Sunday, May 31, 2009

many thanks and an update

I could not begin to thank you all enough for all of your love and support and tons of prayers. All of your words have wrapped me up in a warm blanket and have helped hold me while I cry! I won't say it has been easy b/c it hasn't. I am in a nightmare right now and the pain is so hard. Everything reminds me of what could have been..and I just get so sad. I thought I had felt hopelessness before but now I truely know what it is. I feel the shadow trying to take over me, but I will not give in to it. My shadow would have me pull away from God and lose myself in my grief! But I won't let it win.

The biggest thing I struggle with is that most women that deal with miscarriage use the hope of another pregnancy to get them through it all, but being infertile kinda robs me of that. I don't have the best chances of even being pg again. Which does not help me at. I had my dream in the palm of my hands and now it is all gone.

Things seem to feel better when Todd is at home with me. Thankfully he gets off early today and is off all day tomorrow so I plan to just soak it all in and hopefully find a little peace. He knows what I am feeling and I can just be me with him. He just holds me when I cry it feels so good.

I have been struggling with feeling God lately. At first I thought he was just distant, but then I realized I was probably the one that pulled away and being the gentlemen that He is...He has honored my requests. I am not even sure how to fix all of this. My head is so out of whack and my heart is so broken that I don't even have the words.

I have been trying to focus on the next FET. I am not sure when we will do it, but I am trying my best to feel like I have done all I can to help ensure another pregnancy. Since I have PCOS, I have finally decided to do my diet right. Maybe that is what caused my miscarriage...who knows. Neways I know that having PCOS increases the chances of miscarriage. I just thought that since we had been through so much that it wouldn't hapen to me. I have even been looking at adoption a little bit. It just helps to be doing something....anything to become a momma one day. It is too hard to just sit here..b/c time is going by so SLOW!! This wkend seemed liked FOREVER!! Okay now that I have rambled and I am sure I sound crazy I better stop typing! Love y'all!!

9 comments:

Amy said...

Dana...I am thinking about you. It is hard to work all this out in our heads. Email again if you need to. Amy

Ashley said...

Dana, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Try not to give up on God's plan...even though it is hard right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! ((HUGS))

"Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we coudl ever dare to ask or even dream of" Epesians 3:20

Becca said...

Dana, my heart aches for you. Continue to lean on your husband and on your bloggy friends who care about you so much! Praying that you will feel God's arms around you today. He grieves and weeps with you. ((hugs))

Amber said...

Prayers for both of yall so sorry you have to go through this

Birdee said...

((((hugs))))

momof5girls said...

Dana,
I can't even begin to tell you how often I think of you and hold you in my prayers. I think you ladies who blog through these tough times are so wise. Sometimes to express your pain in words helps release some of it. I know it can never all be put away and still live, but it is a way to vent. Just remember that God does love you and cares and wants to hear from you. When others don't understand, he does. I just can't stress to you and Todd enough how important it is to stay close to Him. I know it's hard on your hubby because he is used to being the big protector and provider and this one thing he would gladly give you and it is out of his hands. That's a hard place for a man to be. I love you both in the Lord and am praying with all my might that God will answer all our prayers. God bless you both!!!

Hope said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.

beth ewing said...

i came over from ashley's blog and just had to comment. i was there last november. i do have one miracle son and have not been trying as long as you (just passed the 2 year mark a few months ago) but i know the pain of thinking it's all over and you're pregnant only to lose the baby. i was 9 weeks so i had over 5 weeks to get used to the idea of being pregnant. like you i had apologized to God for being so angry and not trusting and then just like that the rug was pulled out from underneath me. today i'm just going to say that this sucks and i'll pray for you. but if you ever want someone to talk to (that definitely doesnt' have it all figured out), i'd be willing to be there for you.

Rosemary said...

Hi Dana
I have been thinking of you so often, and cannot imagine the emotional pain that you are feeling.
You are truly a beautiful person that comes through so much in your blog.
I pray that your dreams will come true.
God bless you and Todd.
Rosemary
xxx