Monday, August 31, 2009

Beta Results!

The nurse just called and.....drum roll please......211!!! I am pregnant!!!!!!! Last time I was pg my first beta was 64.9 so I am cautiously optimistic this time b/c the number is so much higher than last time!!! I am so overjoyed and thankful to God. I will continue to pray that this is our time, but right now I am just going to bask in the good news! Which means God and I are doing some serious daydreaming today and going to celebrate. I am sure some dancing will be involved..hehe Poor God, I am such a bad dancer :D I called my mom at work and she was so thrilled. She worries about what will happen to me if things don't work out..her and my sister both. And I am sure my brother and sis in law too and dad...okay my whole stinkin family! They worry that I will get super depressed and spiral out of control. So I assured her that I am a different person than I was when I was a teenager. I have a totally different relationship with God and now when I am down and sad I cling to Him and He lifts me up. When I am weak, He is strong...so I know I will be okay no matter what. As I type this I wonder how in the world can I ever say thank you enough to God for this life inside of me?? I know I can't, just like I could never thank Him enough for sending His son to die for our sins!!!! All He wants is for us to love Him and worship only Him. He doesn't ask for much does He!!

Throughout all of this wait I have told myself the verse..be still and know that I am God. Everytime I get worried or get scared I say it to myself! I know that that verse says it all. He is God and really that is ALL that matters. I am not the best at quoting scripture nor I am the best at witnessing, but I feel so compelled to ask you this...DO YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD??? If the answer is no I beg you to pray and ask God into your heart and ask Him to forgive you for your sins. We all are sinners. Pray to Him!!! He is there waiting for you, He wants a relationship with you SOOOOO badly. Even more than we want to be a momma! Yes, that is alot. And let me tell you the journey won't be smooth sailing just b/c you are a christian or become saved, but with God things are soooo different. There is this joy you in Him have and His warm love you feel around you. It is truly amazing!!! So I beg you to pray to Him!!! He is such a sweetheart :D Please don't get mad if I didn't do that right. I think that is the first time I have witnessed before so please know that! I just wrote from my heart.

Praise God! One beta down, one more to go on Wednesday. Then my u/s will be on Sept. 14. The longest 2ww of my life :D Love to all!!

*****update*****We are keeping this on the DL b/c we want to wait til our first u/s until we tell everyone. Our family and close friends know and now of course all of you so if you are friends with me on fb please don't post anything about it or if you know me IRL (in real life) please keep it a secret..thanks sooo much!

Friday, August 28, 2009

OH THE HEARTBURN!!!

This morning I was minding my own business and had just finished a bowl of Tot.al cereal then BAM it hit me! This heartburn is the WORST heartburn I have ever had. I mean it is like lava flowing from my chest all the way to my head and I swear it is spewing out of my head right now. All of this after cereal...come on!!! Then it got so bad that I started googling ways to stop it in its tracks. I found that chewing gum could help..big no no. I opened up a piece of gum and popped it in...only to run to the bathroom gagging. Then I threw up all of my breakfast and to add to it my glasses fell off my head and into the toilet with my bkfast. I was like....NOOOOOO!!! I was trying not to look at it (throwup) b/c I knew I would start heaving again. I blindly got my glasses and washed them off...my head and neck were on fire. I grabbed a rag and ran cold water over it and put it on my head and neck and had some relief. I really thought I was dying it was so painful!! And yes I am a baby when it comes to not feeling well.

I am hoping these are pg symptoms!!!! And I know that I said I wanted all of the pg symptoms I could get, but can I trade in heartburn for anything else??? Heartburn is a killer. I would even rather throw up all day....seriously!! And if I am blessed enough to be pg....if my heartburn is this bad now...what the heck will I have when I have a big baby in there?? I might have to live in the freezer!

I did look up all the things I can do to help heartburn. And I must say eating cereal was not on the list of causing heartburn. Therefore, I am hoping..hoping..hoping..that it is due to being PG!!!! My head is starting to cool down and I am exhausted from it all. I want to lay down, but I know that will make it worse so I am going to try to sit on this couch and rest with my head elevated wayyyyyy up.

Just wanted to update y'all on Shauna. I was able to text her yesterday and she is still in the hospital for her high blood pressure. Please keep her in your prayers...I know she just wants to get well so she can be with her new baby Jakob. Pray for her family too...I know they are doing everything they can to help her out and take care of Jakob and I am sure they are worried too. I just pray for God to give them all peace and help the doctors have tons of wisdom to help Shauna. As you can imagine...after dealing with IF...you don't want to have anything keep you from your precious baby. Thanks ladies!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Not one to hold a grudge!!

Yesterday my doctor called me. Yes...Dr. Jerk!! I am sure that the nurse told him that he was being a meanie to me and he may have felt bad. He called just to check on me...he said that he knows this is a tough time and wanted to know how I was doing. I was very polite to him and told him I was fine. Then he said he was keeping his fingers and toes crossed for me. WOW, so that was nice of him. He didn't exactly apologize, but I don't like to hold grudges so I totally forgive him. Wasn't it Peter who forgave the ones who were stoning him?? So how can I not forgive him for being rude. I am not saying that I plan to stay with this doctor if this FET doesn't work. I plan to move onto a place where my insurance covers all procedures!! But if this FET does work, then I will see this doctor for the remainder of my time with this practice. I am a little bit hesitant about that b/c I don't want to be on the end of one of his fits! So i guess we will see. I guess I can forgive him and still chose not to see him, right? Neways enough about that!!

I have been having a rough time with my thoughts lately. My thoughts have been constantly worrying about whether or not I am pg this time. I have been driving myself nuts. Then I remembered that I needed to be still and know that God is God!!!!! Being still for me...in my mind..is not an easy task. So everytime I start to doubt I say BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!! Is that verse in Jeremiah...I am not sure right now. Lastnight I couldn't get to bed b/c my mind was going 90 to nothing...and todd was coughing at decibel levels!! Instead of worrying I decided to ask God to come and daydream with me for a while. I had already prayed and asked him if he would like to daydream about the day when I have a child. I am sure He said yes :D Or atleast was super nice and tagged along anyway :D I could imagine so much. I pictured each day waking up to such a blessing. I imagined Todd when he was little and pictured our future little boy. How cute he would be!! I could see us doing so much together and I just got so many butterflies!!! Then I pictured me when I was little and imagined a little girl. Oh the bows and dresses she would wear!!! Then I pictured them both side by side...little todd and little dana..oh my heart was melting. Of course, I am sure that is not exactly what our kids will look like, but I could only imagine!!! That daydream calmed me down and somewhere in between picturing hair bows and footballs I fell asleep!! What a wonderful way to fall asleep!!

So I can only imagine, but one day it will be real! So far my symptoms haven't been much help. I have had to tinkle a lot more and then the girls are sore every now and again...and lately I have had this kind of lump in my throat. It is like I am about to get heartburn, but never do. I don't know what that is all about. Today I am planning to get out of the house. I am going to get Todd's paycheck :D and deposit it and then head over to this store I LOVE that monograms everything and pick out my friend a baby gift. Then maybe I will grab some lunch in the car and head home. My parents are wanting to eat dinner with me so I am psyched about that!! Todd is working his 14 hour day today so I am glad I have so much to fill my day. I have three more days til the beta. I am not counting today or Monday :D I am 6dp5dt! And I am not going to POAS at all! I don't even want to look at one..hehe

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Prayer request!!!!

Okay Ladies...we got some praying to do!!! I know all of you remember Shauna and if not trust me she is one awesome lady! She just had her little bundle of joy and is not struggling with her blood pressure. She was admited back into the hospital and her family is hoping that she will only have to be there a short time. Please pray for her to get better and be able to be with her little baby boy Jakob. I know she is probably scared right now...I cannot even imagine. So we could also pray for God to give her comfort!! I will let y'all know any updates I get!! Thanks so much for all of your help!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Little trip off the couch!!

I finally got out of the house and I feel sooo much better. Todd got off work yesterday around 3:30 and we caught up with each other and I gave him some kisses :D I had missed him so much!! We decided to go out for dinner. We had both been so good lately by eating at home and conserving the funds! When we finally agreed on a place to go..which was buff.alos. I told Todd to invite his mom b/c she LOVES buff.alos. Luckily she had not eaten yet so we were off to eat. I drove b/c I felt like Todd may drive and be too bumpy. I thought if I was driving then it wouldn't seem as bumpy. I had the best chicken tenders covered in medium buffalo sauce and yummy curly fries. I was loving it. I have been so good with my diet lately and I have avoided unnecessary carbs that would mess with my sugar levels. SO I gave myself a treat...french fries!!! Todd's mom invited us over to the house and we thought well we are half way there already and we would get to visit with Todd's dad too. We went to their house and got to see some cousins too. Our little cousins Taylor and Chloe were showing us how they can do their flips and cartwheels. Taylor is so going to be in the Olympics one day she is soo good at gymnastics.

Then we settled in the house and chilled. We watched dating in the dark and loved it. I have seen the previews for it, but never actually watched a show. I can't believe how many ppl let looks influence their decision. I mean they only had to meet on the balcony not get married. They could have tried one more date. There was one girl who was crying b/c she had rejected this guy, but her crying looked so fake. I think she was more upset with how she looked than how she had upset that guy.

We got home and hit the sack! Poor Todd coughed all night and I know he didn't sleep well. I almost asked him to go into the guest room so I could get some sleep, but I would rather him be in there with me. I can't sleep well when he isn't in the bed with me...so I chose to deal with the coughing. I hope I don't get sick too. My ear is hurting a bit this morning and I have some drainage. All I can think of is that I don't want to start coughing...even though I know I can't cough the baby out..still I don't want to test that theory..hehe.

Today I plan to continue couching it and being lazy. Even though going to Hard.ees sounds oh soo good right now. Who knows maybe I can talk Todd into going for bkfast. I love their biscuits and gravy. I may even make Todd a doctor's appt. b/c I know he won't and when he get sick...with a cough...he stays sick for months. It drives both of us crazy!!

Symptoms so far that drive me crazy: The only symptoms I have right now is sore girls! That is it!!!! I wish I had more, but no such luck. And they only seem to get sore at night. And we all know that can be from all the meds I am taking. I am eagerly waiting on the bad taste in my mouth to present itself b/c that is the main symptom I had with my first pregnancy.

HAPPY TUESDAY TO ALL!! Next Monday will never get here...ugggggggg!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

3dp5dt or 3dp6dt??

Couching it is driving me nuts! I can't believe how hard it is to just lay around and watch tv. I guess I forgot that waiting with me is always a task :D I had gotten used to being busy with soccer practice, football practice, and driving my neecy poos around. Thankfully, today there is a ton of CSI reruns to keep me occupied. I love getting caught up in those shows. So far I am at 3dp5dt. I am not sure if that is correct b/c the embryologist said the embryo was at 6 days. So do I say 3dp6dt??? I am not sure! I have one more week to wait til we know something, unless AF comes before then. I have been taking my meds and being good with my diet. I feel so bad for Toby b/c he is getting sick. Last night he kept coughing and waking himself up...he was so pitiful. Then he had to get up and go to work. He is such a trooper. I am hoping he will come home today and take a nap.

This past weekend I got to see my brother and sil. Of course I hate calling her a SIL b/c she is more of a sister, but it sounds weird when I say my brother and his wife my sister..hehe Sounds a bit gross huh!! Neways, they were working on their adoption portfolio so I gave them all of my scrapbooking tools. I didn't realize how much scrapbooking stuff I had. It has been a while since I even attempted to finish up some scrapbooks I started oh so long ago. I was so glad that I got to see them. I miss them sooo much. My parents came over with them and brought us some yummy dinner: Meatloaf, dressing, green beans, and potato salad. I was in heaven :D I guess it is obvious that I LOVE to eat!! All this talk about food is making me hungry for lunch..hehe

Has anyone heard from Becca? Becca I hope you and baby are doing awesome and I miss you girl! I will try to refrain from posting everyday, but I am making no promises..we all know how waiting for that beta can make a woman crazy!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Transfer day in detail!

I found myself looking back at my old posts from the last transfer and my first pregnancy. It was bittersweet. I was searching for future answers as usual. Then I read some of my old posts and those posts reminded me that I need to just have faith in God's plan. So right now I am picturing myself basking in God's love like a turtle basking the the sun's rays. Even though I know that this may not be the right timing...and I excited knowing that each day gets me closer to His plan! Before, I questioned whether or not I was meant to be a momma. Now I never question that...I know that God put this desire in my heart for a reason. And all of that helps give me peace about it all b/c I know it is only a matter of time before I have a child in my arms! I hope none of you ever feel like you are not meant to be mommas. I know that God put those desires in your heart for a reason and if you can't quite get to a point of knowing that then I will know if for you until you can!!!

Okay I said I would explain why I have now started calling my doctor..Dr. Jerk! Yesterday my doctor pitched a fit and showed his true colors. While we were in the middle of starting the transfer...imagine...me on the table showing all my glory and the nurse starting the ultrasound on my tummy. Dr. Jerk had already gotten everything down there ready for the embryologist to bring in the catheter with our embie in it. Before she could even get through the door Dr. Jerk asked me when the last time I went to the bathroom was. I answered him 11:30..it was after 2 at that point and I had drank 22 ounces of water. Then he asked me again with a really added to the question. I said 11:30 a little bit louder b/c I am used to ppl not hearing me. I tend to talk to low. He got up and pushed his chair back and said angrily well we can't do this now, we have to wait, her bladder is NOT full. Then my nurse turned to me and said that is why I asked you if your bladder was full. I was speechless. I told her that I feel like I have to pee and showed her the bottle of water I had inhaled before. She didn't believe me and by that time Dr. Jerk had stormed out of the room. They left me in the transfer room with the ultrasound gel all over my stomach, which had gotten all over my shirt by then. I was so upset that I cried. How could he be so insensitive on such an important day. All this crap about not stressing and he is causing all the stress. When the nurse came back in I told her that Dr. Jerk was rude and there was a better way to say what he said...she only commented by saying can you imagine working with him monday through friday. So I knew then that he was simply a big ole Jerk!! My friend Joni told me to pee on him when he got back in there and just say oops. I know that would have been hilarious, but I could not do it. Joni was so upset with him too and so we waited for an hour and I drank 44 more ounces of water to make sure my darn bladder was bursting at the seams.

Then after the transfer Dr. Jerk tried to be all nice and polite and said congratulations to me and then put his hand out to shake my hand. Well...somehow I had gotten some of that ultrasound gel on my hand and well...I couldn't be impolite...so I shook his hand! hehe That was about as mean as I could get, but somehow it made me feel a little bit better. To top all of that off, I got so sick on the way home. I felt like I was going to die. I know a bit dramatic, but I did start crying and told Joni I just wanted my mommy!! And I did so badly! Thankfully, Todd told me to get some food in my system b/c I had possible washed all the electrolytes of my body and was getting weak. Joni had some skittles so I ate a few and felt much better. I am sure the good cry helped a bit too. That day was just so overwhelming...with all the old emotions clashing with all my new emotions..it was crazy. We stopped on the way home and got the best chick-fil-a sandwich ever! So that was my crazy day and why my doctor has a new name!!!!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Transfer Done!

Just wanted to update you and let you know that the transfer is done and I am home. Today was crazy to say the least and I have a new name for my doctor...Dr. Jerk. I will fill y'all in on all the details tomorrow. I don't want to think about it b/c I am home and in a good mood. So thank you all for your prayers. I am hoping that the third time is the charm :D My embie looked good, so now I am praying that it attaches and decides to stay for 9 months :D Love y'all!!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Just call me the papparazzi!

Pics!! YAY!!

Yesterday was fun! I got to take Carley to "jistnastics"..hehe! I was sad b/c Anna Claire was sick so she had to miss out on the fun! And she was so upset!! Plus her best friend Lizzie was there and didn't want to do anything without her Anna. These kids were so sweet. And I was so bad b/c one mom told me that Carley was so cute and I said thank you and just basked in the daydream that she was my child. Of course, the other moms that knew my sis knew the truth, but I didn't want to just blurt out oh no she is my niece. There was no point :D Here is Carley doing her thing on the bars. She is showing us how she stops on the trampoline..too cute!!

Gotta stretch it out...and that little boy beside her was soo good. He amazed us all!

Carley had to take a pic of me in the car before we went in b/c I had to take a pic of her in my car :D


Here she is in my car...YAY!!! Thank you Joni for that seat!!





The other day we went to my parent's house and this is Anna Claire striking a pose with Uncle Todd. Such a model!



And todd's sis sent me this pic of us with Jacob (our nephew) at football practice. I forgot my camera and was sooo mad at myself. Thankfully, she had her camera and took a pic of us! Isn't he the cutest football player ever!!!!










Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Jistnastics..hehe

Why is it that when we want time to slow down it speeds up and vice versa?? This week is going by sooo fast and I am a bit scared of Friday getting here. I guess b/c I have had so much on my plate this week...and all of it has been fun so that helps too. So far, I picked up my niece and took her to soccer practice then went over to my sissy's house afterwards and chilled. It was so much fun! The girls are growing up soooooo fast and I hate it! While I was there my sis showed me the website where steph. mey.er has put up her draft of twil.ight from edward's perspective. Let's just say I stayed up til 2 am and finished it. I love that series...her writing takes me right into the book.

Staying up so late lastnight did put a damper on today b/c I didn't feel like getting much done. Remember my plan to get this house squeaky clean and cook a zillion meals...yeah..hasn't happened. And it may not. I am just going to enjoy this week b/c I know next week I will be on pins and needles!! It is weird b/c I want to be pg so badly, but after all that has happened I am scared. I just hope that the wait goes by fast!!

This evening I kept my friend's kiddos while she and her hubs went to curriculum night at the school. I love those kids so much. We ate bbq pizza and it was YUMMY!! Then I tried to play with both of them at the same time and found that hard. I was trying to watch tv with Maddie and play cowboys with Will. As soon as I would start shooting..with the play cowboy, Maddie would ask me to watch what just happened on tv. It was so funny. I am surprised I didn't get whiplash. And I swear that Will grows atleast an inch a day. He is getting so tall...just like his momma. And tonight Will asked me when I was going to have a baby again. He and Maddie know all about our pregnancy and the struggles...well on their level. I told him I hope soon and asked him to pray for me. He said he would and I said I can't wait to be a mom so that I can have kids like him and Maddie. Then he said well, they won't look like me. Too cute...and I said no, but they will be as sweet as you. He was all smiles and my heart was just melting! I don't know what I will do if they ever move!!!! I left their house in the best mood. I have just loved this week so far. I love spending time with my sweeties!!

And tomorrow I get to take Carley and Anna Claire to what they call jistnastics (gymnastics). I took gymnastics in the same place they are taking classes and I can't wait to see it since I am older. I am sure it will look much smaller. Terri, my sis told me that I may have to leave b/c the girls may get distracted with me watching, but I plan to beg them to ignore me so I can stay and watch! And hopefully take some pics. I am a picture lovin fool!

Okay now that I have warmed up I need to write out my fears and concerns. I can't keep it bottled up or I will implode! My biggest worry is of course that this won't work. I need to start preparing myself for that!! I know that I will be a mom someday somehow so I have to remember that anytime I get scared. I have decided that if this FET doesn't work then Todd and I are going to another RE. I am not sure if we will do IVF again..I just know for sure that I want another doctor's opinion on my case. It wouldn't hurt anyway! Hopefully, I won't have to deal with that. I know that God is so good and so loving! I feel so much warmth from our precious Lord and Savior! He is amazing!! I love Him so much and I know now that no matter what that will not change!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Lately!

Okay ladies we have a date! The transfer is going to be Friday, the 21st around lunchtime. I am hoping that Todd can go with me and just dress for work so he can leave as soon as we get home from the transfer. I requested valium from my nurse for the day of!! I am just so nervous right now and I know as the days progress it will get worse. I have plans this upcoming week to clean the heck out of the house and possibly make some dinners to freeze. That is me being really overconfident in my goals :D But I am going to try to do it all. I want to be able to just rest after the transfer and I am bad at asking for help from others...so if I do it all first then I will be set!! I also talked to Todd about soccer practice. We have it on Mondays and Thursdays, so I asked him if he thinks I should go the week after the FET. He said no, which totally shocked me! Usually he is the type of person that is at work when he is sick...ya know never call in...just suck it up kinda guy. I thought if he said to stay home then I will stay home. I was kinda leaning towards staying home b/c our practices are SUPER hot and exhausting! My sister thankfully volunteered to do my Monday practice and my brother in law...her hubby..is going to do my Thursday practice. Then I will have a complete week to let the embie implant. (fingers and toes and eyes crossed)

Today Toby and I worked in the yard and he "let" me cut the grass in the backyard. Let me explain the quotations around let. He is very picky about his grass. Don't ask me why...I was raised running and playing on weeds, but he loves taking care of our grass and making it look like a golf course. So I usually don't even ask when it comes to cutting grass. Which I totally don't mind..hehe Neways, we had a lot of things that we have been trying to finish in the yard so I told Todd that I would cut the backyard and that was that! It has been so long since I rode a lawnmower that it was quite comical. We got half of what we wanted to get done and then we stopped and decided to rest. Todd is napping right now and I plan to let him nap as long as he needs. He has been working so much lately...going in early and staying late b/c his boss' boss was planning to visit the store! He is such a hardworker. I love and hate that about him :D

When Todd first fell asleep I decided to move everything out of the future baby's room. We have accumulated things in there over the years and I needed it all out! I got everything moved but an old broken t.v. that we need to trash. I know that room will have a baby in it..I just don't know when or how!! But atleast it is ready to decorate!

Tonight we have plans to eat with my parents. I am so happy b/c I haven't seen them in forever and we live way too close to not see each other regularly. I love going out to my parent's house and just relaxing and soaking up moments with my momma and daddy. Plus I just found out that my sissy and her hubs and my neecy poos are coming to my parent's house too..YAY!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

not seeing an end to this valley!

Outside the crickets are so loud and it reminds me of when I was young and in school. I can remember listening to them every night before school. What a simpler time that was...I had all these dreams..all these plans. Little did I know I would be here!

Because we have started this whole process of trying to have a baby back up...my mind and heart have been going crazy. I read the shack and in it he talks about this great sadness that he has. He simply calls it the great sadness. And I can relate to that so much. I feel like I carry around this huge sadness with me everyday. Even when I am laughing so hard with Todd and being silly there is always this sadness in my heart. I long for what could have been with our lost baby. I wonder why I am still sitting the race on the sidelines. Why did God even put me in the race if He knew I would be benched so early into it? So many questions and so much that I have to just take on faith. Faith that God loves me and knows what is best for me. Faith that God doesn't make bad things happen...but He works so hard to make good things come from the bad ones.

I hate this and I just can't seem to shake this sadness. Lord, I have no more words. You know my heart and you know my pain. Please be here with me!! Help me to have the strength to not give up! I love you so dearly and I just don't think I can take much more. Please Lord, I am not strong..I am weak. I am only strong in You! How can I have such a great desire in my heart to be a mother and still have empty arms? I need Your arms around me and I need You!! Please make this pain go away! Please Lord....I am Yours!!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

valleys!

I have been having a hard time lately. It has been tough b/c there is a girl that is my neighbor and a friend on facebook and she is about how far along I should be. So when I sign on to fb and see her belly pics..I get so sad!!! I just keep thinking that we should know if we are having a boy or a girl right now. It just makes me so mad...which is basically sadness. I feel like I was running this race and I have had to sit out and watch everyone around me finish it. It sucks!!! It all makes me want to SCREAM!!!!

I really thought that this would get easier, but there are times when I feel like I can't take it another day and want to just yell at God and pitch a fit! It is days like today when I have no patience and feel so lost. And all from a pic on fb. I know I shouldn't even look, but you know it shows updates on the home page and I can't help but look. Maybe I need to just go and yell with God. I am sure He won't mind yelling with me. Then atleast I am not yelling at Him! I know that He has a plan!! And I know that He is going to make something good come from all of this suffering and already has....it is just so hard right now. It just stings so badly when this happens.

I have been telling myself not to get my hopes up on this next transfer. I mean there are so many hurdles. The first hurdle is that the embryo makes the thaw. Then the little bugger has to attach. Then there is beta #1...then beta #2...then the first ultrasound..then the second. If I am pg from this transfer I won't even believe it until I deliver :D I don't think I am even going to tell anyone. Well of course I will tell y'all!! But I can't go through letting so many ppl down again. It is hard enough to let myself and my husband down....but not all of my family and friends too!!!

I think it has been hard too b/c we just went to see my nephew practice football and he is 4..they were sooo cute!!! And the coach wanted to know which kid was ours...well..yeah! I wish! I don't think explaining that we don't have a kid...well it never gets easy does it? I wish I could go and visit God like in the book the shack and just hang out with Jesus and watch the stars. I would just wrap up in His arms and cry for hours.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Oh Love..oh the many colors that you're made of...you heal...you bleed!!

Wow, I just figured out how to open a picture in powerpoint and add text to it! As you can see in my very simple banner :D Of course it took me a while to figure out how to save it and upload it as a picture..and I am still now sure how I did that..hehe Anyways I am just glad that I did do it. So I hope that y'all like it :D I struggled with verses to put on it and am still wondering if I should put another verse...there are so many I want on it. I wish I could figure out how to make it change kinda like a slideshow. There are just so many verses that mean so much to me. It is hard to pick just one!

Well, it is official I am a witchy poo! My meds have made me a moody woman. And I mean moody. Poor Todd...it is like he is walking on thin ice. I have been trying just to be distant so I don't lash out at him for no good reason, but sometimes I still lash out. I am working on it. I hate feeling like this b/c usually I am so carefree and easygoing..now the littlest things make my blood boil. I started reading the shack yesterday and finished it up this morning. I could not put it down. And lastnight while Todd and some of his friends and family watched the fight I was upstairs in my bed reading away. I finally had to put the book down and go to sleep b/c my eyes just could not work anymore. So this morning as soon as I got up I picked the book back up and started reading again. Now I am just trying to sort through it all...all that I read...all of my feelings and thoughts. This book has stirred up some serious soul searching and I know it will be something I am thinking about for a while. I know that different ppl have different reactions to the book. It is hard to explain what I am taking away from this book. I know some would think you should read it and take it literally and then others say just take away what you want and fit it accordingly to your belief and heart. I just know how I know God and my personal relationship with Him. The book just helped me adore God even more and appreciate our relationship. I also noticed how much our relationship has grown.

Infertility has been the reason that I have been on bended knee for so long. The struggles, the pain...and the fear. There were times when I had to make a decision to turn from God or continue trusting Him with my heart and my life. And I didn't decide in a second..it took time. Especially when my heart was recently broken into a million pieces. At the beginning of this I knew I loved God, but I don't think we had the best relationship. We talked some and that was about it. Now I feel like He is always with me..in everything I do. Also, for a long time I thought that my prince charming would come and rescue me from all the world's pains. Now that is a lot to put on Todd!! I have learned now that the only one that can rescue me is God...and for me that is a big deal. I can even remember thinking how am I suppose to love God more that I love Todd...when I really know Todd and I didn't feel like I knew God in the same way. Well, IF has given me that gift...now I know God and can see how I can love him more than anyone or anything. Wow, who would have ever thought that I would be saying that IF has given me a gift!!! But it still sucks..hehe

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Pics!


Here are some pics from our visit to the museum to see Monet's work....and then some from earlier today...and at soccer!! Enjoy!

And here I am with Monet


This is me earlier today when I thought my head was going to explode..the nurse said I could take tylenol and that was it....BOOOO!! Maggie is chilling with her momma. I love my Maggie may!




Somehow I got up and headed out to soccer practice!!






Here is me with my neecy poo!! The reason I am coaching!!






Kick it girl!!!









My other neecy poo being as cute as always...she wants to play so badly, but isn't old enough yet.



Precious Angel!!!

Side Effects..Hate them!!

Well, the meds are definitely working. I have been feeling like a witchy poo lately!! The side that I just put the first two patches on my tummy is feeling a bit sore. I have had a constant headache and all together I just feel like I am PMSing all the time! I am not sure why, but I actually thought that these meds wouldn't give me much to complain about. I guess I forgot it all very quickly!
I looked up the side effects for the patches I am wearing and it said: Dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, stomach upset, bloating, nausea, weight changes, increased/decreased interest in sex, breast tenderness, or skin redness/irritation at the application site may occur.
Then I looked up estrace..the vaginal inserts I am taking and it said: Dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, stomach upset, bloating, nausea, weight changes, increased/decreased interest in sex, or breast tenderness may occur.

So it looks like I have a double dose of the same thing :D I am kinda worried about soccer practice tonight b/c I feel like I am so moody right now. I don't want to be a meanie coach! Oh and this is so gross but I have to share. Lately my deodorant hasn't been working..what is up with that. I changed deodorants and the new one doesn't work either. I mean, I am not like stinkin it up all the time, just usually at the end of the day. I am so mad about this....I don't know what is going on!!! Is it a hormonal thing?? I know y'all are so excited to hear about me and my armpit difficulties..hehe sorry!!

Todd and I saw funny ppl lastnight..it was good, but the F word was all over the screen. I am not sure why this word is so necessary in the movies these days. The past few movies we have seen have had that word in it and everytime I hear it I just cringe!! It makes me just want to go and see kid's movies!! I am hoping to get some pics tonight at soccer so I can show you how cute these kids are...and how clumsy I am sure I look out there!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Color!!!

YAY!!! Thanks Michelle I found it!!!! As you can tell by my text color :D I had to go to settings and allow compose to be on my post options. So thank you now I can get colorful!!!

baseline ultrasound, girl time, soccer lovin, bible readin, wonderin woman..hehe

I went for my baseline ultrasound and all looks good. It was hard going back to the office b/c it brought back all the sad memories of losing littlebit! I had to keep telling myself that I wouldn't cry. And I only teared up for a bit, so I was proud of myself. I started my meds that day...and will see my dr. again on the 14th for mid cycle monitoring. The doc. said we have a 75 - 85% chance of the embryo making it through the thaw...so I am hoping it makes it :D After the dr. visit I got to meet up with one of my awesome best friends Lori. We met up at her gorgeous condo..and I got to see her rockin new car too. It made me want a Honda..so bad!! Then we went to eat and have some girl chat. Lori is the most genuine person I know...she has a heart the size of the moon!! I love her sooo much!! So I was happy to get to spend time with her. I am hoping to get together with her again soon!

Other than that I am LOVING Help coach soccer and plan to go and buy a soccer ball today so I can play at home. It is so much fun. I always wanted to play when I was highschool, but was too self conscious to do it. I just knew I would fall flat on my face...literally. But I guess I am not as clumsy as I thought. We have practice again on thursday evening and I am psyched.

I am also planning on reading Romans. Todd and I have this book that tells you the background info on books in the Bible...like who wrote each book..where they were coming from in their time period and neat facts. So we read the one about Romans and Paul writing it...and now we have to read the actual book :D Our preacher has challenged us to plan to read our Bibles daily...and we aren't so great at that. I guess you could say if the Bible is our food..then we are severely malnourished! So that is a goal of mine...read more of the Lord's word!!!

I was wondering if anyone could tell me why I don't have the options when I post a blog to change the color of my text. I remember having that option before and now it has disappeared from the options and I only get to bold...italisize..insert links...spell check..insert pics..and insert videos..but NO color changes??? How can I get that back??? Just wondering. Love to all my sisters!!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Learning to play soccer!

Af showed up this morning!! I kinda thought it was coming b/c I have been super PMSing lately. And it is odd b/c before when I was on all the IF meds I didn't PMS as much, but this month I made up for all of those months!!! I of course was disappointed..I know you would think I would learn, but I don't. Each month right before AF I get my hopes up. I wonder if this is the time that God has chosen for me to be a mother. I get excited and then when I discover that it is not the time yet..I sigh a sad sigh. I actually should be glad that I still get hopeful. I know there was a time I didn't. I know that each day that passes is a day closer to God's path and to motherhood. I don't know how or when, but I know it will happen.

I called my IF nurse, but the office was closed and so I left a message. Hopefully, I can do a baseline ultrasound on Monday and it will be okay. It will be CD 3 and my nurse said that we would do it on CD 2. Oh well, not gonna stress!! I am excited about Monday b/c I am helping coach my nieces soccer team. I know NOTHING about soccer but thankfully the other coach does. Plus the kids are four, so it will be basics. I guess I will finally learn soccer. I have always wanted to play, but I am not coordinated. Therefore, I never tried and never learned. It just always looked like so much fun...so now I will!! It made me think that if I had a list of things I wanted to have done before I was 30..that learning how to play soccer would be one of them. I know I have a list like that, but I made it a long time ago and do not know where it is. Plus there is a lot that was on my previous list that I have already accomplished :D

So I will make a new one!!!
Things I want to accomplish before I am the BIG 3..0...!!!!
1. Learn how to play soccer
2. Have a party at our house
3. Read the entire Bible, I can't believe I haven't done this yet
4. Buy a bike and start cycling with the hubs
5. Be a mom!...had to add that one!!

Okay that list doesn't seem to big! I am going to get on it! What would be on your list???