Sunday, May 31, 2009

many thanks and an update

I could not begin to thank you all enough for all of your love and support and tons of prayers. All of your words have wrapped me up in a warm blanket and have helped hold me while I cry! I won't say it has been easy b/c it hasn't. I am in a nightmare right now and the pain is so hard. Everything reminds me of what could have been..and I just get so sad. I thought I had felt hopelessness before but now I truely know what it is. I feel the shadow trying to take over me, but I will not give in to it. My shadow would have me pull away from God and lose myself in my grief! But I won't let it win.

The biggest thing I struggle with is that most women that deal with miscarriage use the hope of another pregnancy to get them through it all, but being infertile kinda robs me of that. I don't have the best chances of even being pg again. Which does not help me at. I had my dream in the palm of my hands and now it is all gone.

Things seem to feel better when Todd is at home with me. Thankfully he gets off early today and is off all day tomorrow so I plan to just soak it all in and hopefully find a little peace. He knows what I am feeling and I can just be me with him. He just holds me when I cry it feels so good.

I have been struggling with feeling God lately. At first I thought he was just distant, but then I realized I was probably the one that pulled away and being the gentlemen that He is...He has honored my requests. I am not even sure how to fix all of this. My head is so out of whack and my heart is so broken that I don't even have the words.

I have been trying to focus on the next FET. I am not sure when we will do it, but I am trying my best to feel like I have done all I can to help ensure another pregnancy. Since I have PCOS, I have finally decided to do my diet right. Maybe that is what caused my miscarriage...who knows. Neways I know that having PCOS increases the chances of miscarriage. I just thought that since we had been through so much that it wouldn't hapen to me. I have even been looking at adoption a little bit. It just helps to be doing something....anything to become a momma one day. It is too hard to just sit here..b/c time is going by so SLOW!! This wkend seemed liked FOREVER!! Okay now that I have rambled and I am sure I sound crazy I better stop typing! Love y'all!!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Bad News!

I have really bad news. Our littlebit stopped growing and we have lost him or her. Today was the hardest day of my life. When the doctor could hardly find the baby then said that it was not growing I thought I was in a nightmare. Well, I was in my nightmare. The world just started to crumble around me and I did not want to believe this at all. After so many tears...anger at God...and then asking for forgiveness from God for being angry I got up from the floor and decided to keep on going. I had debated whether or not to just lay there and give up. I even said I wanted to just throw my bible in the trash. I know...I was hurt. I just couldn't understand how God would let me get this far and then this happen. Our precious littlebit is gone. I don't have the strength, but God is holding me up and helping me make it through. The one thing that helps keep me going is that I know one day I will be a momma...whether it be with this next embryo or through adoption. I won't give up. My heart is so broken..so please pray for us. Todd is upset too...he was trying to hold back tears at the doctor's office, but he was strong for me. The nurse called a few hours ago and said my HCG was 6 so the baby has definately stopped growing. I know that this is going to be hard and I need all of you right now so much!! I am hoping that God will continue to carry me through this! Love y'all so much!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jitters!

So tomorrow we are going to have our ultrasound and I am nervous! Up until now I have been counting down the seconds..this week has been SO LONG!! I was doing fine until I saw a little bit..very very little bit of a brownish color in my panty liner. Remember I use those vaginal inserts so it was mixed in with that..sorry TMI!! When I saw it my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest. So I just had to blog and I am hoping that knowing y'all are with me makes me feel at ease. I am afraid that they will do the u/s and there will be nothing there!!

I have to remind myself that I have tons of good symptoms that show me that I must be okay and littlebit(s) is okay too. Please pray for us tomorrow. I will update y'all when I get back. It is a long drive..so it may be tomorrow afternoon before we get home. Love y'all!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

6 weeks belly pic!

6 weeks!


Okay I posted it! I know I look more like I am six months along :D But I promise that my tummy was flat before and now I am so bloated and it is huge! Todd is going to so make fun of me for posting this b/c it is so early, but I don't care. Or atleast I just won't show him..hehe

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hurling and belly bulge

I am on schedule!! Lastnight we were all up watching the UFC fight and right at midnight I felt sick. I told everyone goodnight and went upstairs where I threw up a little..then dry heaved some more. I was so excited :D I told Todd b/c I needed to send Maggie back downstairs so I could hurl. He told my SIL (not the one that just finished IVF) and she was saying YAY!! It is so funny that we are all excited about me hurling. I even thanked God afterwards b/c I know it is a good sign. I finally fell asleep with a trash can close by the bed. Then this morning after I got out of the shower I dry heaved again. Is that what you call it??? When you are gagging but nothing comes up. My brain hasn't been working lately. The reason I say I am on schedule is b/c today is 6 weeks!! So lastnight at midnight I was 6 weeks pg!!

I feel great during the day and then right on schedule around dinner time I start to feel nauseous. Tonight when we got home I did the whole gagging..with nothing coming up again. And right now as I type I feel like I could throw up. Sorry for this post to be all about hurling. I know that is gross.

After church today we took some belly pics and my belly looks HUGE. It is kinda embarrassing b/c I know the baby is the size of an orange seed and I am all chunky monkey. I guess I have been eating too much..who knows. I don't really care, but I just couldn't believe my belly in the pics. I am very bloated and my belly is kinda hard. Is that my uterus growing?? Don't get me wrong I am psyched about getting bigger...I just want it to be the baby and not just fat. So is this normal?? Or should I lay off the sprites? If you want I will post some pics, but only if ya want. Todd told me I shouldn't post them..so I am undecided. They are only 6week pics.

Four more days til the ULTRASOUND!! My FIL thinks there are three in there...how he got that number I do not know. And it scares me b/c he keeps saying you are having TRIPS..yep TRIPS. Todd and I think there is one baby, but we would be stoked if there was two. Okay I can barely keep my eyes open and it is 9 p.m. gotta hit the sack..I can't hang anymore! Love y'all!!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Picture Post :D

I finally found my gizmo that I can put in my camera card thingie. As you can see it is all very technical :D hehe Here are some pics from the other day at my best friend's kiddos school! We had a blast. We volunteered to serve pizza to the whole school, just Pre K4 through 7th. The kids were so precious. Here are a few shots!

this pic has my sweet neighbor(cutie on left) in it..he is so sweet and apparently obsessed with pregnant women and he has been so cute with me lately :D

here I am with my other sweet neighbor..isn't she so beautiful!!! She is so grown up and super smart too!

some awesome ladies..my bestie is on the right and the other lady is a new friend that is super sweet.

Then we had to be mystery readers for two classes. We dressed up like the characters in the book (pinkalicious). Joni (bestie) was Pinkerbell and I was her mom and then later I was Dr. Wink. It was super fun. We brought pink cupcakes with pink lemonade and of course pink napkins!

Friday, May 22, 2009

faint line?????

Just took another pg test..b/c you know I need reassurance a lot!!! There is a faint line and it is bumming me out. I got one of those $ store ones and took it after lunch. What do y'all think?? I mean there is a line, but it is faint. Is that bad????? I am so tired I can't even stress about it right now. Maybe that is a good sign. I am about to go with my bestie to be a mystery reader at her kiddos school. We are going to dress up and everything. If I can get the teacher to take pics I will show you. That is if I can find the piece to my camera that lets me upload to the computer.

Oh yeah, I was brave enough to put up a pg ticker...I hope I didn't jinx myself. Love y'all!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Maggie is growing up!!

I had to post some pics of Maggie. She has grown so much, but I think she is done for now :d This is her after we got home from getting her groomed. She was soo happy to be home sweet home!

On the ride home from the groomer..she likes to sit in momma's lap while I drive. I know it isn't the safest, but she just sits there til she falls asleep.

And see she falls to sleep pretty fast, especially after a hard day getting pampered!

I love this pic. She is watching out the car window for her daddy. He went to get his haircut while she was getting groomed. She is only content when we are both with her.


My Maggie has been such a blessing to us! She is my first baby! She loves to play fetch and loves to sleep with us. She usually gets right up beside my tummy and balls up when she goes to sleep. I can't go to sleep now without her nuzzled up beside me. Love my Mags!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My husband ROCKS!!!!!!

My husband is the BEST!!! Since we have found out that I am pg..he has been oh so sweet. Of course, at first the house was a mess b/c I refused to do too much too soon. I didn't want to do anything to hurt this baby(ies)!! And he agreed. So he was off of work all day yesterday and this morning and WOW..my house is spotless. My laundry is done..folded and put up..and I am so in love with my Toby!! We are painting some rooms in our house and when I say we I mean someone else :D So he also had to get our house ready for that. I mean it looks like we have moved out of some of the rooms. I just can't stop telling him how awesome he is!!!! I even told him I was blogging about him today and he said oh please don't. So modest too :D hehe

I am 5 wks and 3 days today :D I have had the same symptoms and am loving every minute of it. I am going to have to vacate my house during the painting extravaganza...so that will be a bit annoying but hopefully it will all pass soon. We are trying to get as much done to the house before baby comes :D YAY!! Things we have been wanting to get done, but procrastinated about. I guess Littlebit has motivated us!! I am still worried..and told by so many older parents that their children are in their 50s and they still worry about them..so I am sure this will be a lifelong battle of worrying and trusting God. Please continue to pray for littlebit or littlebits. I am ready to be 6wks b/c I know my SIL miscarried in b/w 5 and 6 wks so I have that as a milestone in my head. Okay off to give Toby bunches of kisses for being so amazing!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I could never PRAISE GOD enough!!!! (with updated chart)

Updated with the chart from Birdee..thanks girl..this was fun!!!
I just couldn't figure out the dpo..b/c it was a FET and all that math confuses me..any suggestions. The embryos were 6 days old when they transferred them and the beta was 10 days after that???



Praise the LORD!! PRAISE THE LORD!! The nurse just called...it took FOREVER and I was going crazy. My 2nd beta numbers are...drumroll please...242!!! We were expecting 166 so I am OVERJOYED!!!!! I am just so in awe of this blessing. I don't even know what else to say!! And you know that is odd, b/c I always have something to say!! My first ultrasound is May 29th! That will be the next milestone..to see if there is one or two??? I know the numbers don't really tell you if there is one or two..but what do y'all think?? Also, I am so psyched to see the heartbeat of our littlebit(s)!

Okay and I know this maybe too early but I just wrote into my maternity record book I bought oh so long ago. It was glorious filling in some of the blanks, but there is still that part of me that worries I may jinx it all. I wish that part would go away!!! I am going to be a mommy! I am going to be a mommy! Okay I am going to sit up here on this cloud for a while and praise GOD!! Love y'all!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The HAPS!!!

The PG HAPS:
Today I am 5 weeks pg!! On most sites it still says that I can finally test this week and find out if I am pg or not. One place said that the baby is the size of a teeny tadpole or an orange seed. That is crazy tiny! And odd to me b/c my stomach has some bloat going on. I was told that it was uterus stretching out which is super exciting. I want to take a belly pic, but I have these stinkin patch marks all over my belly from the vivell.e dots. I could look at my stomach in the mirror for hours and I love that it is getting bigger. Such a change from those teenage years when I wanted it oh so flat. My girls are HUGE!!! They were small to begin with so I am hoping they stop growing some and don't keep growing for nine months. Littlebit's heart is starting to form this week and I am already proud of him/her for doing so well! The circulatory system is the first to be operational and the neural tube, which will eventually become littlebit's brain and spinal cord, is under construction as well. I can't believe that so much is going on inside me. It is such a miracle and blessing from God. Life is a gift. Other symptoms include: still tired, moody, headaches, aversion to cooking meat (YUCK), nausea mixed with some heartburn. Thankfully, I have been eating better so I hope the heartburn will stop visiting me. I read somewhere that caffeine can make you have heartburn b/c it relaxes some muscle in the esophagus. I did have a few swigs of sweet tea (my crack) the other day right before the BIG heartburn came. I so want more symptoms!! Bring them on!!!!!


The IF Mind HAPS:
Once an infertile, always an infertile. I still have an IF mind! It is a battle b/c for the most part I have a peace about this pregnancy, but then there are moments of fear. Things have kinda switched up b/c usually I am the one telling everyone to be careful and not get their hopes up. Well, I tell my family that when they are sure I am pg. Now, I feel like I am the one telling everyone to have hope. Well, just Todd and my IF nurse. They are both very cautious beings, but usually they are all oh yes this will work. Then once it does work..they are worried. This morning I announced that I was 5wks to Toby and he said go to the bathroom and make sure you haven't started. I was like...well rain on my parade then. So I did and no AF!! I know for all our sakes we will be more at ease after Monday and the 2nd Beta.

Has anyone heard from Becca?? She was suppose to find out if she was pg on Friday and I am just worried about her! Please keep her in your prayers!!! Becca, I am sending you tons of Love and Hugs!! Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you sweety!!! I am not trying to rush you to post..just wanted you to know I love you!!!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Tagged!


My friend, Sarah, tagged me for this award!!! Which is a super cute award :D Thanks so much girl!!!

Okay, so here are the rules:
1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.
2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the award and post it on your sideboard.)
I am going to stick with what Sarah said "There are some things that many people know that I am thankful for...God, family, friends, etc.. Then there are other things most people know but maybe some of you don't, so here it goes!"


1. STRAWS~ yes straws! I cannot drink something (especially with ice) without a straw. I am addicted. I even keep one in my purse...just in case of emergency..hehe


2. To eat bkfast!!~ I wake up ready to eat. As you have read in previous posts I try to talk Todd into going out for some Hardees in the morning.


3. Photography~ I love taking pics too Sarah :D My family always relies on me to have a camera and take pics. I have to capture every moment b/c I love looking back on those pics and remembering. I also love taking nature pics..like flowers..my profile pic is one of them, but it is more of a hobby.


4. P.J's~ I will be in the house and within a few minutes I will be in my pjs..contacts out..glasses on...jewelry off..and make up off. That is how I like to roll :D


5. Getting a facial~ I have only had one in my life, but I absolutely LOVED it and hope I can do that again soon!!!


6. My laptop~ Now I am totally addicted to getting online b/c it is so easy to just pull out the laptop and go. I may need an intervention soon :D


7. The number 7~ Ever since I was teeny tiny I have loved this number, I am sure it has something to do with my b-day being on the 7th..but it is my lucky number. Plus it is holy!!!


If you are reading this..TAG you are it!! I would tag ppl specifically but that could take a long time since I am suppose to tag ppl I love..so it would be all of my sisters!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

My sweet dancers :D

I just had to share these pics of my neecy poos from their dance recital lastnight. They were so good..I am a very proud aunt!!
My oldest neecy poo...

My youngest neecy poo...

Sisters..it was so hard to get them to pose together...they were so excited to just get on stage :D



I had so much fun at their recital. I was beaming with pride. And I finally got to tell my parents the great news. They were so overjoyed! And my sister has been constantly telling me to take it easy. She even told me that I didn't have to come to the recital b/c she didn't want me doing anything. She is so great. But I couldn't miss it. Even if I had the world's worst headache ALL day long yesterday. My sis said to drink lots of water and it might help..so I downed it right away!!

This morning I woke up and was very anxious to get this house clean and get some groceries. Thankfully, Toby was off..so he let me order him around. Of course, I helped I just let him do all the heavy lifting of the laundry and such. He was so cute...I was bending over picking up towels and he said stop that..I will do that. Then my cleaning streak was cancelled b/c my HORRIBLE heartburn came back..with a vengeance. It radiated all the way up to my forehead..and gave me a headache..again. This heartburn is so unreal. I have never had it this bad before. So I am planning on getting some of Shauna's sweet mommas remedy this wkend. I wrote it down...thankfully b/c I cannot remember anything right now. So I made myself sleep sitting up and when I woke up it has subsided. I am so tired right now..I could so go to bed and I napped today for like 3 hrs.

Shauna and Nity were right I am still worried..and still don't believe this is all actually real. I am ready for Monday so I can get some more results and more confirmation that all is okay. I wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and sweet comments. I have had SO many ppl praying for us and I feel super blessed to have that. The Lord hugged me with all of your comments and always kept me going..when I couldn't even get up. I am not sure what to blog about and what not to blog about. I want to document everything, but I don't want to be all in your face..hey I am pg. You know?? I want to share everything with y'all but I don't want to if it is annoying and upsetting..so let me know if I am. Love to all my sisters!!!!

Alice

Thank y'all so much for the advice with my sweet SIL. I ended up calling my brother first to see what he thought. I was leaning towards calling her. They live in another state..so I knew I wouldn't see her for a while. So I called her after she was off of work and it was so hard. I couldn't even get the words out. I told her that we had our test today...and then I froze. She said and it was good. And I said yes..I am so sorry. Of course, she was overjoyed for me. But I could remember all too well that pain she was feeling too. I started crying. She kept saying I am so happy for y'all and I said I know you are, but I know I am adding to your pain...and I hate that. We hung up and Todd said that was the way to tell someone you love and is IF that you are pg. I quickly wanted assurance again from him that I did okay and didn't cause anymore pain then I knew I would cause already. He said I did fine. So now...please keep Alice..my sil...in your prayers. I know she is in pain..I know her pain...I can still feel that pain. And it sucks!!! It plain out sucks!!!

I am very hesitant to even feel like I am pg..and this is really happening. I feel like I am going to wake up and it will have all been a dream. It is really hard to not continue to worry.

And please keep Becca in your prayers today..she will find out her pg results today!!! I am crossing everything I have for her and saying some prayers too :D Love to all my sisters!!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

It is official!!

It is official I am pregnant!!! The nurse just called and said everything looked great. She said my number was 64.9 and that they look for it to be above 45! So YAY!!! I go back on Monday to do another beta and then if those numbers look good then I will have an ultrasound on May 29th!!! And my EDD would be January 17th. Now I am just waiting on Monday for more confirmation. I so want to take a million pg tests over the wkend to make sure I am still pg...(like Nity..hehe) I may just have to buy some that have the two lines and do that. I can't wait to tell my parents tonight. We are going to my neecy poos dance recital and it is the first time both of them are in it together..so it will be cute.

I need some advice on something very important. How do I tell my SIL. She just found out that her IVF didn't work..so how do I tell her I am pg??? My brother and SIL both told me that they wanted to know and would be happy for me. So should I call them or text them...or what?? I was thinking text so that my sweet sister wouldn't have to put on that brave voice for me. I know she is in pain..and I don't want to cause her any more pain. Please if you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sorry for the silence, but...

First of all, let me apologize for my silence. I have been dying to post..trust me. But I know that my parents sometimes read my blog and I wanted to surprise them..but I don't think they will read it so I can't wait any longer. I have to celebrate with my sisters :D


Okay here's how it all went down. I am a POASaphobic. TOTALLY!! But on Tuesday I lost all my symptoms and started to panic. Then on Wednesday I was going to get some gifts for some awesome expecting friends :D and I texted Nity. We chatted back and forth and I decided I wanted to buy a test!! She is so awesome..as you know. She said she would pray while I tested. So even though I was literally shaking I did it. I POAS...and this is what I saw.....

First I thanked God!! And was in shock, so I called Nity and we cried and screamed together..me more so b/c she was at work :D When I took the test..I was expected a not pregnant b/c I had a small amount of brown spotting..very little in my pad. I have to wear one b/c of the endometin and estrace vaginal inserts. Which is usually what happens to me..I buy a test and then I start.

I was so excited that I started shaking again and didn't stop for a while. I walked slowly next door to tell my bf Joni. We also screamed...cried..and she jumped up and down. We immediately started planning an idea of how to surprise Todd (aka Toby). We decided that we would go to his work and do it. We all loaded up...me, Joni, Jay (her hubs) and their two kiddos and went to get a balloon. We ended up getting one orange balloon and tied it to the pg test.

Then here I am shocking my poor husband senseless!! He was TOTALLY in shock and didn't know what to say!!! Right now I am on cloud nine!! Since I was spotting I decided to test again this morning and it was......


I still go tomorrow for the beta!!! I am just so darn excited. I will spend the rest of my life thanking God!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

going nutso!

I know..two posts in one day..I am in serious need of some support. I have been asking Mr. or should I say Dr. Goo.gle about my symptoms for about 2 hours now. I have been trying to figure out if my symptoms are just the result of all my meds. But I can't help but feel like I am pg. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I haven't ever had all of these symptoms before and plus I have a full feeling down near my uterus. So I have been searching FET #1 and pg symptoms and of course I have gotten no answers. Am I losing it??? My nurse said I could POAS on Wednesday, should I?? It totally terrifies me, but I am driving myself nuts! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Did anyone have these symptoms and get a bfn..or a bfp??? I guess you could say that now I am expecting for someone to tell me my future..sorry you have to be subjected to this!!

have to add a symptom! prayer requests

I forgot to add vivid and odd dreams to my symptom list. Lastnigh I had the ickiest dream. I was eating a hamburger and I told Todd that I didn't think it was done..so I went to spit it out on a plate..and it was raw..blood and all. It was so gross it woke me up and I layed awake for a while afterwards. All I could think was is this even a pg symptom or a woman going crazy sympton. Who knows.

Unfortunately I have to report that my sil got her results and they were negative. My hearts SOOO much for her. I know she is crushed. Please keep her and my brother in your prayers...they need it!! This just scares me even more b/c I know what that feels like and I don't want to feel it again. Thursday won't get here fast enough. Also, keep Becca in your prayers she will have her results on Friday :D I am hoping we will both have great news to report. Todd is working tonight and 14 hrs tomorrow..so I will be super bored and time will go by slowly. Then I am sure when Wednesday gets here I will be going nuts. I am sure that I will be posting more ramblings in the next few days to cope. Thanks for listening. Love y'all!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

ramblings...

Okay it is apparent that blogging is helping me TONS through the waiting process. Anytime I feel like I am about to lose it..I decide to do two things..pray..and blog!! As I read so many posts about Mother's day I was given peace that I am not the only person that dreads this day each year. It is so hard for my family and friends to understand..the ones that have children and had them so easily. Also, I realized there are other ppl out there that suffer on Mother's day. My mom told me that she felt the way I did..my mother's day post. She lost her mom when she was 22 years old and they were SUPER close. And my grandmother's death was out of the blue due to a clot. So she said that every mother's day she was sad b/c she missed her mom. Also, my mom was told she wouldn't be able to have kids. My dad and my mom tried for 5 years before my brother was born. She knew what it was like to be infertile in a fertile world. I can't even imagine back then..I mean things are better and more open now a days, but back then I am sure ppl made her feel like less of a woman. I knew all of this about my mom, but didn't put it all together. I can't imagine not having my momma on mother's day.

Todd and I went to my grandmother's grave today. My mom had put some roses on it for Mother's day. I wish I could've known her!!!! It is times like this when I realize that there are so many ppl in heaven cheering Todd and me on...and sending love our way.

Of course today was emotional. I decided last night around 10 p.m. to mention to Todd that I wasn't sure if I could do church. The bulletin they sent out said there was going to be some baby dedications along with the mother's day celebrations. So yeah...not such a great place for an infertile woman about to find out if she is pg to go. He totally understood and I love him so much for that. We had a great morning...just chilling. Then we went to my mom's and then to Todd's moms. We got them both the cutest capri pants and shirt. They both tried them on and modeled them for us. They were both TOO cute!!

It was at Todd's parents house that I started to get sad. I am thinking it is b/c I saw my nephews and the flowers my sis in law and mil got for mother's day. I found myself wanting to talk about being pg..or having a baby, but I couldn't. I just couldn't!!! I felt stupid for dreaming aloud. Then the bad taste kicked in and I was ready to go home. On the ride home Todd asked me how I was and I said scared. He knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling without me explaining anything. I was hoping that when I got to the end of this post I would feel better, but no such luck. I am still sad and moody.

I am not afraid of the beta on Thursday, I am mostly afraid of spotting that morning..like before. I know if that happens it will be over.

Symptom documenting:sore girls, bad taste in mouth followed by nausea, feeling tired, shooting pain in one of the girls, headaches, tinkling alot, and sad!! Who knows which ones are related to my meds or a possible pg.
Three more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

symptoms

4 more days til beta...ahhhh!! I don't count today or the day of beta. I woke up early this morning b/c I had a bad dream lastnight and it seemed so real. And once I am up...I am up for the day. Then Maggie started growling/barking at me so I knew she had to potty. I have been sore from sleeping on our new bed..but I am hoping that will go away after a few nights. Also, I am not sure how to explain this but I will try. My tummy has been tense, kinda crampy, but nothing big. And by tense..it just feels like I maybe am holding my stress in that area. I really try to take deep breaths and relax, but that doesn't seem to help. I am hoping that maybe it something else entirely :D The major heartburn has stopped, but just like clockwork I get this HORRIBLE taste in my mouth after 5 p.m. The girls are sore and super big..but I know that could be the meds. I have also been pretty tired, but I think that is from resting so much and then actually trying to do some things yesterday just tuckered me out. Okay so now I have documented any symptoms I may have..I really don't know what they mean...it really could just be the meds, but of course I am hoping that it is b/c I have those embies implanted and growing in there.

Today will be low key. Todd and I are going to a few stores to shop for mother's day gifts for our moms. I will also be searching for a new hair str8ener..my Ch.i has worked hard for me for 5 years and has decided to retire. And I can't go in public without str8ening my hair. It is super thick and can be super frizzy without that wonderful little product. I am hoping Todd will get up soon..I am starving and want to talk him into going to Hard.ees for bkfast. He has been trying to keep us on a budget so I am sure he will talk me into eating at home..but I way too hungry to just eat cereal..hehe As soon as my stinkin camera charges I will post some furniture pics..I can't wait to share..we love it!! Love to all my sisters!!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mother's Day

Okay..warning...I am going to write about Mother's day and my feelings leading up to it. I dread this day..I know I am awful. And I do LOVE getting to have a day to show my momma that I appreciate her and love her. Although I try to do this all of the time!! It is just hard on me. And I am going to be a bit selfish and focus on me. Every year mother's day comes and I wish I was able to celebrate with all of the other mommas out there. I sit in church while the ushers give out cute little gifts to all the mothers in the crowd. They are asked to raise their hand and oh how I wish I could raise mine too. I try so hard to just smile and remember that today is for mothers and I should not think about myself. But it is easier said then done. Todd and I make our rounds hitting up my parents house and then his parent's house. And I try to not think about all of the trials and tribulations Todd and I have gone through to try to become parents..but as I said before..easier said then done. I want to give my momma a grandchild. She already has two..but I want to give her one!! I want to be able to connect with my momma on mother's day..b/c we are both mommas. I want to show her how much I learned from her...show her that I learned to be a good momma from her!! It is not about getting any gift or any kind of attention..b/c I hate having the spotlight..it is simply about having the most wonderful, amazing job in the world.

As I was sitting here thinking about this post...I realized something. I might..just might be a mother soon. I could be pg right now!! Then I couldn't help but put my hand on my stomach and feel so much hope and love!! I pray that I am!

On this mother's day I am sure it will be just as hard for y'all as it is for me. I know this is a difficult time and if you are like me you just want to hide under the covers til it is over, but I am going to get up and do what I do every year!! I will celebrate my momma and todd's momma and yes..there will be some sadness in my heart...but I am going to push through and hope the day goes by fast..hehe

In honor of Mother's day I have to tell a story about my momma! Let me take a minute to describe my mom. She is VERY quiet and shy to everyone..but once you get to know her she will let you know what she is thinking or feeling. She loves her kids so much and can't stand to see any of us in pain or hurting. It literally makes her sick. And she is kinda psychic..she always knows what is going on or what has happened. She knew that my brother got a speeding ticket before he even told her. I guess it is that mother's intuition. So it is hard to surprise her!! My favorite hugs are from her. There is just something about a hug from my momma...I never want to let go. Don't tell Todd he may get jealous :D Okay onto my story. When I was in highschool I was on the tennis team..wasn't that great but I was on it. Well, I got bronchitis and had to miss a few practices. When I finally came back to practice my coach basically told me off in front of everyone and told me I was kicked off. Well, I am shy too so I was like yes ma'am and left to go wait on my mom to pick me up. When I told my mom she was furious..she marched down to the tennis courts and went off on this woman. My friends said she really gave it to her. I was soo shocked b/c my mom is shy like me. But I guess you don't mess with her baby. I was so proud of her and my friends thought it was super cool. Needless to say, I didn't go back to the tennis team. I am not coordinated in the least bit..so it was for the best. But after that I had such a different way of looking at my mom. She is my hero :D

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY WKEND TO YOU ALL!! I love y'all and I will be praying for everyone on this difficult day. HUGS!!!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

bad taste in my mouth!!!!

I have the WORST taste in my mouth and it only starts around 5 p.m. each day..it is sooo annoying. Plus it makes me nauseous..and delusional. It makes me think I am pg and already have symptoms...yeah right!! I know it is from my meds..I am on estrace, endometrin, and vivelle dot patches. I looked up the side effects for all of them and they did not mention a bad taste in the mouth. So who knows. Did anyone else experience this side effect??

One more week til the BIG DAY :D So far it has gone by fast..so hopefully the next week will go by fast as well. Thank y'all so much for your sweet comments and prayers!! Oh yeah, we got our furniture today and it is awesome..I will take some pics soon and post them for ya :D Okay I am guessing the only thing that will help this horrible taste is to just go to sleep. Nitey nite!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

bedrest..well really couch rest!

It is SOO much harder to be on couch rest than I thought it would be! I know it will be worth it in the end, but I just want to get up and clean that kitchen so badly!! Monday was a breeze..the only thing I did that evening was walk over to my neighbors..which is a hop skip and a jump next door and have dinner. Then Todd and I came home and watched Y.es man. It was so funny! Tuesday was a bit harder b/c Todd was off all day and I really wanted to get out of the house. But I stayed in and rested.

I mean I did NADA!! Nothing. Plus I had this MASSIVE case of heartburn and I thought I was going to die. Thankfully Todd made sure I could take some zant.ac... he made sure it was okay if I was pg...hehe He is so optimistic. Then when the fires FINALLY went out I was able to relax. Has anyone ever had heartburn that felt like it ran straight up to your head?? It was awful!!

Today has been uneventful too. I sat upstairs with Todd while he cleaned our baseboards in the bedroom. We are getting new bedroom furniture on Thursday and I wanted our bedroom to have a good cleaning. I tried to get it all done before the transfer but I just couldn't focus. I did get the windows and blinds cleaned..so props for that :D Poor Todd has had a migraine all day and so I have felt pretty bad for asking him to do things for me. But he has been trying...bless his heart. And he has to work this evening and 14 hrs tomorrow. I am feeling for him right now. Thankfully, his sister is coming over tomorrow to help with the furniture delivery..so I won't have to go up and down the stairs a hundred times. Everyone is taking such great care of me..I am one blessed lady :D

The beta is next Thursday..the 14th ;D And I DO NOT plan to POAS before hand..even though my nurse told me I could. I have a few prayer requests..one is a Becca, she is going to have her FET tomorrow!! Pray that all goes smoothly and this will take her to her BFP!! The second one is my sister in law..Ali...She will have her Beta done on Monday and I am praying it is positive. Please keep them both in your prayers!! Love y'all!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

I am PUPO!!

Everything went well today. My bff, Joni, took me to the doctor and we laughed the entire time. So that helped my nerves. Then we got the pics of the embies..and they thawed 2 and they made it. One was actually already hatching or had hatched naturally. Which was alarming before the embryologist explained why one embryo looked so different from the other one. They kept the third embryo frozen for future uses. The embryologist wasn't willing to give me any hope...every time I asked if they looked good she would say yes...but then would say she can't say for sure..and if she could she would be drinking out of a pineapple or coconut on an island. What a meanie..she could've lied to me. But everyone else..the nurses..were so positive that I didn't let her bother me :D Now I am on bed rest for a few days! I have been cramping a bit today..and I didn't cramp last time so maybe that is a good sign.

All in all, God is in control. I am waiting on Him and His will. We will see if this is His will. Thank y'all SOOO much for your prayers and well wishes..love you!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

just freaking out about tomorrow!

I am totally freaking out about tomorrow. I have gone over anything that I did last time that might have made me feel like I wasn't doing the best to let the embies attach. I have decided that I am going to go straight home from the doctor's office..and if we need to stop for lunch we are going to do the drive thru thing and I will stay in the car. Then when I get home I am planning to be on bedrest for a few days. I haven't come up with an actual number of days. I know that no matter what I do..what is going to happen is going to happen. So I am doing this for my own sanity.

I planned to get sooo much stuff done today so that next week I could just chill, but I have been frozen today...watching abc family movies ALL day!! I know pathetic. I really wish I could just fastforward two weeks and be done with everything..and know my fate. I know I should be hopeful, but I can't help but constantly analyze my chances. I wonder if the doctors have tested everything...what if they forgot something important. Like I have an overactive immune system..or need certain hormones to help with implantation. And should I request them to help with the hatching???? As you can see I am still in control war with God..I need to just let go and give it over to Him. I know that I am NOT in control and He is!! But of course I am only human and so imperfect.

Todd is working tomorrow, so my friend is driving me to the FET. Then Todd gets off and is off til Wednesday afternoon. So I will get some pampering..YAY!! And I am so psyched b/c our ac has been out upstairs and it will be fixed tomorrow evening. Which is awesome b/c we have been sleeping in our room and it has been fine with the windows up and the fan on..at night, but the pollen is testing my allergies. Today I cleaned the windows up there and there was tons of pollen on the windows. No wonder my eyes are itching.

Lord, please help me not fear, but to have hope. To let go and trust You! I love you! In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Friday, May 1, 2009

woman in waiting

I read y'alls comments and they were so sweet, but I hardly think of me as an example of anything. I am simply a woman that has been beaten down by infertility..but has also been saved by GOD. He has promised to take care of me. So I started down a path of thoughts and ended up with this. I was online searching for scripture related to IF...or IF christian support. And I came across a prayer for a woman in waiting. It said everything I felt..and it was then that I wanted to make sure I was being totally honest with God. He knows my deepest feelings and desires anyway. So I found myself wondering what should I pray..what would get me a child..how do I word it just right.

Then it hit me. Imagine a person drowning...someone comes to save them, but cannot because the drowning person is struggling. I am that drowning person. I am struggling..I find myself BEGGING God. Screaming through my heart to take this pain away. Please Lord, Please, I cannot take anymore. But all I need to do is stop struggling, stop fighting my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. He has me in His arms..He is holding me above the water, but I keep on pushing myself back in deeper.

Which brings me to how in the world do you let go and stop struggling. I mean if you are drowning..you will panic, right? Your instincts take over and you fight. I guess I can't try to talk God into giving me a child. He has a plan for me and plus He is not exactly not giving me a child. He didn't look down and say..yep..no child for Dana. I know he feels my pain and weeps when I weep. I am sure He wishes He could fix it all for me. I may never know why I have had to endure IF..I may never get exactly what I want! I struggle with this..I struggle to just let go. I am blessed with good days and bad days and with this FET coming up I can't help but find myself on my knees begging and sobbing for God to make this work this time. I find myself afraid. Afraid of future pain. It hurts so badly. As if I am on fire and cannot get it out. The pain is real..and I fear it.

Lord, please help me to stop fearing and to trust You. You are ALL I NEED...YOU ARE ALL I WANT!!! Help me to stop struggling in Your arms. I yearn for You Lord, I need You so much! Your perfect will is sufficient to me! I am on my knees please save me like in that video(post before this one). Take all of those demons away..all the fear..all the worry..all the pain. Please forgive me for my sins. I love you Lord with all my heart and soul! In Jesus precious name..Amen!

So how do we give up control and give it completely to God??
Please don't forget to watch the video in the post before this one..below..right there!!

Please watch this video..it is a blessing!!

I saw this yesterday and had to share it. Go and get some tissues..I was ugly crying from watching this..it really means so much! Enjoy!