Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My heart!

I went to church this past Sunday and the sermon really spoke to me! Have you ever had a moment in church or reading scripture when you just felt God speaking directly to your heart?

 I have been struggling with depression alot!! I know I sound crazy b/c I have a wonderful life but am depressed. But that is what depression is really, there's not really a reason for sadness and despair, it is a brain/chemical thing. I've been fighting this battle and losing ALOT!!

Then I sat in the pew and The Lord really explained the root of my battle and why I was losing!! The sermon was about Idolatry. Yeah you're probably thinking of old testament idolatry where ppl worshiped golden cows and fertility statues, right? Well, idolatry was put into perspective in today's time and I was overwhelmed with how I had been so blind for so long.

Here's a video clip that put it into perspective for me: SKIT
Disclaimer: I am not putting down football fans, I am just using this as an example of how one thing can get out of control in someone's life and it can become bigger than God to you.

So as I am sitting there watching this video, listening to this sermon I am thinking to myself about how I have put so much before God in my life. From getting into shape, or rather putting myself down for not getting into shape, to focusing on my depression soo much that it rules my life. I am always checking facebook and instagram and comparing myself to other ppl. I love food and eat way too much most of the time. I have my dvr set to record so much that there is not enough time to even watch it all. And I sit and wonder why I am losing my battle with depression!

It is because God is not the focus in my life. Yes He is in my heart and I pray and I read scripture most mornings. But I don't put Him where HE belongs, front and center of my focus, my day, my reason for living!!!

 Tears began to fall as I heard God talking to my heart. My sweet Lord how I love hearing thee!! I went down after the sermon to pray at the altar and when I bent on my knees I felt like I had fallen b/c of the weight of all this I had been carrying fell with me as I kneeled down. It really felt like I just fell down so hard, I prayed and asked God to show me the areas of my life that I had let overcome me and to help me change those things!

Then you know what I did!! I went home and did NOTHING!!! Yep, just like my 3 year old. As I tell him not to be rough with his brother and yet he does it 20 seconds later. I sat there thinking about how frustrated I get with Noah for not listening as I ask him and beg him and discipline him so many times and yet he still refuses to listen. Then I thought about how God must feel as I sat here and changed nothing! Once again!!!! He has granted me the desires of my heart! I am talking the deepest desires of my heart and I just went about my day like I had never heard any of it!!

 I am sure we are all guilty of this, but I have to stop it now! I have to stop it for my own salvation and for my family's salvation. I have to stop living of this world b/c it is NOT home! My size will not matter when I am dead, the car I drive will not matter when I am dead, how clean my house is will not matter when I am dead, I could go on and on and on!!!!

 I am changing my life!!!! I am listening to my Father, my sweet Lord, the One and Almighty God! Thank you Jesus for always reaching my heart, for your sweet words, for your amazing grace! Help me to shed this world so that I may live for YOU and YOU only!!!! Thanks for listening to my heart!! Photobucket

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