Monday, February 13, 2012

Vent, go ahead skip to the next post! {I warned ya}

It is ironic that after a wt loss journey post full of all positive goals and such that I would end up writing a post like the one I am about to write. But I just cannot hold it in and since this blog has been some amazing form of therapy for me from the get go I am going to vent here! So feel free to skip ahead to another post, cause here goes!!

 I am completely and utterly sick of hearing ppl tell me to be tough on myself concerning wt loss. I am equally sick of ppl telling me to give myself a break and not to stress over losing weight! I guess you could say I am fed up with advice all together. I think it is b/c in some way or another someone's advice counters another's advice....or somehow ends up making me want to jump right into a bad of doritos!!! And yes I did that tonight! Not proud of myself, but I did! All I could hear was everyone's voice in my head, it just seemed all negative and I wanted it to stop!!! Nothing I did was ever good enough b/c someone always had a better way, less calories that I should be consuming, different foods I should be eating, choosing a diet drink was now wrong b/c of the side effects, however drinking a sugary southern beverage was also wrong. I just wanted to SCREAM!!!!! So I did what any normal  person would do, I ate!!!

I grabbed a bag of doritos and a diet dr. pepper and I sat there and ate my feelings away! I thought once that the only reason I had not chosen the feeling of being skinny as opposed to the numbing feeling of eating was just b/c eating gratified me faster at that moment! Trust me I know what it is like to feel skinny and it DOES taste better than any food!! But dude, I am not skinny and not sure how I am going to ever get to that place again!

I have a gazillion thoughts racing through my head! I try to eat better, but then the low blood sugar starts to make me go insane. I have contemplated seeing another RE to see if further testing could show me what to do. I have wondered if a nutritionist is who I should see. I just keep circling around and around and right now I am dizzy and DONE!!!

 I just wanna throw up the old middle finger and say screw it! Yep, I so just said that! But more so I wanna say something, anything!!! So I came up with some of the things I should have said to previously stated advice! (granted I asked for the advice, and I know it was meant well! just let me get this out, mkay?)

If you want me to be tough on myself well just look at me, you really think I got this fat by being nice to myself?

Oh and tough love doesn't work on me btw, I tend to do the opposite of what ppl say neways! Must be a genetic quality b/c I have always been that way.

And yes I realize that to lose wt you have to eat right and exercise. What do you think I am a moron? I am an emotional eater, I have medical issues, and I am trying to figure it all out. Is a little bit of your doing a good job too much to ask for?

Really 1200 calories is what I need to limit myself to each day! Thank you doctor for realizing that I am such a fatty that I cannot ingest more than 1200 calories a day or else I am a total and utter failure! I am already beating my head against the wall to get my calorie intake down to 1300 a day, but go ahead and tell me again how I am doing that wrong as well!!

And I do not think I have one of those mega drives most ppl have. When I say I am pushing myself to the limit that is probably your version of mediocrity! However, it is still my limit. I am obviously angry, which means hurt (counselor speak)! I am upset at myself for not eating better during my pregnancy and gaining WAY too much wt. I am even more upset with myself that I am not super woman and cannot seem to figure out how to raise a human being, take care of the entire household, cook from scratch with only organic ingredients, be crafty in my spare time, and run 10 miles each day! Not to mention care for the needy, spend time with family and friends, blog about said time spend with family and friends, and still I have yet to figure out how to have enough energy so that I don't feel the need to crawl into the bed during Noah's naptime! And I envy everyone that somehow can go on NO sleep! I need atleast 8 hours a night to even be functional the next day!

So there's my vent! I had to get that out!!!!!! Whew, I so just word vomited everywhere! I am sure that I will have to do some explaining in upcoming blogs! But for now, I am just going to let myself BE!!! 


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