Thursday, February 10, 2011

Reminded that I am NOT in control!!!!

"It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word. Though we are screaming inside, oh we can't be heard."
-Sarah Mclaughlin


Earlier today I had an appointment with the OBGYN. I knew that I needed to do my yearly ck up and was ready to get it over with!!! I was hoping to get more answers about my IF (infertility). I was secretly hoping that being pg with Noah somehow cured me. I was also secretly hoping that I would be pg. I know, I know...crazy!!! It is not like we are TTC but I think I will always hope for that!! Please bare with me as I go through the day and all of my emotions.

There I was sitting in the office and NOT pregnant. It had been a while since I had let myself go there..you know where. There sat two gorgeous rather pregnant ladies and I relished in listening to them talk about contractions and even disgusting things..hehe!!! I wondered if I would ever be pg again, then I wondered if I was pg. For those of you that don't know how it goes.....you get taken back to tinkle in a cup. Yeah loads of fun!!! Then you go and weigh yourself, even more fun. Then while you sit maybe a foot away from your cup of tinkle your stomach knots up and your palms go all sweaty while the nurse does the pregnancy test. It takes forever b/c she does your blood pressure, cks your iron, and asks you tons of questions. All the while you literally hear time slowing down and your hear racing out of your chest. You actually have a complete monologue with yourself about how you shouldn't get your hopes up, then you get your hopes up, then you tell yourself to stop!! Then the nurse walks over and says everything is normal, but I will give the pg test a bit longer. That is code for IT IS A BIG FAT NEGATIVE (BFN).

It was then that it all started rushing back to me. I couldn't believe I had pushed the pain that far away and now here it was bubbling up and I could feel the tears start to come. I held it in and told myself to chin up and breath. I talked to my doctor about my history and asked if she thought I could get some more bloodwork done to ck my FSH and LH levels. She said that since I was already dx with PCOS that it would be a waste of time. Then I asked her if it was true that once you have been pg then would that mean it would be easier to get pg the second time (or fourth, if you count my sweet lil bits and I DO!!). Well, she basically took out a big ole needle an popped my balloon by telling me that if I had to do IVF before that the chances of me having to do IVF again were really high.

Then the pain rushed up again and I could not hold back the tears!! My mind was full of thoughts and I became afraid. It was then that I remembered that I am infertile!! I began to hate my body for not working right and blaming myself for not being able to give Noah a sibling or give Todd another child.

It is amazing how you go through so many emotions, b/c then I got mad!!!! I wanted to tell that doctor she was wrong and that I would show her!!!!

Then I felt very stupid for even believing that I could have been pregnant.

Then I felt even more stupid for feeling sad because I had this amazing, beautiful, sweet, brilliant, chubby cheeked little miracle waiting for me at home. How could I be so selfish to want more? But a really great friend reminded me that it was okay to be sad about this.

I don't think you ever get over all of the pain that comes from infertility. Not even having a child takes it all away. It sure does help a whole lot, but you still remember and feel the pain. Now I am picking myself up!! I am gonna grab that chubby cheeked boy and put him on my momma hip and leave it all up to GOD!! I am letting go and letting God. And I am asking everyone to please keep my sisters in IF in your prayers. Pray for my sweet IF sisters that are in the midst of the horrible rollercoaster of IF. Pray for them to have hope and peace and a sweet chubby cheeked babe of their own!!! I am sending my love to all of you!!!!!!

10 comments:

Amber said...

LOVE this post!

I haven't been back to my OB since my 6 week check up which means I have my annual next month. Thankfully, they don't do a pregnancy test, but of course, I'm secretly hoping to be pregnant, too. Doubt it, but you never know. Sure hope neither one of us have to do IVF again...

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I totally understand how you are feeling and how you felt! It still makes my stomach wrench when I hear that other people are pregnant. It's so hard even though we have our miracle now. The pain will NEVER go away!

Cori said...

I have always wondered if the pain would ever go away especially after having a child... I totally see your point and can see what it would be like to get thrown right back into those roller coaster of emotions. ((Hugs))

Meagan said...

I love this post. It is so interesting to me to read about if struggles after having a baby. I think I thought the pain would go away after having a baby.

shauna said...

I think the pain of IF is dulled by having a baby. We feel like we're "just like everyone else" and you're so happy you forget what all you've been through. I have to admit that I am hesitant to think too long about trying for number 2 right now because I don't want to go back to that place. It is hard, it is very emotional. I will pray for you and Todd that you will have wisdom to know the right time and patience/grace when that time comes. Even though IF sucks and we would never choose it for ourselves thank God that there's IVF and we have our sweet little boys after all that pain. Sending you hugs xoxo
Love ya girl!

Miss Mac said...

Still in that place unfortunately but I get strength and encouragement from others like you who have been there, done that and who have a happy ending! Even if this does work for us, I can't imagine ever forgetting what it's been like. Please say a prayer for us as we gear up for IVF#1.

Melissa said...

I've been thinking about posting about this also. I THOUGHT I was over the pain of infertility but I was wrong. I reared its head a couple months ago when my friend announced she was expecting #2. I was surprised that I had to force a smile and act all happy for her. That really surprised me. 2 more Moms in our playgroup plan on trying for #2 this month. So...everyone in my playgroup is expecting #2 or planning on trying for #2. We are planning on #2 also which means doing a fresh cycle of IVF again which may or may not work. Its just hard knowing you can't just go and get pregnant like everyone else. Your right that having one sweet miracle does ease the pain but I think we will always experience some sadness when it comes to infertility.

John said...

I am glad that you ralized that you are not infertile, for I also see that little chunk of a miracle in your arms,, and now you know that
God answered your first prayers,, just love little NOah with all your heart, close your eyes and thank God for him,, the go and live your life and let God continue to take care of you all and love you !!! just as we all do... love you ,,your Daddy!

The English Family said...

Hugs!!!! Everything will happen in God's time...look at my 3! I often have to explain that even though I gave birth to 3 beautiful baby girls in less than 4 yrs, I had 3 surgeries, a zillion tests, 3 zillion ultrasounds, 100 pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, 2 mc, horrible morning/all day-24 hr sickness, and high risk pregnancies with all 3 to get them here safe and sound.

Jennifer said...

I don't think anyone would ever think you love baby #1 any less for wanting baby #2. Sure you are blessed to have a baby BUT it is perfectly acceptable to want more. Good luck for a future random BFP!