Thursday, October 14, 2010

Inspired to share how I found peace!

Isn't peace something we all strive for and desperately want! I searched for peace even before I even knew that is what I was searching for and I always seemed to never find it. Well, sometimes things or ppl would give me peace for a while and then I would end up out searching for it once more. Until I realized something and let me tell you it took God yelling in my ear to realize this! I realized that God was the one and only person that could give me the peace I so desperately needed. I had heard others talk about this very thing in church and would often think to myself how do they do it. I never understood that even the ppl that loved me the most could never fill the holes in my heart or comfort me like God!!! I pushed away from this idea and you know how they say God whispers at first then he starts to yell! Well, it took me getting to my lowest of lows!! Infertility stripped me down to nothing. I was this body with nothing inside but pain. I looked to others to comfort me only to never feel completely comforted. And it wasn't b/c they did not love me and show me tons of love it was simply b/c they were not capable of healing my heart the way God healed it.

And there were tons of times when I was just downright mad at God and felt like a child begging for a toy and having my father tell me over and over again that I could not have it! I would get so mad at Him. Then God showed me that He wasn't not giving me a child...He just had other plans for me. He saw the BIG picture and I could only see this tiny part of it. I guess it is kind of like how us as parents want to help our kids and sometimes end up looking like we are the bad guys b/c we discipline them or try to help them understand that if they simply let go and let God then their lives may not be what they had planned, but it will be oh so much better b/c it will be what God has planned. That does not by any means say that the pain is not there and it that it is not hard. However, when I finally learned to go to God instead of other ppl or other things to comfort me I was finally able to find peace in my suffering! I can remember the moment it happened. I had been praying for peace!!! Then I saw this video online of the song that says you are all I want you are all I need, everything, everything! You know the one I posted a while back. It shows how we are so happy with God at first then other things/ppl come into our lives and pull us away from God and we start to thing these things/ppl can fulfill us but instead it ends up making us feel empty..but all we have to do is ask God to help us! Really surrender! Which is hard!!! But when I saw that video I saw myself!!!! I saw my teenage years of being a cutter and I saw my life and how I yearned for love from others. And then when that girl just fell to her knees and prayed for God to help her and he came in and rescued her I lost it!! I knew that everything I had been through had led up to this moment! All my pain of not being able to be a mom, all my pain from the past just came out and it was like God grabbed me and took it on Himself. And at that moment I was in love really in love with my Father Jesus!!! I needed Him so much and I loved Him so much. I wasn't angry anymore!!!

And yes after that moment I still didn't become a mommy and lost a baby in the process, but I still loved Him, I still needed Him! I knew that He had a plan and that I just had to surrender to it. I loved Him when I was sad and I loved Him when I was happy! I praised Him when I was sad and I praised Him when I was happy! And that is how I found peace!!


momof5girls said...

I'm so glad you shared this blessing! We each have a story and although they are all different, they all lead back to the wonderful love of our Heavenly Father. Sometimes I have wondered why I was even allowed to be born in this country instead of being unfortunate enough to be born in a communist or muslim country where there is so much terror. Then I wondered why God would love us so much as to send His Son to be our ransom...It's all so humbling to realize that though we are nothing in the grand scheme of things, we are precious to God just as our children are precious to us. I'm so thankful that even if we never get to meet face to face on this earth that one day we will be together for eternity in Heaven. God bless you, Dana! Love you

Sara & Cody said...

Your post really uplifted me. I am suffering from infertility and I am struggling to find peace. You're totally right about how people can't fix the hurt that you feel deep inside. I feel like I have turned it over to God, but I still hurt. I know that He has a plan for me and I just need to be patient. Whatever happens will happen on His timing and I have to be at peace with that.

Michelle said...

Thank you! I'm going through a low point on our journey and needed this post. Thank you!!