Sunday, May 10, 2009

ramblings...

Okay it is apparent that blogging is helping me TONS through the waiting process. Anytime I feel like I am about to lose it..I decide to do two things..pray..and blog!! As I read so many posts about Mother's day I was given peace that I am not the only person that dreads this day each year. It is so hard for my family and friends to understand..the ones that have children and had them so easily. Also, I realized there are other ppl out there that suffer on Mother's day. My mom told me that she felt the way I did..my mother's day post. She lost her mom when she was 22 years old and they were SUPER close. And my grandmother's death was out of the blue due to a clot. So she said that every mother's day she was sad b/c she missed her mom. Also, my mom was told she wouldn't be able to have kids. My dad and my mom tried for 5 years before my brother was born. She knew what it was like to be infertile in a fertile world. I can't even imagine back then..I mean things are better and more open now a days, but back then I am sure ppl made her feel like less of a woman. I knew all of this about my mom, but didn't put it all together. I can't imagine not having my momma on mother's day.

Todd and I went to my grandmother's grave today. My mom had put some roses on it for Mother's day. I wish I could've known her!!!! It is times like this when I realize that there are so many ppl in heaven cheering Todd and me on...and sending love our way.

Of course today was emotional. I decided last night around 10 p.m. to mention to Todd that I wasn't sure if I could do church. The bulletin they sent out said there was going to be some baby dedications along with the mother's day celebrations. So yeah...not such a great place for an infertile woman about to find out if she is pg to go. He totally understood and I love him so much for that. We had a great morning...just chilling. Then we went to my mom's and then to Todd's moms. We got them both the cutest capri pants and shirt. They both tried them on and modeled them for us. They were both TOO cute!!

It was at Todd's parents house that I started to get sad. I am thinking it is b/c I saw my nephews and the flowers my sis in law and mil got for mother's day. I found myself wanting to talk about being pg..or having a baby, but I couldn't. I just couldn't!!! I felt stupid for dreaming aloud. Then the bad taste kicked in and I was ready to go home. On the ride home Todd asked me how I was and I said scared. He knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling without me explaining anything. I was hoping that when I got to the end of this post I would feel better, but no such luck. I am still sad and moody.

I am not afraid of the beta on Thursday, I am mostly afraid of spotting that morning..like before. I know if that happens it will be over.

Symptom documenting:sore girls, bad taste in mouth followed by nausea, feeling tired, shooting pain in one of the girls, headaches, tinkling alot, and sad!! Who knows which ones are related to my meds or a possible pg.
Three more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 comments:

Amber said...

Hope this is it for you and next year you will get to celebrate a miracle from God!

Becca said...

I think that was a perfectly acceptable decision to miss church on Mother's Day - we did the same thing ourselves because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together during the baby dedications. The fertile world does not "get it", but thankfully God DOES understand our pain and it matters to Him. I pray you feel His love and provision this week while you wait for your beta!

Our clinic does betas pretty early - I have mine on Wednesday and Friday, but they won't tell me the results until after the Friday test (they're pretty strict about that). I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, but I know what it feels like NOT to be, and I have to say that's how I feel right now. No unusual symptoms whatsover, unless you count extreme irritability, but I think that's just due to anxiety. :) I will be glad when this week is over and we just know one way or the other.

Leigh said...

Dana, I feel exactly the same AND I'm pregnant with twins. Just wrote about it on my blog too!