Sunday, August 9, 2009

Oh Love..oh the many colors that you're made of...you heal...you bleed!!

Wow, I just figured out how to open a picture in powerpoint and add text to it! As you can see in my very simple banner :D Of course it took me a while to figure out how to save it and upload it as a picture..and I am still now sure how I did that..hehe Anyways I am just glad that I did do it. So I hope that y'all like it :D I struggled with verses to put on it and am still wondering if I should put another verse...there are so many I want on it. I wish I could figure out how to make it change kinda like a slideshow. There are just so many verses that mean so much to me. It is hard to pick just one!

Well, it is official I am a witchy poo! My meds have made me a moody woman. And I mean moody. Poor Todd...it is like he is walking on thin ice. I have been trying just to be distant so I don't lash out at him for no good reason, but sometimes I still lash out. I am working on it. I hate feeling like this b/c usually I am so carefree and easygoing..now the littlest things make my blood boil. I started reading the shack yesterday and finished it up this morning. I could not put it down. And lastnight while Todd and some of his friends and family watched the fight I was upstairs in my bed reading away. I finally had to put the book down and go to sleep b/c my eyes just could not work anymore. So this morning as soon as I got up I picked the book back up and started reading again. Now I am just trying to sort through it all...all that I read...all of my feelings and thoughts. This book has stirred up some serious soul searching and I know it will be something I am thinking about for a while. I know that different ppl have different reactions to the book. It is hard to explain what I am taking away from this book. I know some would think you should read it and take it literally and then others say just take away what you want and fit it accordingly to your belief and heart. I just know how I know God and my personal relationship with Him. The book just helped me adore God even more and appreciate our relationship. I also noticed how much our relationship has grown.

Infertility has been the reason that I have been on bended knee for so long. The struggles, the pain...and the fear. There were times when I had to make a decision to turn from God or continue trusting Him with my heart and my life. And I didn't decide in a second..it took time. Especially when my heart was recently broken into a million pieces. At the beginning of this I knew I loved God, but I don't think we had the best relationship. We talked some and that was about it. Now I feel like He is always with me..in everything I do. Also, for a long time I thought that my prince charming would come and rescue me from all the world's pains. Now that is a lot to put on Todd!! I have learned now that the only one that can rescue me is God...and for me that is a big deal. I can even remember thinking how am I suppose to love God more that I love Todd...when I really know Todd and I didn't feel like I knew God in the same way. Well, IF has given me that gift...now I know God and can see how I can love him more than anyone or anything. Wow, who would have ever thought that I would be saying that IF has given me a gift!!! But it still sucks..hehe

4 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Loved the post! Thinking of you during this FET! I know you are scared...when we start again I will be scared too! No matter what...we will make it through it!

Laura said...

I read The Shack shortly after my first loss, and also found it hard to put down. The thing that touched me the most about the book was the visualization of the children in heaven with Jesus. I look forward to being able to experience that joy, but I know that my time and purpose are still here on earth (at least for now). Hang in there!

Nichole said...

Wow - first of all, I have to go out and buy the Shack, second of all - you are an amazing inspiration. I need that kind of relationship with Him that you have! I struggle with it SO much! When I was sitting at church this morning, I realized that all this time my anger has been directed at the wrong "person" and I really just need to send that to my heart and live by it! Thank you for sharing this blog and for the book recommendation.

As for being a witchy-poo - Todd understands, and this too will pass! He knows it isn't your heart, but the meds talking! Hang in there!

shauna said...

First of all your banner is very cute! Good job. Secondly, it is hard to understand why God chooses this path for some of us, but if we are drawn closer to him, rather than pulling away, then I think it's worth it. When we learn and recognize God is really all we need in life we have learned a very valuable lesson, and one that will help through anything we may face in life. I know IF has made Jeremy and me realize we had no control. God had all the plans, and we had to trust him. I'm praying for you, and I know one day you're gonna be a wonderful and very very happy mama.
Love ya girl