Sunday, March 16, 2014

My Critic

Tonight is my night with Mason. Yep, we both sleep with our boys...were THOSE parents :) All I could think about was getting Mason to sleep and blogging. I rocked him and tried him in his crib. Lets just say that does not work. So we moved to my bed. He was very clingy. Probably because for the last two days I have put him in his bed after rocking him for his naps. The result is a whole lot of crying! So I think now he doesn't trust me and thinks I am going to leave him.

At first he just layer there on my arm with his eyes open. He wanted to make sure I stayed put. Then he finally dozed and I slid out from under him and got up to grab the computer and he sits up and cries like really way you are leaving me. So I snuggle up really close to him and I swear in that simple little sweet moment nothing else in the world mattered. Nothing mattered but making my baby feel safe and secure. I was soaking in every inch, every smell, every feeling!!!

I couldn't help but ask God if I could do this with Him!!! If I could be like Mason and snuggle up against Him and never leave. He could just get a baby wrap and carry me around all of the time. Then it hit my momma brain like a ton of bricks, He does do that!!!

I hate to admit it but with this stupid depression I have been really mad at God. I was furious. Here I was with all the blessings I had prayed for and so much grace from God.....and here I was also feeling empty, hopeless, and sad. FOR NO REASON!!! I was short fused with my precious boys and just ticked off at God for my brain, for my hormones, for my lack of patience!

I saw other mommas with more kiddos than I had and they were working out, had full time jobs, clean houses, cute dressed kids, date nights, and actually wore clothes other than sweats and tees. I know gasp, that is my uniform these days. I know that behind the scenes isn't all fancy but it sure did seem like they had a lot more together than I did. And I was mad about that!! I was mad at myself that my best was most people's worst.

I have come to realize that I am a very harsh critic of myself. It's a work in progress on getting rid of the critic inside, but I am trying! I am sure all of us mommas do this every now and again. Wonder if we are doing enough, if we are enough! And probably the answer is no sometimes, but as long as we are doing the best that we can and it comes from love, then I think we are doing pretty darn good. Just tell my critic inside that!!!

Let's talk about that nasty old critic. I imagine it to be green, right? It has to be green and old and wrinkly. And has a really mean sounding voice that just taunts me. If I am trying on clothes at GAP that is the voice that says "oh look at that tummy, you look 6 mos pregnant in that outfit" or the voice that tells me I am the worst mom b/c I bought the muffins for teacher appreciation day instead of baking them, the voice that tells me I can't. And please let me clarify, I don't hear voices like I have schizophrenia. Also, there is nothing wrong with hang schizophrenia and being treated for it, but I just wanted to clarify what voice I am talking about. Don't we all have one, ya know the angel vs devil on your shoulder like in cartoons?

My critic has won out too many times and I am sick of it. So today we went to church. Yep, it was a rainy, awful day and Todd had to work. But I managed to find something suitable to wear and get the kids ready and packed up and headed to church. I even carried them both with a broken umbrella. At first Noah wanted to hold the umbrella and well we all know how that went.

Dropping the kids off went great, Mason didn't skip a beat, but Noah was a bit apprehensive and his teachers told me he wasn't his talkative self. I know it is because we haven't been in such a long time. I went to sunday school instead of church to get some social interaction and my bible learning on. It was a great lesson and I headed back down to get the boys. This time with both boys in my arms I ran to the car in the rain. Then the umbrella flipped upward. That was amusing!! I allowed myself to let it go! I put a screaming Mason in the car and ran to get Noah in as well. As I sat there buckling them both in and getting soaked I just held my hands in the air and asked God to let it rain, let it wash away my sorrow, my worries, cleanse me!!! I could just imagine the frozen song and wanted to break out into song about how the rain never bothered me anyway.

I allowed myself to enjoy this day, despite the rain! Despite the challenges of getting us all ready. And honestly the rest of the day was good. There were moments of lost patience, okay a lot of those moments.

Tomorrow I go back to my doctor to discuss the meds she put me on last time. They are not working. One I take at bedtime and it knocks me out for all night and the next day. I even halved it and I still couldn't wake up well the next day. I am praying we can find a good one that helps stabilize my mood.

Here is a pic from shopping the other day, I sent several to Todd asking which dress to buy for Easter. I found so many flaws as I saw myself in the is picture. Now I love the picture b/c Noah is looking up at me and behind me is Mase in the stroller...double stroller. And let me tell you I rocked maneuvering that thing around Tanger!!


1 comment:

Melissa said...

You go girl rocking that double stroller! Glad you're back blogging! Can't believe how big/old Mason is. I had PPD after my first was born, so I know how rough it can be, will be praying for you!