Monday, June 8, 2009

a colorless world!

I want to post something so badly and get all of these emotions out, but the words just won't come. I am glad to have this month "off" and excited about going on vacation soon. We leave on the 19th and I am trying to get ready to put on a bathing suit. We went shopping yesterday and I finally found one that I didn't hate on myself. I am so pale and there is no bathing suit that helps that :D I have used self tanners in the past and may try that jergens gradual tanner. I think that is the name of it. Any suggestions?? We have this lady that does the mystic spray tan, but her set up is kinda redneck and I don't think I wanna go back :D She had these tarps set up in her backyard and even though the only thing that could see me would have only been wildlife..I was still embarrassed!

I have also started walking Maggie around the neighborhood. We have only done it twice, so time will only tell if we keep it up. It is a mile and I figure it is better than nothing, right? Plus I am so out of shape that I am done when we get back to the house. And poor Maggie is tuckered out too. She drinks tons of water when we get back, then burps, and takes a nap. I know it is not lady like for her to burp so much, but she does it in such a cute little way that I just love it!! Right now she is sleeping beside me and I love having her. She is my baby!

Our house is almost completely painted and I will be so glad to have my house back to myself. I have felt like a prisoner lately b/c I have had to stay here with the painter and it is so annoying!!! Plus Maggie keeps barking at him.

Okay now that I have warmed myself up to blogging again maybe I can find the words to express how I am. Time is tough lately. It is so long. And I hate to even say that b/c I don't want to wish my life away or anything like that. When I do get sad (which comes and goes) it seems like time is moving backwards. When I am not sad..I am really not fully myself. I feel like I am going through the motions and I still feel like I will wake up and this will all have been a bad dream. Todd is doing good. We are both struggling with how when you get older things aren't as fun as they used to be. I know he is sad but just dealing with it differently. I am sure you could say we have some depression going on right now. My body has been confusing me lately, but I guess that is nothing unusual. I had AF come and it was heavy for about two days..then it went away and now I have been spotting off and on. It is still bright red and sometimes I have really bad cramps, but nothing comes of it. I called my nurse again today to try and set up a consultation appt. with my dr. and I left her a message asking if they should do an ultrasound to make sure nature is taking its course properly. She hasn't called back yet!!

I have so many questions for my doctor. The last time I talked to my nurse she said my progesterone was 12 on the day they took my blood...when we did the ultrasound. I am not sure if that is low or not..considering the meds I was taking. So I want to ask him if he thinks that could've hindered the baby from growing. Then there is my question about my diet..and PCOS. I am sure he will say that he does not have an answer to my big WHY questions, but it is worth a try.

I just feel blah! It is as if I have no taste or feeling in my fingers and I am experiencing the world without color. Being pregnant and knowing I would be a mother made the world better! Now it just doesn't even compare. So that is how I am...sorry this is so long. I guess I found the words...a lot of words :D I will let ya know what the doc says. Love y'all!!

15 comments:

Amy said...

Hey Dana...Just checking in. I understand completely. Email me!

momof5girls said...

Dana, I'm just glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you and praying alot for you. I know it's got to be hard to get your bearings again from friends here who have been through the same. Just don't be concerned about what your blogs are like right now, just blog. Don't let it bottle up. I looked up the progesterone level. Here is the site: http://www.amazingpregnancy.com/pregnancy-articles/25.html
Make sure you write down all your questions when they come to you so you won't forget. Again, this one is just for you so you don't have to post it. I hope to encourage you and not be a hindrance. I'm praying for you. God bless.

Angelwingsbaby said...

I just wanted to let you know I here for you. I have had 2 mc's myself and they can be devastating.And with this pg I had a threatened mc but has now been diagnosed as a SC hematoma.They have been known to cause mc's, so I still sit here scared everday that something bad will happen.

Amber said...

Praying for you and hope the nurse calls back soon:)

thebigif said...

Dana, I've been thinking about you and Todd and saying daily prayers for you. Hope color finds its way back into your world very soon. *HUGS*

Hope said...

I am so sorry for what you are feeling Dana. I often feel the same way, and I haven't even been through a loss. You are not alone. I think sometimes it is harder to not really be yourself when having to cover your sadness than to just feel sad. Hang in there! I am so glad that you are getting away for a bit and recharging.

A said...

I've been reading for quite some time, but I've never commented yet. I have been praying for you since you lost your baby! I can't even imagine what that's like- but I think you are allowed to take some time to get back into blogging!! I hope your vacation is just what you need to refresh and relax.

Ashley said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers!!

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Hey girl. I am glad to see that you posted again. I have been praying for you. I know I could never find the words to say and comfort you. Did you get my email? If you did, I hope it helped in some simple way! Thinking of you! Lots of love and hugs!!!!!

shauna said...

Dana,
I am so sorry that y'all have to go through this. Losing a child is not something that you ever get over, I think. Definitely keep on bugging the doctor and find out what's going on with your bleeding though. I pray for you every time you come to mind. Love ya.
-me

Michelle said...

How you feel is completely understandable. Going through this is so hard. i am so sorry that you do. It really sucks and there isn't much to do except to go through it and that sucks even more.

Make sure you write down all your questions especially with all you are going through. The things that seem like obvious questions that you would never forget...you will. I have learned that lesson several times.

They might not have an answer for you right now but maybe there is some testing they can do to try to find the answer. Especially if you have PCOS that is usually the answer right there...unfortunately, I know this all too well.

I am praying for you and I really hope you find the answers and the peace that you seek. Many hugs and good thoughts I am sending your way!

Dana said...

Thank yall so much..and to my second momma :D you are never a hinderance!! Always a blessing to me!! Love to you all!!

Birdee said...

I'm glad your writing, I hope you find healing in it.
As always, I'm thinking about you and your in my prayers. ((hugs))

Becca said...

Dana, I am so glad to hear from you! I've really missed you and have been praying for you and Todd. You must be experiencing so many different emotions right now - it's no wonder you're having trouble sorting them all out! The "why" question is such a hard one to wrestle with, too. I hope you're able to meet with the doctor soon and I hope that bit by bit, color and joy will begin returning to your life. Thank you for sharing with us how you are feeling so that we can all pray for you more specifically. Hugs!!

Michelle said...

I know there are no words I can say to eliminate the pain, confusion, hurt, anger you are dealing with. But please know that we are all out here rooting for you and praying our heart out for you. I don't understand why God does these things, gives us a taste and then takes it away, but I do know there is a plan for you. He will get you through this, trust in him. I will keep praying for you and Todd!!!
~Michelle