Monday, January 23, 2012

Our story

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

This was the verse that came into my head as I started to write this post! A post with tons of questions, well God answered me before I even asked! As you all know Noah is our IVF baby! He was our last frozen embryo from our one IVF. We had 13 eggs fertilized and only 5 thrived from those. We did a regular transfer with the first two and did not get pregnant. Then geared up for a frozen transfer. The doctor transferred two more which resulted in a pregnancy! We were beyond elated. My beta numbers more than doubled and things looked great. 

In case you don't know with fertility treatments each step is an uphill battle. You win each battle before even thinking about the next one. There is a progression. You can sometimes go two steps forward and then five steps back. It is literally an emotional roller coaster. So here we were finally pregnant. And we went to get our first ultrasound. That was the worst day of my life. The doctor kept looking with a worried look and then told us that our baby had stopped growing. 

It was like I was having a nightmare but was wide awake. I remember it very vividly. The look on Todd's face and the feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach! I still had hope that maybe things weren't as I had seen. Maybe the nurse would come in and tell us that we still had a chance. However, she did not. She came in and tried to comfort me and explain to me that we had lost our baby. I just wanted to push her away and run to Todd's arms. At this point tears were filling his eyes b/c he seemed to be so helpless at that point. I could tell he was trying to be strong for me but was heartbroken at the same time.

Then I lost it! They let us stay in the room to have time to process it all. Which all I wanted to do was get the heck out of there!! Todd put his arm around me and guided me out of the doctor's office and into the parking garage. The ride home was so long. I kept telling God that this was NOT happening. I had not gone this far only to lose our child. I was angry. I was sad. I was so lost. We came home and just sat in our bed and cried. I cried like I have never cried before screaming out in such pain. It was as if all the color had left my life. 

I was awake in my own worst nightmare. I blogged and so many of you reached out to me and prayed for us and sent so many encouraging comments or emails. I got flowers and lots of love. I know those prayers are what kept me going b/c I really had just spent the last three years of my life working on this one thing! To get pregnant and it was gone within minutes.

We took the next few months OFF and decided to take a break from it ALL!! We planned a halloween party at our house and debated on a NYC trip. Then we went to the beach and tried to have as much fun as possible. So much happened in our break. We almost adopted a sweet little girl, but those plans fell through b/c of Philippine laws. I truly found peace with God!! I realized that HE was the ONLY one that could heal my pain. It was a healing couple of months!!

Then it was time to do our second frozen transfer with our last embryo. Now just to make sure y'all know these embryos were my eggs and Todd's sperm. I get that question alot so I wanted to clear it up. I have to say that I went into it with very low expectations. The first transfer didn't take and  the second one resulted in a miscarriage, how could this one work? And with only one embryo I know my chances were even slimmer. 

The transfer was HORRIBLE! My doctor was a big ole butthead and yelled at me b/c my bladder was not full enough. So I went to drink another gallon of water and then he transferred Noah!! 

I literally was afraid to get off of our couch for the next week or so! I was scared to cough, etc. Even though the nurse assured me that I could not cough the baby out, HA! The day of the ultrasound I was scared to death. I had NO idea what was going to happen. I didn't know what our future held. Todd and I probably both held our breath as the doctor did the ultrasound. And there Noah was!! We could hear his heartbeat, see the little flicker of life inside of me! It was a miracle!! We were so excited but very cautious b/c we didn't wanna get our hopes up only to have them crushed once again.

And as you know the story ends with a beautiful and healthy baby boy!!! We had Noah almost one year exactly from our miscarriage/nightmare day!! Noah was born on May 21st, and the nightmare day was May 29th! We were blessed!! Not everyone gets that ending!!! 

Which leads me to the reason behind my post. And if you are still reading, wow, you are a trooper!! We want a second child. Not just for Noah to have a sibling (which would be a bonus) but b/c we desire another child. Some days I feel selfish for asking for more. Some days I don't. Today I was contemplating the entire IVF process again. So as I opened up my blog and hit new post I was going to write about what I should do. Try on our own...or go straight to the doctors. And that verse came into my head!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

And now I have my answer!!! Thank you Lord for your grace and thank you soo much for your peace!!! Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to figure this all out on my own, I have YOU Lord!!!


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6 comments:

John said...

AMEN FROM A LOVING FATHER,, A JOB WELL DONE!

Amber said...

It is not selfish to want another child. God has planted that desire in your heart.

Good luck in your journey to baby #2!

wallacefamilyblog said...

good luck on your journey to baby #2.

The Life of Susan said...

thank you for sharing your story. you are so brave dana! and noah is such a miracle baby. praying that God gives you peace in moving forward and grants you the desires of your heart! xoxo

Tamika said...

What a wonderful ending to a long journey!!!

I have to add - we lost our very first baby on our one year wedding anniversary - September 2. Such a pall over what is such a momentous day. Nine years later I gave birth to our LAST children on our wedding anniversary - a full circle of healing!

Tracy said...

Thanks so much for sharing your miracle story!!