Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Busy Day!!

Today was super busy. I can't complain b/c I wanted it to be so that I wouldn't be bummed without Toby. I went to my obgyn and got my oil changed..hehe. They took 6 viles of blood!!! I was kinda out of it afterwards. I told some friends that I was shocked that they didn't take a hair sample too. Also, I was excited to know that I may have ovulated this month from my right ovary. This is exciting b/c I never seem to ovulate from that ovary. But of course the doc was like you just ovulated and I am like great...I am suppose to start at the end of this week!! So I am still so off hormonally. After meeting with my obgyn I am confident that I want him to be the one that delivers our future babies. I had not been to him a long time and had forgotten how sweet he was and how much he loves the Lord. I enjoyed catching up with him and sharing how God has worked in my life. Every chance I get I want to tell EVERYONE about how God holds me up and strengthens me daily. I could never get tired to telling the story of how I know that God is working in my life and working His plan and I am okay with whatever His plan is. WOW...I have really come a long way recently. Praise God!!

Just to show you how He works in my life, today on the way to the obgyn I was nervous. My friend Delia texted me...the one that has the niece in the Philippines that is pg and we were trying to adopt from her. So I called her back to see how her family was doing. She told me they were doing good, but worried about how they are going to support this baby. It just breaks my heart to hear that, so I have an idea. I am going to talk to Todd and see if we can send them money each month. I don't even care if they know it is from us I just want them to be able to have food on the table and not stress. Just to give you an idea of money difference..an ultrasound there is like $14 and they could not afford to go and get one. So we could really help them out. As soon as I hung up with Delia I turned the radio up and the song I am waiting on you Lord was playing by John Waller was playing. This song is so moving and I told God I was listening and I am waiting on Him.

The rest of my day included a trip to wally world and then I headed home to throw down in the kitchen. I decided to cook meatloaf, dressing, green beans, and creamed corn. It was REALLY good. I have to say I love my meatloaf recipe. If anyone wants it I will share...it is so yummy. And I do my cornbread dressing like my mom and use ingredients that I don't think most ppl use. It is very simple and oh so good. Right now I am super full :D It took me forever to cook it all and then clean it all up, but it was worth it. I even made Todd a plate for work tomorrow and a plate for tonight. And we still have leftovers. That is why it is so hard to cook just for two..there is always so much!!

As for tomorrow...if it doesn't rain...I am going to hang with Todd's sis and mom at the pool. Then I may head down to my parent's house later in the day to see my sister and neecy poos and my parents of course :D I am so glad that I have plans to make the day go by fast. I will try to remember to take my camera tomorrow. I have been wanting to document everything I do, but I keep forgetting to bring my camera...or like tonight forget to take pics in general :D

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lately...and Nichole!!

Drumroll please...hehe. I am going with the swoop bangs for now and plan to do the straight across bangs in the winter. I knew you were all waiting on the edge of your seats. :D

This week seems to be going by fast or atleast it is in my head. Last night I went to a birthday party for a dear friend's step dad. He passed away recently and would have been 70. I know it sounds weird to have a birthday party for someone that has passed, but there were some unfinished business that had to be taken care of. For one the person that was suppose to play TAPS at the funeral didn't show up. The get together was very sweet and I could only hope that when it is my time to go be with God that I will be atleast half as loved as Collin was. I was glad that I got to go with my best friend and be with her during this time of sadness and celebration of Collin's wonderful life.

So Monday went by pretty fast for me...then today Todd went to his parent's house to help his dad do a few things. And before I knew it...it is after 10 pm and I am getting ready for Wednesday..so hump day already..time is passing way too fast. Tomorrow I have scheduled a PAP and other required blood work that has to be done before the next FET. Of course, I secretly wish that we got pg on our own during this break, but I know that I have to tell myself that is soooo unlikely so I don't get crushed when AF shows. I haven't been to my obgyn in forever so it is weird to go back to him. I really wish my IF doctor would do my PAP and all the other stuff. But they are being difficult. As if all this stuff wasn't difficult enough now I have to go to another doctor and get him to fax my results to the IF doctor. I know CRAZY!! And ANNOYING!! Today my right ovary was hurting and I am soo bloated so I know AF is right around the corner. Possible as soon as I leave the doctor I will start...that is usually how it works.

I am not looking forward to Wed. night or Thursday b/c Todd will be working the whole time and life just isn't as fun with him not around. He brings the color in my life :D And I am sure that those hours will pass slowly...so I may need to keep myself busy. I do have to mail somethings to some very special friends I met in bloggerworld. Shauna and Cat...I so need to mail y'all something special and I have been so lazy. I promise I will get on that. That will be my mission while Todd is working. YAY..just added one thing to my to do list :D Now I just need a few more. I am sure I can add cleaning to that list and it will be super long...hehe

Just wanted to send a shout out to Nichole, she is having surgery soon. I know you are nervous, but just know we are praying for you sweety and I am praying for the BEST results and a quick recover!! Love to all my sisters!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

My day in pics!

I took pics today to document the day. Yes..I am bored :D So here is how the day went.
My dad showed up early to pick up the rose bushes we dug up from our front yard. Todd and I aren't skilled enough to take care of them. Here is my dad with the bushes loaded up on the truck :D

Then we went to Hardees and pigged out on foods I am not suppose to eat..shhhh don't tell anyone :D



Then I went to get more contacts....


And get my haircut!!


Which leads me to my question..bangs or swoop bangs?? Here are two pics...my stylist cut my bangs kinda short so I was playing with them to see what straight across bangs would look on me...should I go back and get her to cut the rest??? Or is this not a good look for me. Be honest...I don't want to go around looking stupid :D



Yeah..pretty boring!! I know, but that was my day in pics. On the IF front I made an appt. to get a pap next week before we start all the stuff for the FET. I am just trying to keep myself super busy!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Upcoming fears and Sarah!

It is getting closer to the next FET. When AF comes I am suppose to call my nurse and I think we will start it all up again. I am pretty scared about it all. I may just have to go into with a "it isn't gonna work" attitude. If you haven't noticed I get my hopes up really easily and get so passionate and then BAM knocked back down. I haven't been the best on my diet...the one for PCOS. I do good maybe one meal a day. My diet is so hard for me. I know it sounds so stupid, but I am a southern girl that loves cornbread and sweet tea..and cheese grits. And don't get me wrong I would do anything to raise my chances of having a baby, but for some reason it is like I am addicted and don't even realize I am doing it.

I decided I was going to call my IVF nurse and ask her to do another hormone panel on me...they did one early on in my treatment and I would like to see if I am getting better or staying the same. I have lost 30 lbs and I am hoping that it helped me out in the hormone department. I will keep y'all updated on all of that.

Also,my mind has also been on Sarah. I know exactly how she is feeling and my heart is breaking for her. I have thought about her a lot today and asked God to hold her tightly and heal her heart. I just wish this wasn't so hard for us all. I wish we could just get pregnant and stay pregnant. I wish it was easier. Please if you get a chance go to her blog and give her some much needed love!!

Friday, July 17, 2009

There are NO coincidences!

Things happen for a reason. Hannah's story from the Bible shows me that there was a reason for her wait to be a mother. God had a plan the entire time and she had to wait in order to learn the lessons God had to teach her. She had to use that time to strengthen her faith and grow as a christian.

Let me tell you about my story. As you all know I am infertile. I have PCOS and don't really have the best luck at getting pregnant or staying pregnant. When Todd and I finally got pregnant after a FET we were overjoyed and when we lost the baby we were lost! I was very angry with God and I have had a hard journey to realize that I have to trust in the Lord and not stray from Him when bad things happen. It is so easy to just run away from Him and be mad. I did have my temper tantrums though!!! Through that experience I learned that I could have to have God in my life. I learned that like the air I breathe I need Him....well even more than air. Recently I find myself constantly chatting with God...when I am brushing my teeth...or driving down the road. I even love to dance with Him. You girls know about this kind of dancing. Music turned way too loud...hairbrush in hand..and you singing and dancing with all of your strength. I have learned to enjoy each second of my life.

I posted recently about a possible adoption. I haven't updated b/c things have been crazy and I didn't exactly know what to post. Long story short...the Lord placed a woman in our lives. Her name is Delia. She is from the Philippines and lives here in the US as a citizen. She is a very caring and dear person to me. She knew mine and todd's situation on the baby front b/c she works with Todd's dad. She has a niece in the Philippines that is pregnant with her second child. Her niece is Liezel. Liezel was abandoned by her husband and does not have the resources to take care of two children. She wanted to give her child a chance and give her up for adoption. Delia put us in contact with each other and I could see the Lord's hands in it all. I wondered if this was why we lost our baby and why we had not had a child yet. Could it be that this was the child God had been waiting to give us all along. I got to know Delia and her family from the Philippines. Her family is so loving and were so excited and proud that they could do this for their child. It seemed as though all was going to work out just like in a fairy tale. However, sadly it will not. After talking to three lawyers and finally being directed to a christian adoption agency I got some answers. You would think...well the mother can pick who she gives the child to right?? Wrong. In the Philippines there are laws that do not have provisions for things like this. The laws there prevent us from being able to adopt this child. This precious little girl. The sweet man at the agency, Jim, explained it all to me. Then I asked him what would happen to this child. He said that it would go to a Filipino family that wanted a child and I would have to pray and trust God to know that this family will be right for the child.

Even though my heart is aching. I was intent on looking for the lesson behind all of this. I have felt God in all of this and know that He is trying to show me that He is capable of a whole lot more than I give him credit for. I know there is a reason we have been connected with this family and sweet Delia. My emotions in the past two weeks have gone from 0 to 1000 very quickly and I am such an emotional person anyway which makes it harder. This really sucks, but I am determined to make good come from it.

How can I not...the Lord is working all around us and I am seeing it more and more. Even in the littlest ways...He is working His plan for all of us. Even today after I got this bad news I got good news for my brother and sis in law. My sister is working on a private adoption for them through some of her connections. So when your heart is aching and your heart is broken..when you feel like you cannot even make it another second b/c of the pain. DON'T stray from God. He is hurting just as much if not more. Try to let time heal you enough to get back to God. That is what I am doing. Okay..sorry this was so long...Love to all my sisters!!!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A Good Tired!

Things have been SO busy around here lately and my mind has been so full that lastnight I finally think it rebooted while I slept. B/c I had the weirdest dreams and I had a lot of dreams all related somehow to everything happening in real life. I am tired, but like my favorite Christian band the Akins say..it is a good tired. Let me update y'all. My sister went to her obgyn and found out she needed a LAP to see if she had endo or a fibroid in her uterus. Long story short...they had to act fast b/c first she does have pain and second she is changing jobs soon so her insurance would change. So she had surgery on Friday and I went to be there with her. She may be my big sister, but I wanted to help in anyway I could. Especially since I had a LAP before I wanted to calm her fears. Thank God that she only had some endo and a small fibroid. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you why I am saying Thank God to that...if it was a big fibroid the doctor was going to do a partial hysterectomy. So the doctor just had to zap it all and he was done. Also, my sister has two precious little girls so My parents and I took them with us so my sis could get some rest. Needless to say I didn't get much rest, but it was worth it all.

Basically, my days went like this....Friday: all day at hospital with sis, take neecy poos home to grandparents and spend the night with them in a full size bed..they are some kickers. Saturday: wake up with neecy poos and play all day...nap some with one neecy poo, then play some more...then bath time..then I went home. I had forgotten that Todd was having some guy friends over to watch the fight...so I just wanted to get home...get a shower and hit the bed. No such luck.....

Remember an earlier post about adoption and the Philippines. Well, things they are a changing. Our friend that has a niece in the Philippines is ready to do adoption. I know this all sounds shady, but this is a different niece than before. She has a nine month old girl already and is 7 months pg. Her husband left them and she is very young and poor. She wants her baby to have a good future and is willing to give her baby up to give it to him or her. Yeah we don't even know the sex b/c they can't get ultrasounds there. Don't be alarmed...Todd and I are talking to a lawyer on tuesday and we will make sure this is legit and we are not falling for anything. So far my heart tells me things are good, but my head is being more cautious. Lastnight I was able to video chat with her. I got to see her belly and her nine month old...we were both a bit speechless. But we finally asked questions and she said she thought todd and I were a cute couple. If you have been able to follow along to all of my craziness then thank you!!!

Todd and I feel as if this has fallen into our laps. We have not talked to any agencies and have only really requested info from Bethany Christian. We still have a third embryo frozen....so we are putting this all in GOD'S hands. If it is smooth sailing and legit we will go forward. Then we will know this is GOD's plan for us to have this baby. So as you can see I am a bit overwhelmed. I want to be excited, but cautious. The biggest excitement is seeing God's plan for us unfold. Seeing how He works is amazing. And I know even if this doesn't work out there will be a lesson in it for us. Maybe even if I just get to witness to this woman! I will keep y'all posted on everything!!!!!

I hope any of that made sense :D

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Someone else is also listening when you pray!!

Things have been a whirlwind around here lately!! I have been trying to plan to meet up with one of my bestest friends...and helping another bestest friend with VBS. All the while my house is still a wreck from all the sanding and painting that was done. So I still need to dust EVERYTHING and mop the hardwoods probably like 3 times. Then lastnight we got the worst news. Todd's Meemaw passed away. She is very dear to my heart b/c I lost my grandparents when I was really young so I decided she was my grandmother too :D She had Alzheimer's and wasn't doing well at all, so we were trying to prepare ourselves for her passing. I just wasn't ready! I guess we never are ready to let go of the ones we love!! I am happy to know that she is in heaven right now and has all of her memories and doesn't have to struggle to remember! She is with her husband and looking down at us smiling! I am happy to know that she is healthy and happy and with God!!! Todd is doing okay...since we had prepared ourselves, but we both wished we had went to see her just one more time! So please keep Todd's family in your prayers. His meemaw had two daughters..todd's mom and aunt. Please pray extra hard for them! I cannot even imagine..nor do I want to imagine...having to bury your mom. I would have to be sedated if I ever lost my momma!

In the midst of all of this chaos and sadness we had something fall into our laps. And the title of my post will explain itself shortly. My father in law has an employee that has several nieces in the Philippines that are pregnant and she said one of them already has several children and couldn't afford another child. She said that her niece wanted to find someone to adopt her unborn baby. Well, Todd and I were ready to jump right on that. I even bugged Rebekah...from Heart cries..to ask about what the heck I should even do. Well...long story short...it was more so the parents wanting her to give her baby up for adoption and not her. When we got this news to begin with I asked God to nip it in the bud if this wasn't legit. And He did. However, the greatest lesson I learned from my father....which I am sure was sent down from OUR FATHER..was that when we pray remember someone else is listening. When my dad told me that I was like...who?? And he said the devil. And sometimes the devil works it against us to give us false hope and then hurt us. I have NEVER even thought of this...and now so much makes sense in my life!! But God prevailed and saved me like He always does and stopped all of this before it could break my heart. I just had to share that with y'all!!!

So to say the least..this week has already been crazy and it is only Tuesday :0 I have some other prayer requests too...Sarah did her transfer and is in Florida on vaca..pray for her to have peace. Her mind is worrying and I pray the Lord gives her peace so she can relax and enjoy her vacation. I am so inspired each day by what God does for us and how He reveals new things to us. I love to seek Him and I can't wait to see what happens next!! As you can tell I am starting to get my hope back. The Lord has been holding it for me and when I am ready He has been slowly giving it back to me!! I am so in love with God!!! He is all I need...He is all I want!!! Praise God!!!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Living Breathing Word Of GOD!!!

AF showed!! Whoopie. I knew I needed to call my nurse, but I dreaded it all day and then finally did it. I told her the truth about my diet and how I had not been so great at it and asked her if I could wait another month to get myself in check before we transfer the last embie! She said I had to wait anyway. Which she is totally confusing b/c when I first lost the baby she was all let me ask the doctor if you can wait a month before starting the next FET. They always keep me confused!!! That is why if the third one isn't a charm I am switching docs. I found out halfway through all of my IVF stuff that there was another doctor that is on some golden list my insurance company has and it covers IVF. Yeah....that info would have been very useful a while ago, but what is done is done. So if Todd agrees with me I wanna go to this new doctor and just get a second opinion. Plus if we do decide to do IVF again....our insurance will cover it.

Before AF showed I was feeling pretty sick and down..I even threw up once. I am guessing that was my hormones changing. I tried not to get my hopes up for anything more. So after I got off the phone with my nurse I cried. But I did what Mrs. Arlene said to do...I grabbed the living word of GOD and I started flipping!!! I read and read and flipped and flipped and the Lord reminded me that He is Lord and if he can free everyone from slavery oh so long ago..why can't he help little ole me :D I even found a few verses of songs I sing regularly and I just started singing them in my mind. Then I grabbed the Bible close and napped for a minute. I didn't push God away even though that was in my nature to push everyone away...I just prayed for Him to help me. I cried out to Him!! So thank you to everyone who has reminded me to stay close to the Lord!!!

I am keeping myself busy this wkend. It helps with the pain. I am hoping to get my book soon..the pcos for dummies one. I am so excited about it, b/c I just ate bkfast PCOS style and I am still starving!!!!! Love to all!! And as my parents always say "Have a Great God's Day!!"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Honest Scrap

Thanks Michelle for giving me this honest scrap award. I sometimes wonder if I am too honest sometimes..hehe But I love that I can get on here and be honest with all of my sisters!!!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
**************************************************************
Honestly...

1. Since my miscarriage I have atleast one breakdown a day.

2. I just ordered Managing PCOS for dummies b/c I am so frustrated with myself!!

3. I HAVE to sleep with my socks on.

4. My dog Maggie is so my first born child :D

5. I love sci-fi. Like supernatural, smallville, transformers...etc LOVE IT ALL!!

6. I sometimes stutter, but not like a normal stutter...my brain does it and I can't get my words out...does that even make sense??

7. I can't run...never could...never will. I was not born to run...just walk!! So that is why I love my eliptical.

8. One of my biggest fears is that I would lose one of my parents before I have kids.

9. I love brit. spears' songs...they are great workout and cleaning house songs!!

10. Even though I complain about being pigmentally challenged..or PALE!!! I actually like it b/c it is me :D

11. Let me break the rules..and add one more. I am lazy when it comes to posting links so I am skipping that part. I consider all of my sisters...YES YOU...the most honest and loving women I have ever met...or known!! Love you all!! If you wanna do this...feel free!