Tuesday, October 2, 2012

God's grace

From the beginning of this journey I have prayed for God's mercy and grace. My heart specifically asked that Todd and I wouldn't have to go through transfer after transfer if in deed the answer was that we were not suppose to have another child(ren).

This morning the embryologist called and there were no embryos at the stage to freeze. Which means none of the embryos made it to that stage. With embryos they want them to be at a certain stage so that they will last the freeze and the thawing process. Apparently with our first IVF cycle we were blessed to have 3 embryos to freeze. Normally, under 50% get to freeze embryos (at our clinic).

Right now we literally have all of our chips on the table and we have no idea what is going to happen. It amazes me how different each IVF can be, even with the same person. I am not sure how to describe what I am feeling right now. It's like I have this deep pain inside of me, but I can't let it out just yet.

The embryologist said that since the remaining 6 embryos did not make it then that just made them more confident about the ones they picked to transfer. But you know you could look at it on the other side as well and think well if those didn't make it...then how will these make it. There are so many questions that do not have answers.

I know for a fact that God has a plan!! I know that His plan is the best. I also know what my heart desires and I am just not sure if God's plan and my heart's desires are one in the same. I know that whatever happens we will be okay. We are so blessed to have Noah!!!!! We started this saying that if it doesn't happen then it doesn't and we will just spoil Noah rotten (like we don't anyway).

I'm just having a sad moment right now! A deep heart hurting moment. I prayed for my babies this morning. I know lots of people argue over when life begins, well I believe it begins the minute the egg and sperm meet. So I know that my babies are with Jesus right now and I know He is taking great care of them!! I will see them on day and I just want them to know they were so wanted and so loved!!!

I have an appointment on Oct. 11 to see if I am pregnant. They will test my blood and do a beta test. Based on those numbers they will probably do another test if it is positive to see if the numbers are doubling! Nothing is guaranteed, with our first IVF, we had great betas and then at the ultrasound the baby had stopped growing. So we have alot of steps ahead of us!

Please take away from this that every life is so precious and important! It is truly a miracle to have a child!!!


1 comment:

Amber said...

Will definitely be praying for yall:) Gods plan is always perfect even when we do not understand it.