Sunday, April 19, 2009


I am not sure how to explain my thoughts or feelings lately. I feel like I am in a whirlwind...that is overwhelming each thought or feeling I have by constantly adding to them. Since I don't know what the future holds I have been trying to prepare myself for so many is ridiculous. I look at my life and can't imagine not having kids. When I think about heart just screams inside...and breaks. I want for this FET to work so badly, that I find myself literally begging God.

Then there are parts of me that just wants to throw my hands in the air and yell as loud as I can.."I AM DONE WITH THIS". You know let (the dream) go before it hurts me again. I have found myself looking at people I grew up with and new friends on fcbook and it is so hard to see all those beautiful families. They are just living their lives and they have never even thought of infertility. I am sure they have their own heartaches..we all do, but of course I think of IF b/c it is my heartache. I picture my life...pregnant..hopeful. Then I picture being able to hold my baby and I can imagine the love that will come pouring out of me for this little miracle.

If I can see it..can't I have it?? I sure hope I can. I dread that it won't work and so that is why I am sad today. All I can see right now is disappointment. And all I want to picture is my sweet dream of my miracle. How can I let that fear go. I ask God daily to help me and He does. But it is a daily struggle. Maybe minute struggle better describes it.

Right now my regimen is: two estrogen patches every other day...estrace vaginal inserts twice a day, plus my asp. and pnv. So it isn't a tough regimen..and I am happy that it isn't. In another week I will add more to it. I have a midcycle appt. for the 27th and they expect my FET to be on May 4. Right now I am trying to decide whether or not to drive myself to the FET. Todd has to work and he has had to ask off so much lately, that I hate to make him do it again. The drive is about an hour and a half. Then todd will be home that evening and will be off the next day to pamper me :D What should I do?? I can ask a friend to take me. But that could be stressful.

Sorry I am jumping subjects so I said whirlwind!! I wanted to thank all of you SOOO much for your prayers and encouraging comments. I have NEVER felt so loved in my life and it has been a true blessing!!! Thank you from my heart..I love you all! And I really see how Christ unites us and makes us family!!


shauna said...

I cannot even imagine how you're feeling right now, as I've never been where you are. I do believe though that God would not give you the desire to be a mom and not fulfill that desire. I don't know what God is working, but I do believe he is working. You're going to be a mom one day. Don't lose hope. As for the driving yourself to the appointment, I am not a doctor, and I know the transfer is really easy, but I would say have someone drive you. That's just my opinion though. Hope that you find some relief and peace today. I am praying for you. Love ya girl.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

If you don't feel right about driving yourself do you have a good friend that could do it? I know if I was your "RL" friend, I'd hapily drive you and make it as stress free as possible!

I'm keeping everything crossed that this FET works for you, I can see that you'd make an absolutely fabulous Mum and I so hoe that at the end of all this, you are able to hold a living, breathing baby in your arms and finally call yourself a Mum!

Much love


Ashley said...

I think we will always feel like disappointment is in our future until we are holding our babies...because we have had so much disappointment in the past! I also know this "The will of God will never take you, where the Grace of God will not protect you!" It will work out honey. You will have your baby!! As for driving to the FET. I would be a nervous wreck...I'm sure it would be okay...did you ask your RE? My ER is May 5th so we won't be too far apart if this works!! I'm sending some prayers your way:)

Becca said...

Dana, I know what you mean when you describe the tension between wanting to be hopeful but also wanting to protect yourself from yet another disappointment. I feel that too as we approach our FET. You're right - it's a minute-by-minute struggle sometimes - and it's exhausting! I pray that God gives both of us reassurance of His power and control and His ability to take care of us no matter what happens.