Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What's on my heart!

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 4: 6-7

It has been so hard to write lately! And writing is my therapy, but every time I opened up a new blog post I just couldn't find the words. My emotions were there, but the words would not come. I have been having a really difficult time lately. Well, in all honesty for a while. My depression/anxiety has always been around, but lately it has been worse.

You see Todd and I would love to have another child. We would love to just mark our calendars and be able to plan another little bundle of joy. However, we cannot. We have to see doctors and do testing and I have to take meds and etc. Y'all know the story of Noah! So with that in mind, lets just say my mind and heart have been a bit scrambled up with emotions and fears!!!

I honestly thought that when I got pg with Noah that all of the baggage that came with IF (infertility) was magically taken away. I have found out that it has not and is currently residing right here. How did I miss all of that baggage? It has hit me like a ton of bricks and I am not even sure how to deal with it all. I dealt with IF before and thought I was good, I guess I should have realized it would be an ongoing project.

So each day I am home with Noah and I beat myself up! I am really hard on myself! I have lots of negative thoughts, which I am really trying to stop. I tell myself awful things like I am a bad momma, a loser, ugly, fat, and worthless!! I spend a lot of energy doing this and it has to stop. I just need to learn how to stop it. I have seen a counselor and that has helped some. Also, we have attended a new church that is very family oriented and I am psyched to see what God has in store for our family!!!

I am also struggling because there are NO stay at home mommas around my area. Most of the mommas work atleast part time. It stinks because I feel really isolated!!! I have googled MDO (Mother's Day Out) Programs in my area and come up with NONE!!! I just reached out on fb to see if anyone could recommend one, so I am hoping that works!! I really want Noah to be around other kids his age, plus two mornings a week could do this girl some good!

I know the Lord is working hard on me!! Even when i pull away from Him, He always lets His presence be known! I am so thankful to have such a loving Lord. I am working on giving up control and let the Lord mold me into His vision. Please send up some prayers for our family! We would greatly appreciate them!!!

Love y'all!!!



Karlene said...

You mentioned you joined a family oriented church. Do they happen to have a group for moms or a play group? If not, why not find out if you can start one with them? That's what I did and now I have a lot of mommy friends. It's been a great way to get to know other stay at home moms.

Karlene said...

Also go to and see if there is a Mops in your area. It's another great way to meet stay at home moms

The Sherrill Family said...

Praying sweetie.

cady said...

Have you checked

Melissa said...

Have you checked with any of the local churches for a preschool program? I agree- MOPS would be a good place to start also. I didn't have IF, but we did have 2 miscarriages before we finally got and stayed pregnant with our first. So I have a teeny idea of what you are feeling and for that I am sorry, but know that I will be praying for you!