Wednesday, August 12, 2009

not seeing an end to this valley!

Outside the crickets are so loud and it reminds me of when I was young and in school. I can remember listening to them every night before school. What a simpler time that was...I had all these dreams..all these plans. Little did I know I would be here!

Because we have started this whole process of trying to have a baby back up...my mind and heart have been going crazy. I read the shack and in it he talks about this great sadness that he has. He simply calls it the great sadness. And I can relate to that so much. I feel like I carry around this huge sadness with me everyday. Even when I am laughing so hard with Todd and being silly there is always this sadness in my heart. I long for what could have been with our lost baby. I wonder why I am still sitting the race on the sidelines. Why did God even put me in the race if He knew I would be benched so early into it? So many questions and so much that I have to just take on faith. Faith that God loves me and knows what is best for me. Faith that God doesn't make bad things happen...but He works so hard to make good things come from the bad ones.

I hate this and I just can't seem to shake this sadness. Lord, I have no more words. You know my heart and you know my pain. Please be here with me!! Help me to have the strength to not give up! I love you so dearly and I just don't think I can take much more. Please Lord, I am not strong..I am weak. I am only strong in You! How can I have such a great desire in my heart to be a mother and still have empty arms? I need Your arms around me and I need You!! Please make this pain go away! Please Lord....I am Yours!!!

5 comments:

Laura said...

Oh Dana...I'm so sorry that you're in a deep valley right now. There is never "the perfect" thing to say. But know this--God loves you, and I pray that you feel His comfort and you crawl through this valley and begin to climb the mountain. Hang in there, and know I'm here for you.

shauna said...

Dana,
How I wish that I could make all this sadness go away for you. I don't know why God chooses this path for you, but obviously he trusts you with it. There's nothing that I can say that can help right now. Just know that I am praying for you. Psalm 55:22 says "cast thy burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain thee..." I would recommend that you read some of the Psalms. David had his high times with God, and his low times also. He cried to God, and I always found I could relate so much to his prayers. God is listening, and he knows the cry of your heart. Love you girl, and hope that you come out of this valley soon.
-Shauna

The Patterson's said...

I am in the middle of reading The Shack! Hope today is a better day...I'll be praying for you!

Nichole said...

Dana,
I am SO sorry. I am right there with you sweetie. You are strong, you are strong in the Lord. Keep doing what you are doing and treat yourself to something that makes you smile.
I am sending you big hugs. You are in my heart and in my prayers!

momof5girls said...

Dear Dana,
I can't even begin to express the emotion in my heart for you. I am praying for you and I know Shauna is also. You know, the Bible tells us that there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother (Proverb 18:24), and another verse Romans 8:26...for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27)And He that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because He maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 28) And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. I just want to encourage you when you are down and remind you that our God knew you would need Him long before we were and that He loves you and has provided friends and the Holy Spirit to pray for you even when you don't know how or what to pray. You are in our prayers daily and in our hearts!!! Arlene