Tuesday, August 11, 2009

valleys!

I have been having a hard time lately. It has been tough b/c there is a girl that is my neighbor and a friend on facebook and she is about how far along I should be. So when I sign on to fb and see her belly pics..I get so sad!!! I just keep thinking that we should know if we are having a boy or a girl right now. It just makes me so mad...which is basically sadness. I feel like I was running this race and I have had to sit out and watch everyone around me finish it. It sucks!!! It all makes me want to SCREAM!!!!

I really thought that this would get easier, but there are times when I feel like I can't take it another day and want to just yell at God and pitch a fit! It is days like today when I have no patience and feel so lost. And all from a pic on fb. I know I shouldn't even look, but you know it shows updates on the home page and I can't help but look. Maybe I need to just go and yell with God. I am sure He won't mind yelling with me. Then atleast I am not yelling at Him! I know that He has a plan!! And I know that He is going to make something good come from all of this suffering and already has....it is just so hard right now. It just stings so badly when this happens.

I have been telling myself not to get my hopes up on this next transfer. I mean there are so many hurdles. The first hurdle is that the embryo makes the thaw. Then the little bugger has to attach. Then there is beta #1...then beta #2...then the first ultrasound..then the second. If I am pg from this transfer I won't even believe it until I deliver :D I don't think I am even going to tell anyone. Well of course I will tell y'all!! But I can't go through letting so many ppl down again. It is hard enough to let myself and my husband down....but not all of my family and friends too!!!

I think it has been hard too b/c we just went to see my nephew practice football and he is 4..they were sooo cute!!! And the coach wanted to know which kid was ours...well..yeah! I wish! I don't think explaining that we don't have a kid...well it never gets easy does it? I wish I could go and visit God like in the book the shack and just hang out with Jesus and watch the stars. I would just wrap up in His arms and cry for hours.

3 comments:

jvwaiting said...

I'm sorry to hear of your sadness. The whole journey is full of so many emotional highs and lows. It's amazing what a picture of a pregnant woman can do to us.
I often wish I could visit God physically too - I think that's why He gave me an amazing husband who has great hugs - so I could rely on him for the physical comfort. Be blessed.

Birdee said...

I totally relate to that feeling of being left behind and sitting on the sidelines watching, especially when I was in the game, I didn't get to pick up where I left off, I had to start all over - not just trying to get KU, but start all over wondering if I ever will get KU. And a BFP does not = baby. There is a new sadness and fear that arises with a BFP.

I pray for you to get a sticky BFP soon and that equals "take home baby".

Nichole said...

I'm so sorry Dana - it doesn't get any easier. Explaining that you don't have kids will never get easier either.

I hope that this valley will be followed by a nice "peak" soon!

Big hugs - love
Nichole