Friday, June 12, 2009

ANGER!!!

Yep...I am an angry infertile woman...watch out!! I am so angry at everything in life right now especially myself. I was trying to do my PCOS diet and of course I slipped up yesterday and today. I am so angry at myself...at my stupid body!!!! My eating habits are the hardest thing in the world for me to control. If you ask anyone that knows me I have bkfast lunch and dinner planned out the night before. I am always anticipating the next yummy meal. I don't gorge myself on food, but I eat what I want when I want it. And thanks to metformin I didn't gain tons of weight like I had in the past. It was all the infertility crap that made me gain so much weight. It was like I was frozen...I was scared to work out..just in case I was pg..yeah right. And food became my comfort. Well now that I am back to my size before infertility I have been more active and don't eat as big of portions. But my doctor kinda said that my eating habits could potentially hurt the baby. When my insulin levels get way too high.

Okay let me rewind...sorry I am fuming right now..so I will try to calm down. My doctor finally called me and he was only about an hour late on calling me. He was suppose to call between 9:30 and 10..and called around 11. So I wanted to go for a walk around the neigborhood with some friends and wasn't gonna wait on him any longer. So I grabbed what I thought was my paper with questions and headed next door for our walk. Of course he called as soon as I hit the door so I excused myself to the bathroom to talk and pulled out my paper. It was my TO DO list or as I call it my TA DA list. It was just my luck!! I tried to remember my questions and asked him one by one. Was my progesterone low?..no Could my diet and PCOS could've been involved in the miscarriage?...it can harm the baby in the end of pregnancy (DUH!!!) in a round about way said yes if the insulin levels get high enough it could. With it being such an early miscarriage did that tell him anything?...bad egg

That made me motivated to fix my diet, but it is so hard. I know I sound like such a baby, but I am so challenged when it comes to this. I feel frozen on what to eat..what to choose..what to buy to cook. I am an all or nothing kinda person and so that makes it harder to decide on what to eat. When I think of the things I can eat it makes me nauseous and then I don't want to eat..which leaves me starving and then caving into something I am not suppose to eat.

I broke down a little while ago and used some rather bad language too. I feel really bad about that. As soon as it came out of my mouth it was as if I had just eaten something sour. Then I started crying and said I am suppose to be pg right now. I am about to go to my nieces birthday party and be surrounded by tons of mothers and their children..and here I am same as last year...same as the year before!! This sucks!! And I am so angry!!!!!!! So right now I have a frozen pizza cooking in the oven for lunch and I plan to dip it in ranch dressing. Then totally beat myself up for it later on. I would rather have to give myself ten shots a day in my behind..then have to change my diet. I would rather shave my head. GRRRR...that is me being mad. I just want to scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thank y'all for letting me vent. I truely needed it as you can see. Atleast I can't help but smile when I think of all of you :D So thanks for that too!!

13 comments:

Jill said...

I have a REALLY hard time with the diet thing, too. As soon as I hear a list of good foods, they all sound so gross to me! And then I run out and eat crap, and then I feel bad. Eating well is very intimidating.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. :( ((Hugs))

Laura said...

Hi--I'm totally with you on the PCOS diet. I too feel the same frustrations--for me, I find it hard to give up my carbs. I don't know if it helps, but my doctor did give me some recommendations and restrictions that I would be happy to share (but I don't want to overstep any boundaries without your permission). Please know that there are others out there who feel for (and with) you!

wannabemommy said...

eating habits seem to always be the hardest to change! its something youve got to do on your own all your life without people poking and pulling and choosing and pushing on things for you to eat or not to eat, its been kind of a break away.. and now there is someone wanting control over your food too!.. im so sorry! its so hard to read your posts because i come to your page thinking of finding more stuff about about your little bit.. and then i remember what happened.. and it breaks my heart for you!

Birdee said...

This may not make sense, and ignore me if it does or if it comes off offensive.
But when first TTC, usually we women start off with the first step, then move on to the next, and the next . We dont dive into IVF right off the bat, we wouldnt know where to begin and would feel frozen. (a little extreme example and probably bad example) but my point is, make small changes. Set small goals. Get used to one goal being a part of who you are, then set a new one. (sorry if I'm out of line, I know your not looking for answers, and just needing to vent, I just care, so again, ignore me if this is offensive).
And remember (if it's your spiritual belief) love can not exist with fear (hate is an emotion of fear) so dont hate your self, or beat your self up for eating the wrong thing.
Maybe eat one perfect meal a day to start. Or like I did, I just started using 1/2 the mayo I used to use on my sandwiches, it was something I could comprehend and live with w/o getting overwhelmed.
Love yourself. Love heals.
K-I'm done being on my soap box.

Good Vent! Good Good Vent! Keep Venting (as needed) ;) (((hugs)))

Amber said...

I say go eat the pizza and enjoy it:) Im so sorry for everything but I know God will give you a miracle in his timing and his timing is sometimes so hard to wait for.

Rosemary said...

Hi Dana
Big hugs.... Be gentle with yourself as you are going through so much.
Sometimes we just have to vent, and I'm happy to listen of offer support.
God Bless
Rosemary
xxxx

Ashley said...

I'm sorry honey! Hang in there!! ((HUGS))

Miss Mac said...

Venting & being angry is very much allowed & understood here! A diet change is not easy. Don't beat yourself up when you give in to something on the "no" list- your emotional health is important too! Sorry Dana... yes, IF sucks!

shauna said...

I can imagine all the questions you have right now. It stinks when no one can answer them for you too. On the diet issue, I think that knowing you can't have something makes you want it even more. I have no "great" advice about that as I know I'd feel the same as you. I will be praying for you though.
Luv ya.
Shauna

Dana said...

Please always know that I love any advice yall wanna give me!! I know that it all comes from the most beautiful hearts!! I realize now that I am a bit overwhelmed and don't know where to start....so small steps first! Plus this evening at my nieces bday party a friend told me something that really helped me with my anger. I will post on that soon. Love you all!!

Laura said...

Hi--Rather than simply sharing the diet "guidelines" that my doctor provided with just you, I figured I'd put them out there for others as well. So they are now posted on my blog. I should mention that they aren't specific to PCOS, but more general for anyone struggling with IF (or even blessed with "F", for that matter). Again, just "guidelines". But I hope that you can find something that helps!

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Love you sister! I get angry and have my "holy fits" quite a bit. Dieting is sure hard- I am terrible at it!!! Praying for you and that we can both find peace soon!

Becca said...

Hi Dana! I'm sorry for the frustration with the diet thing - I am TERRIBLE at getting my bad eating habits under control, but I liked the advice another commenter had on "baby steps". It's practically impossible to tackle any behavior change "cold turkey", especially when you're going through the grieving process. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? :) You're leaving for vacation later this week, right? I hope it is a wonderful, restful, rejuvenating time for both you and Todd. Hugs!!