Monday, June 29, 2009

My decision

Thanks so much for the advice. This is what I sent her :Hey Jess! I am so sorry to say that I don't think I can handle a visit right now. I feel so horrible, but I haven't healed enough and I don't know if I can handle much right now. I have been trying to figure out if I could and after our vacation this past week I realized I can't. We were on this awesome vacation and all around us was beautiful families and pregnant women and right there by the pool I lost it and started crying. Its not like I am mad at you or jealous or anything like that. It has just been so hard to even breathe lately! Life has lost its color and I am struggling so hard! I am so happy for you and I wish with all my heart that I could share this with you! Share you being pregnant...not us being pg together. I want to be able to show you how much I rejoice in your pregnancy, but I just can't right now. I am so sorry!! I hope you understand and forgive me! Love you!!! Dana

I really hope she understands and I do feel horrible but a bit relieved. I am so sick of feeling pain!! I know it is a part of life, but I need a break from it for a while.

9 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I am sure she will understand. Beautifully put! Love you! Praying for you!

Laura said...

I think that was beautifully written, and painfully honest.

I know what you mean about a colorless world. I know everyone is different, but after my losses, my world did eventually start to gain some color again. I think of them as my "turning points". It's okay to hurt, but do I encorauge you to look for the bits of color around you when you feel ready.

Take care!

shauna said...

Dana,
I think you did the right thing, and you were as honest and open about the situation as you could be. This is the time to think about yourself and your emotional state. One of the best things I read when going through a hard time ttc is that it's o.k. to skip the baby showers. It's o.k. to not want to go out all the time with the friends who have kids. You don't want to isolate yourself, but you have to consider your emotional well being. Once I realized that I don't have a problem with my friends pregnancy, I just cannot handle being reminded of what I'm struggling with every day life got alot easier. There are days when baby showers are o.k., when you can talk all about a friends pregnancy, and others when you cannot even think about it without tears. I know this. You need to focus on yourself, and everything else will fall into place. I'm still praying for you.
Luv ya,
Shauna

momof5girls said...

Dana,
For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision. Your friend may or may not understand at first. It is not that she doesn't love you, but those of us who have not had the struggle others have are truly ignorant of the pain. We sometimes think we can comfort by sharing what we have. I have found out quite the contrary by going through this with Shauna. It's like a shocking revelation when you realize what that longing pain does and being a little older now I realize that I've gone through similar times when something serious and near to my heart is with me constantly, day and night. It's that kind of thing that you just can't get away from even when others don't see inside your head. I am praying for you Dana-girl! As I've said before please pray everytime you have that heaviness of pain and sadness and constantly ask the Lord for His help. Remember Hannah in the Bible, she was even accused of being drunk because of her fervent prayer, but God finally blessed her. I'm sure, I don't know when or how, but God will bless you too. He tells us to ask for His will and we know he created us to reproduce and he put that desire in a woman's heart. Don't ever give up asking. Love ya! Arlene

Michelle said...

I'm hugging you right now! I'm so proud of you, you needed to do this for yourself. I know that was hard, but it was the best thing for you!!! Hang in there!! Love ya!
~Michelle

Nichole said...

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. This struggle is so difficult yet often times we feel the need to show up to baby showers, congratulate others and put our feelings aside. It takes a very strong person to put themselves first and really take care of themselves, and I applaud you for doing so.
I hope she understands and that you have peace with your decision - after everything you have been through, you deserve some!

Big hugs!

Michelle said...

I think the note is great! I hope she understands and responds with love and understanding.

Becca said...

I think you did the right thing, Dana. There are times when we need to self-protect, not out of selfishness, but in order to cope and heal. If your friend is anything like you, she will understand and respond with compassion! :)

Michelle said...

Check out my blog when you get a minute. Something is waiting for you!! :) Hope you're doing okay!
~Michelle