Friday, March 14, 2014

The Real Me

"I'm friends with the monster thats under my bed, get along with voices inside of my head, you trying to save me, stop holding your breath, and you think I'm crazy, yeah you think I'm crazy...well that's not fair"

Familiar with that song? by Eminem featuring Rihanna

My depression...that monster under my bed. Yeah it is REAL!! It's not a secret here on this blog that I have dealt with depression since high school and I am not ashamed of it and feel free to share. I hate that it has this stigma attached to it, like if you are depressed or have a mental illness you are automatically suppose to hide it all from the world.

I don't want to hide anymore or be ashamed. It all got bad after Mason was born. I assumed it was the baby blues. I was exhausted, ya know new baby and a 3 year old is exhausting. I was also was felt like a balancing beam trying to balance my affections for my new baby and my first baby. It was hard. I felt bad for both that they did not get my complete attention. I later learned that it was good for them to share my love and that I had plenty for both.

Then I could tell I was getting more and more sad and moody. Like really moody (poor Todd). I had such a short fuse and I hated that about myself. I had such patience when Noah was a baby and I didn't want to lose that now.

A life event happened and it sent me over the edge. It brought out all of my insecurities as a momma and I felt myself spiraling!! If you know me, you know that I am very emotional, I take things to heart. Only because I am a counselor, it is in my bones. I can't escape it. I observe everything, from verbal cues to body language. I can tell if someone is upset and hiding it. I read into things and Todd says I do it way too often and way too deeply. More on that in a minute.

When I started wanting to isolate myself and couldn't find joy in anything, then I knew I needed to get help. The sad part was that getting help was super difficult. The local counseling center wouldn't take me because I HAD insurance. Yeah that stunk. Then I called several nearby places and either the phone call was not returned or the number was disconnected. I seriously thought I just had the worst luck in the world and was meant to suffer forever.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband that takes great care of me and allowed me to take some me time. I would take hot baths and listen to music and Todd would watch the kids and pick up the house. It had gotten bad that I literally could not get things done. I felt handicapped by my own mind and emotions. It was and is HELL on earth!!!

To most I hide it very well, there again the counselor in me comes out. I can show people that I am okay and most don't see through me. I had to lean a lot on my momma and daddy to help out with the kids and I must say having them there to talk to has kept me sane!!! Most days just having them over made my mood improve drastically!!

I analyzed myself and tried to fix myself. I ended up learning a lot about myself. I thought I was an introvert, but I think I am an extrovert. I really like being around people and socializing. Especially people in the same season of life as I am in currently. I need "me" time. I need structure, although I'll be the first to admit I hate it. Mainly b/c making plans gives me anxiety. I never know how my mood will be in the future. Will I get clothes on and they feel horrid?

Oh yes, I left out that!! Let me explain! Do you have something that makes your skin crawl. Well imagine it happening constantly around you ALL day long. Yeah that is how I feel in my own clothes some days. It is nerve racking!! Especially when you have to take your 3 year old to school and walk him in with your 9 month old and look presentable and not like a homeless person on crack!!!!!!

To top all of that off I know that I emotionally eat!! So losing weight and feeling better about myself wasn't going so great as I was shoveling chocolate fudge pop tarts into my mouth to temporarily make me feel whole.

I am empty!! I need a whole lot of fixing! And the great thing is I know mostly what I need to do to fix it all!!

I found a psychiatrist and am working on the right medications to help with my depression. Once that is straightened out, I know that I need more JESUS. I need to be fed from my sweet Lord!!! Exercise has helped me in the past and may help me now. It is just a matter of motivation and babysitting. Then I need to find some other stay at home mommas to do play dates with and chat. That one is challenging because there are really none around here and it really bums me out.

So there is a look at what I have been dealing with and continue to struggle with daily. I hope that y'all still love the real me and I pray that blogging can be another great outlet for me to heal.

Thanks for listening!!!

Found via Facebook


1 comment:

Amanda said...

Love you! For being so REAL and discussing your struggles, I'm sure you've helped someone else in the same shoes. My best friend has battled depression for years and things got scary after the birth of her son. We all go through life changes and it's so hard to adjust even WITHOUT a chemical imbalance. You're in my prayers Dana, remember you are encouraging to those around you who may also be suffering, but take time to be YOU! xoxo