Monday, September 10, 2012

This too shall pass!!

Disclaimer: This is real, this is raw!! I said I was going to try my best to document everything entailed with IVF, so here I go!! You were warned!

I know that I have mentioned moodiness as one of my symptoms. Well let me get a little bit more detailed. When I started the BCPs I started noticing that I had a lack of motivation. I didn't have a pep in my step and honestly only had enough energy and patience to take care of Noah. So the house has fallen to the backburner.

I used to have this routine each morning of feeding Noah breakfast while I cleaned up the kitchen. Also, I would try to do a load of laundry every other day. The laundry has piled up! Todd finally stepped in and has been working on the enormous pile. After typing that I feel guilty. I also feel like everyone is going to judge me and think that hormones or not I should take care of the house and not let my working husband do it.

Well, until you have walked in my shoes please do not cast judgement! I am in no way the type of person that would just not do something so that Todd would have to do it. I stay at home and I love it, so I take pride in running my home!!! And more importantly raising my son!!

The BCPs made me lose motivation and I could feel myself getting depressed. Then the Lupron was added. And now I have to admit that I am depressed. I have almost lost my zest for life. I even asked Todd's mom to take Noah for the day and spend the night in hopes that I could take this time to regain some energy and pull myself together.  Which makes me feel guilty, but I keep telling myself that he gets to see his cousins and will have more fun there instead of around lazy me.

I just keep thinking that I only have to deal with this for another week then my Lupron dose is lowered and the STIM meds are added. I am afraid to read their side effects!! I have left a message for my nurse about my depression and am waiting for her return call. I just don't want to throw away all that I have done so far. I keep thinking if I can just hold on a bit longer.

So my logic now is to reach out to my family for help with Noah. I know this is only a little while longer with the IVF, so it will pass. And just to be clear I am not like so depressed that I don't want to live or anything. I just don't want to get up off of the couch!!! It is hard to explain b/c I know that if you have never experienced depression it is hard to imagine. You think just get off the couch! Not so easy!!!

The added guilt of not being 100% for Todd and Noah is not good either. I feel like a failure to them :( It is hard not to cry as I type that. I love them so much and feel like if my body would work right in the first place then I wouldn't have to take all of these medications.

This post was hard to write and I am sure it will be even harder to publish. I feel like it is one of those posts that you write and then never share. But maybe just maybe it was meant to share.

I would really appreciate your prayers!! 


1 comment:

The Sherrill Family said...

Praying for you friend. One step at a time.