Friday, May 1, 2009

woman in waiting

I read y'alls comments and they were so sweet, but I hardly think of me as an example of anything. I am simply a woman that has been beaten down by infertility..but has also been saved by GOD. He has promised to take care of me. So I started down a path of thoughts and ended up with this. I was online searching for scripture related to IF...or IF christian support. And I came across a prayer for a woman in waiting. It said everything I felt..and it was then that I wanted to make sure I was being totally honest with God. He knows my deepest feelings and desires anyway. So I found myself wondering what should I pray..what would get me a child..how do I word it just right.

Then it hit me. Imagine a person drowning...someone comes to save them, but cannot because the drowning person is struggling. I am that drowning person. I am struggling..I find myself BEGGING God. Screaming through my heart to take this pain away. Please Lord, Please, I cannot take anymore. But all I need to do is stop struggling, stop fighting my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. He has me in His arms..He is holding me above the water, but I keep on pushing myself back in deeper.

Which brings me to how in the world do you let go and stop struggling. I mean if you are drowning..you will panic, right? Your instincts take over and you fight. I guess I can't try to talk God into giving me a child. He has a plan for me and plus He is not exactly not giving me a child. He didn't look down and say..yep..no child for Dana. I know he feels my pain and weeps when I weep. I am sure He wishes He could fix it all for me. I may never know why I have had to endure IF..I may never get exactly what I want! I struggle with this..I struggle to just let go. I am blessed with good days and bad days and with this FET coming up I can't help but find myself on my knees begging and sobbing for God to make this work this time. I find myself afraid. Afraid of future pain. It hurts so badly. As if I am on fire and cannot get it out. The pain is real..and I fear it.

Lord, please help me to stop fearing and to trust You. You are ALL I NEED...YOU ARE ALL I WANT!!! Help me to stop struggling in Your arms. I yearn for You Lord, I need You so much! Your perfect will is sufficient to me! I am on my knees please save me like in that video(post before this one). Take all of those demons away..all the fear..all the worry..all the pain. Please forgive me for my sins. I love you Lord with all my heart and soul! In Jesus precious name..Amen!

So how do we give up control and give it completely to God??
Please don't forget to watch the video in the post before this one..below..right there!!

4 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

That is the hardest thing to do. I struggle with that. Everytime I think I have given it over to Him, then bamm, I feel slapped in the face with it again. He knows we are trying. That is all we can do! Praying for this FET to be a success!

Nichole said...

I struggle in the same way. It is so hard to "Let go and let God" REALLY hard! It has been my experience that when I am closest to him is when I am tested the most. That just makes the closeness that much more special and comforting because I know and He knows how difficult of a journey it is.

I am praying for you!

Michelle said...

This is a beautiful post. Giving up control is something I have to work on myself. I often say I am giving up control to God but I always seem to try to take it right back. I have to learn to leave it with him. If you find the answers please let me know. ((HUGS))

Becca said...

Dana, praying for tomorrow - that everything will go smoothly, that you will feel peace and HOPE, and that this cycle will result in your miracle! Let us know how it goes. Love and hugs!