Monday, March 14, 2011

PTSD from IF

Am I the only one that ends up going to the doctor after several ailments get to be too much?? Then I have a list a mile long and I am sure my doctor thinks I am a hypochondriac. Today I woke up with allergies (fun) and the dull pain in my lower left side just got to be too annoying to ignore so I called my family doctor. I guess I had convinced myself that it could not possibly be ovary related. Not at all, even though I have PCOS and a gazillion cysts on each ovary, nope not even gonna ponder that!! Yep, I am in denial too! The doctor set me up to go get a fun vag. u/s and I am sure they will find what has always been there..lots of cysts!!!!! I am going to go b/c it has been a while since I had one and I do want to make sure all is okay.

I am just frustrated with myself!! When I got in the car I just had to cry b/c this stuff always hits me hard. I just think how much IF has really done to me. It is times like a doctor's visit that reminds me that b/c of my past with IF I can never go see a doctor and not leave sad in some way. It just brings back sooo much pain. Like for instance they did a urine sample and b/c I am about to start there was some blood in it, so they are going to culture it. Well, all I could think was that I wasn't pg and I still felt like I did every other time that has happened. The doctor had no clue that I knew exactly what that meant for me.

I really thought that having Noah would somehow make all this magically disappear, but it hasn't. And now I know I have alot of issues I need to deal with!!!! I am still all messed up from the emotional rollercoaster I have been through!!! My counseling self knows I need to work on these issues and I am already processing them and getting them out (on here). That is one start!!!

I will always want to be "normal" but I know that I am not and there is a reason. A plan God has that is far greater than any plan I could have ever imagined. I am so thankful for Noah, and now I need to work and make sure I am the best momma I can be!! SO I got some work to do!!!!! I guess me giving up the mommy guilt for Lent didn't work!!! Can you ever give that up, really? I don't think so!!

So not only do I need to work on my physical body, but my emotional and spiritual self as well. Whew I am tired just typing that!!!!!

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