Thursday, April 23, 2009

trying to climb out of this hole!!!

My mood lately SUCKS!! I know that some of it has to do with my hormones..and the book I am re-reading...and life in general. I am just so stinkin sad! And I mean, heart aching in your has no meaning..sad. I have my moments of happiness and then it fades so quickly. Usually b/c something yet again has reminded me of being barren. It is like everywhere I turn pregnant women and mothers with babies are breaking out into song and dancing around me.

For example, the other day I was with a friend and her 5 month old. She had left to go play with her older child while I watched the little one. Then a group of mothers came by and started asking me questions about the stroller sitting in front of me. I mean it did look like this was my kid. I even imagined that she was for a second. Then I had to jump back into reality and tell them..nope not my kid. I felt like not kids...never pg..never will be. I hate constantly telling ppl that. You know the answer to you've been married for 4 you have any kids? Then when you say no..they look at you like you are crazy and must explain. Or worse..give you the just relax speech or the be glad you don't have kids speech.

If they could only see my heart literally breaking in half. The only pain I can compare it to is losing a loved one. I have lost two friends before and it feels like each day I lose more. You know what I am feeling. It sucks. I want to stop feeling this way so badly. I wish I could just say no more..and those feelings go away. I wish I was normal again. Way back when we weren't ttc and I was clueless to all this pain. Plus I don't want to be all emotions with the FET right around the corner. Lord knows I could use this to blame myself forever if it didn't work.

Which gets me to my next point. How in the heck can I start to get over this. Will I ever get over this? I am sure I know the answer to that one. Life without being a parent isn't a life I wanna live. I don't want to die or anything, just not sure how I can ever look at life the same as I did before the whole TTC crap! Right now I have tears about to pour out..but I am holding them back b/c I am about to go out with a friend for dinner. Maybe that is what I need to do..but I feel so guilty for being so sad all the time. The same ppl get to hear it and I am sure they are so sick of it by now. I can't even focus on anything anymore...nothing is the same. Food doesn't taste the same, things aren't fun anymore. I know..I just described depression, but thankfully I know when I am depressed. And I am, but not as bad as it could be.

I dealt with depression in my younger years..hehe So I know that I am not completely there yet. God has helped me to not lose it completely yet. Maybe that is what I completely and utterly lose it. Let go and break down. I am scared though, to let go. I mean what if I can't come back from it? I am hopeless..a worrier always! I am getting on my own nerves now. I wish I could just get away from ME!!!
Sorry again for the dana downers...I pray that my mood will get better!

On another analyzing note...I have been taking estrogen vaginal inserts and wearing two estrogen patches. Well, lately I have been nauseous and has some not so fun bathroom moments..if you know what I mean. Plus I feel a bit bloated. I am worried that I am doing the whole OHSS thing again. Is that even possible now? I tried to google it, but no such luck. I go to the dr. on Mondays so I have held off calling them to ask. Oh and my ovaries are doing that sore thing again, but not as sore as with the ER.


shauna said...

I wish that there were words to say. What you're going through is awful, and it seems so unfair. All I can tell you is I think I'd feel exactly the same way if I was in the same situation. I wish that I could just change this and make everything better for you. I'm praying and hoping for you. Lots of hugs.
<3 Shauna

The Carter Family said...

Bless your heart! I know exactly how you feel. My dh and I have been ttc for over 5 years. Like I told you on a previous comment we will start our 1st IVF with my next cycle. I am 35 and have 2 nephews that we keep a lot. Whenever I'm out with them, people always ask me "mother" questions. I sorta look at them with this sick feeling in my stomach and have to say, "No, they are my nephews. We don't have children." Then you, like you said, get the.... "Y'all have been married 7 years and don't have kids?" "What's wrong?" or "Be glad you don't have kids! "You can do more things" or "It must be nice to sleep in late!" The thing is, I would LOVE to get up in the middle of the night or not sleep in, would LOVE to hear baby cries, etc.. The other night I actually heard someone say, "I had one kid and it was the worst thing, and someone even told me "Don't have kids, I wish I hadn't!" "you are so lucky "! People can be so inconsiderate and cruel. I AM SICK OF IT!! But, when it is OUR turn, I think this will help us be an even better mother than we would have been if we hadn't gone through infertility. I just have to believe that God chose us for this task for a reason. What, I don't know! It is so hard to stay positive, but we gotta girl! I don't blog about our TTC on my blog. It's weird, I don't talk to many of my friends about it, but I read other ttc blogs with infertility and I find it easier discussing things with them. Weird! Anyway.. Just know that I'm thinking of y'all and remembering y'all in my prayers. Our time will come! I just know it will!! Sending ((HUGS)) your way!

Jill said...

I don't think anyone can blame you for being so sad! You've been going through SO MUCH. I hope it gets better soon, though. ((hugs))

Becca said...

Dana, please don't feel like you have to apologize for being down. I think one of the hardest (and most unique) things about infertility is that the grief is fresh and raw all over again after each failed cycle or failed treatment. It's EXHAUSTING. You are not alone in these feelings. Praying that your hope will be renewed and that you will have people to lean on while you're down in the valley. ((hugs))