Monday, June 29, 2009

My decision

Thanks so much for the advice. This is what I sent her :Hey Jess! I am so sorry to say that I don't think I can handle a visit right now. I feel so horrible, but I haven't healed enough and I don't know if I can handle much right now. I have been trying to figure out if I could and after our vacation this past week I realized I can't. We were on this awesome vacation and all around us was beautiful families and pregnant women and right there by the pool I lost it and started crying. Its not like I am mad at you or jealous or anything like that. It has just been so hard to even breathe lately! Life has lost its color and I am struggling so hard! I am so happy for you and I wish with all my heart that I could share this with you! Share you being pregnant...not us being pg together. I want to be able to show you how much I rejoice in your pregnancy, but I just can't right now. I am so sorry!! I hope you understand and forgive me! Love you!!! Dana

I really hope she understands and I do feel horrible but a bit relieved. I am so sick of feeling pain!! I know it is a part of life, but I need a break from it for a while.

help

Okay Ladies I need your help once again! I have a friend that is coming down this way soon and she will spend one night with me and then she needs me to take her to the airport to get back home. My dilemma is that she is quite pregnant right now. And I am not sure if I can handle it. I know that sounds so selfish. Some days I think I would do fine, but others....like today tells me that I wouldn't make it two seconds without crying my eyes out. I feel like I have done so much in the past to put myself last...and go to those baby showers or listen to ppl tell me how having kids was so hard. Even when they knew my situation. I have always been the bigger person and put my issues aside and tried to be empathetic to them. So that is why I am leaning to telling her that I can't take her. Which makes me feel so bad!!! Today hasn't helped b/c I don't really feel well. Last night I woke up three times with tons of saliva in my mouth..so I got up and tried to throw up..but no such luck. I still feel pretty bad today, but I think it is more the blues then any kind of bug. So if I tell her no will I be a horrible person??? She needs to know soon b/c she would be coming this sunday!!!
I am finally getting to read all the updates!!! And I am so excited for Sarah...her transfer is coming up soon and I know this is her time!!! I would attach the address but my stomach is hurting pretty bad so I am signing off. Love yall

Friday, June 26, 2009

Back to Life, Back to Reality!

We are back from the beach and we had a blast. We soaked in the rays and the beach atmosphere! Here are just a few pics!
My sweetness!

Me on the balcony! We loved watching the ocean it was so relaxing!

Cheeseburger in Paradise!

Fun at Magaritaville

Painting Pottery! Todd's turned out awesome!

I was going for the more child like look :D


We rented scooters and also went deep sea fishing. Todd and his dad got sick on the fishing trip, but I didn't. That made me feel so cool :D But a 10 hour fishing trip was not my cup of tea. It was fun the first few hours then I was ready to be done!! We were able to meet up with my sister and her family for a day and then we met up with todd's family for the rest of the trip. I think I might have actually gotten some sun, which is rare for me. I am pigmentally challenged!

I was doing great and then I had a bad day. We were at this gorgeous place and all of these gorgeous families were playing in the pool and on the beach. I was watching tons of kids and babies looking so cute and having so much fun and I lost it!! I started crying at the pool...first I told Todd that I should be 10 weeks right now and I was sad. He held my hand and said what can I do to help...we can do anything you want. He was so sweet. I said I just wanted to chill by the pool for a while. Then todd's mom and sister came by and I told them too. I had been kind of quiet that morning and didn't want them to think I was in a bad mood and being mean. They totally understood and I lost it again and cried on Todd's sister's shoulder. Then we went to the room and I had a good cry!!

After the cry I decided to stop those thoughts and just enjoy the rest of vaca! We got home and I am glad to be able to get back on here and let this all out!! It was starting to build up! I am still not sure if I am going to do the FET when AF shows or not. I am not sure if I am ready yet. I do want to get an ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay. I am scared! I am scared of what it will mean if it doesn't work or it does and we loss another baby. It is weird b/c I don't want to give up, but I am scared to death to keep trying. Scared of the pain again. Other than all that I now have a mountain of laundry to do from the trip and am worried about Todd. He seems a bit down right now. I am sure this is just how he is coping, but I hate seeing him sad. I feel so helpless. Please pray for him! I really appreciate it!! I can't wait to catch up on all that I have missed with y'all!!! Love to my sisters!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bout to go to the beach :D

Hey y'all!! I am sitting here watching CMT videos and loving it. I love being southern and listening to some good old country music. Yesterday was nuts b/c Todd and I were trying to get everything ready for the beach. We had to find a beach umbrella and beach chairs and of course we found them at his work...hehe After we searched everywhere. Wal-.ma.rt didn't have them..shocking I know. The employee I asked said they didn't get any in this year...oh well. So FYI don't ck there if you are looking for beach gear :D And today I am washing a mountain of clothes for the trip. Then I am headed off to tarjah to return somethings. I know my life is so exciting right now HEHE!!!

I have been up and I have been down..emotionally lately. I have my oh so sad days and then I have days when I am okay. I found that I was pulling away from Todd and so I sat down with him and we had a talk. The counselor in me jumped right out and I started anyalyzing and got my wheels turning. So we are on the same page now...and I told him I was sorry for distancing myself. I guess we take it out on the ones we love the most. It is hard to think about where I would be if.... I would be 10 weeks pg this sunday and at the beach. I have to almost push those thoughts out as soon as they come or I lose it. I had a friend tell me that sometimes when ppl go through hard times they either become bitter or better. She is suppose to email me the bible verse that goes with that. I have really been thinking about that and it has been weighing on my heart. I don't want to be bitter I want to be better!! So that is my goal for now. Going at it one step at a time.

I can't wait to post some pics of the beach. We are going to be so busy b/c my sis and her fam are coming down and todd's family too. We have one or two days where it will be just us...I am looking forward to those days!! Us under our umbrella on the beach just being!! Of course I will have SPF 1000 on :D Me and my pigmentally challenged self!!!


Well I will see y'all when I get back!! Love to all my sisters!!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

ANGER!!!

Yep...I am an angry infertile woman...watch out!! I am so angry at everything in life right now especially myself. I was trying to do my PCOS diet and of course I slipped up yesterday and today. I am so angry at myself...at my stupid body!!!! My eating habits are the hardest thing in the world for me to control. If you ask anyone that knows me I have bkfast lunch and dinner planned out the night before. I am always anticipating the next yummy meal. I don't gorge myself on food, but I eat what I want when I want it. And thanks to metformin I didn't gain tons of weight like I had in the past. It was all the infertility crap that made me gain so much weight. It was like I was frozen...I was scared to work out..just in case I was pg..yeah right. And food became my comfort. Well now that I am back to my size before infertility I have been more active and don't eat as big of portions. But my doctor kinda said that my eating habits could potentially hurt the baby. When my insulin levels get way too high.

Okay let me rewind...sorry I am fuming right now..so I will try to calm down. My doctor finally called me and he was only about an hour late on calling me. He was suppose to call between 9:30 and 10..and called around 11. So I wanted to go for a walk around the neigborhood with some friends and wasn't gonna wait on him any longer. So I grabbed what I thought was my paper with questions and headed next door for our walk. Of course he called as soon as I hit the door so I excused myself to the bathroom to talk and pulled out my paper. It was my TO DO list or as I call it my TA DA list. It was just my luck!! I tried to remember my questions and asked him one by one. Was my progesterone low?..no Could my diet and PCOS could've been involved in the miscarriage?...it can harm the baby in the end of pregnancy (DUH!!!) in a round about way said yes if the insulin levels get high enough it could. With it being such an early miscarriage did that tell him anything?...bad egg

That made me motivated to fix my diet, but it is so hard. I know I sound like such a baby, but I am so challenged when it comes to this. I feel frozen on what to eat..what to choose..what to buy to cook. I am an all or nothing kinda person and so that makes it harder to decide on what to eat. When I think of the things I can eat it makes me nauseous and then I don't want to eat..which leaves me starving and then caving into something I am not suppose to eat.

I broke down a little while ago and used some rather bad language too. I feel really bad about that. As soon as it came out of my mouth it was as if I had just eaten something sour. Then I started crying and said I am suppose to be pg right now. I am about to go to my nieces birthday party and be surrounded by tons of mothers and their children..and here I am same as last year...same as the year before!! This sucks!! And I am so angry!!!!!!! So right now I have a frozen pizza cooking in the oven for lunch and I plan to dip it in ranch dressing. Then totally beat myself up for it later on. I would rather have to give myself ten shots a day in my behind..then have to change my diet. I would rather shave my head. GRRRR...that is me being mad. I just want to scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thank y'all for letting me vent. I truely needed it as you can see. Atleast I can't help but smile when I think of all of you :D So thanks for that too!!

Monday, June 8, 2009

a colorless world!

I want to post something so badly and get all of these emotions out, but the words just won't come. I am glad to have this month "off" and excited about going on vacation soon. We leave on the 19th and I am trying to get ready to put on a bathing suit. We went shopping yesterday and I finally found one that I didn't hate on myself. I am so pale and there is no bathing suit that helps that :D I have used self tanners in the past and may try that jergens gradual tanner. I think that is the name of it. Any suggestions?? We have this lady that does the mystic spray tan, but her set up is kinda redneck and I don't think I wanna go back :D She had these tarps set up in her backyard and even though the only thing that could see me would have only been wildlife..I was still embarrassed!

I have also started walking Maggie around the neighborhood. We have only done it twice, so time will only tell if we keep it up. It is a mile and I figure it is better than nothing, right? Plus I am so out of shape that I am done when we get back to the house. And poor Maggie is tuckered out too. She drinks tons of water when we get back, then burps, and takes a nap. I know it is not lady like for her to burp so much, but she does it in such a cute little way that I just love it!! Right now she is sleeping beside me and I love having her. She is my baby!

Our house is almost completely painted and I will be so glad to have my house back to myself. I have felt like a prisoner lately b/c I have had to stay here with the painter and it is so annoying!!! Plus Maggie keeps barking at him.

Okay now that I have warmed myself up to blogging again maybe I can find the words to express how I am. Time is tough lately. It is so long. And I hate to even say that b/c I don't want to wish my life away or anything like that. When I do get sad (which comes and goes) it seems like time is moving backwards. When I am not sad..I am really not fully myself. I feel like I am going through the motions and I still feel like I will wake up and this will all have been a bad dream. Todd is doing good. We are both struggling with how when you get older things aren't as fun as they used to be. I know he is sad but just dealing with it differently. I am sure you could say we have some depression going on right now. My body has been confusing me lately, but I guess that is nothing unusual. I had AF come and it was heavy for about two days..then it went away and now I have been spotting off and on. It is still bright red and sometimes I have really bad cramps, but nothing comes of it. I called my nurse again today to try and set up a consultation appt. with my dr. and I left her a message asking if they should do an ultrasound to make sure nature is taking its course properly. She hasn't called back yet!!

I have so many questions for my doctor. The last time I talked to my nurse she said my progesterone was 12 on the day they took my blood...when we did the ultrasound. I am not sure if that is low or not..considering the meds I was taking. So I want to ask him if he thinks that could've hindered the baby from growing. Then there is my question about my diet..and PCOS. I am sure he will say that he does not have an answer to my big WHY questions, but it is worth a try.

I just feel blah! It is as if I have no taste or feeling in my fingers and I am experiencing the world without color. Being pregnant and knowing I would be a mother made the world better! Now it just doesn't even compare. So that is how I am...sorry this is so long. I guess I found the words...a lot of words :D I will let ya know what the doc says. Love y'all!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sweet Mornings!!

I got the most beautiful arrangement of flowers the other day..then the next day I got another one!!! I just had to take pictures of them and show you how gorgeous they are...and they smell just as beautiful!!
Here is a close up of my sweet flowers!

I put them on my dresser in my bedroom so I could see them every morning when I wake up and my room smells so sweet :D

Thank you to Shauna and Becca. Y'all are so precious to me. I can't say enough how blessed I have been by all my sisters!! Love y'all!!!!

Yada



As you can see my house has been in shambles lately. We are having our house painted and it is crazy. These are pics of our living room and sunroom. They are joined into one big room and we have pushed all of furniture in the middle of the rooms. Then we covered them. I have been held up in my bedroom while the painter finishes up all that is left. Which yesterday drove me nuts!! So I just thought I would share :D

On the broken heart front..I am doing better today. Toby is off all day :D YAY!! And lastnight we went and saw term.inator sal.vation. It was awesome. I loved it!! Today my nurse is planning to call me and let me know what they want me to do next, but I already know what I want to do. I plan on taking this next month off and enjoying the break. Plus we go on vacation in the middle of June and I don't want to worry about meds while on vaca. I asked her (my nurse) what my progesterone levels were on last Friday when they were cking to see if my HCG was falling and she said it was 12. Is that normal?? Remember I was taking endometrin, estrace, and vivelle dot patches. Shouldn't it have been higher?? I plan on asking my doctor the same question. If y'all have any ideas of what else to ask my doctor please feel free to share. You know I will keep y'all updated. Love to all my sisters!!!