Monday, April 20, 2009

prayer last night***updated later!!

I am sitting in bed lastnight praying and just chatting with God. I was probably more like talking His head off. When I realized that I am/was mad at Him. I have told myself before that I know it isn't His fault that we aren't pg. But I had to come clean lastnight and tell Him that I was a little bit mad at Him. I told Him that I did not understand why He would not give me a child...when He could see how much my heart was aching and breaking. And how I fear that this pain may change me for the worst. Let me explain that last one. Ya see I fear that all of these disappointments will make me bitter. I have always been able to put myself in other ppl's shoes and explain why they are acting the way they are acting. Even if they are doing something horrible...I can see their pain that fuels their behavior. Well, what if after all of this I am just a bitter old mean lady. I know it kinda sounds silly when I type it out, but lastnight as I was praying it was a very serious concern. SO I asked God about it. I haven't really gotten an answer yet....and it is hard, so hard to wait. I have NEVER been a patient person, but through all of this I am getting better.

I guess today is my day to wonder why...ask God for some kind of reassurance that I am on His path, some kind of guidance. I am scared that this is the time when He may be silent..and that terrifies me. I really need Him so much!!

I have asked for forgiveness for being mad at God and I really think that God understands...I am so not perfect!! Sorry for anyone reading this..I know I have been a downer lately.

My SIL just called me, she is going through IVF right now. She was suppose to do her ER either today or tomorrow, but they are telling her it may be this wkend. She is frustrated and scared. And she just needed to talk to someone that knew exactly where she was coming from. My heart knew exactly how she was feeling and I tried to reassure her and give her encouragement and mostly just listen. Then my brother called me and we he gave me encouragement. As we talked I realized something that was a gift from God. I realized that through this failed IVF my heart had been opened to something that it was not completely open to before. And that is adoption. I cannot believe it b/c before I did not want to fully give up actually carrying a child and having that experience. Now after my experience I have to wonder if that is where God is leading us. All I know is that I want to be a mother. And of course, I would LOVE to be able to carry my child and experience pregnancy, but maybe God has other plans for me. It has given me hope and a smile today. B/C I know that if this FET doesn't work we have a plan. And that maybe just maybe God is trying to guide us somewhere we never would have pursued otherwise. Adoption is expensive and I don't even know how we could afford it, but I am just going to trust and see where this takes us. I am still sad for what could have been and I don't get me wrong..if this doesn't work and we do adoption I will weep for the loss of being pg. But THANK the LORD...atleast I got some direction. Thank you so much Lord for giving me direction in this storm!!


Jill said...

I could have written this post a time or two. ((hugs)) it's a hard place to be!

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle daily with turning this situation over to Him and allow Him to change my heart and help me not be bitter and angry. That is the hardest part. He knows we are angry. He wants us to be completely honest with Him. He is big enough to handle it! And yes... God chooses to be silent sometimes and that is extremely hard. I just have to have the comfort and peace that we are on this path for a purpose and until we are detoured to another path- we will continue on- in hopes of having our miracle one day!

Michelle said...

Wouldn't it be so much easier if He could just tell us his plan...I know that is where faith comes in but I it can be so hard sometimes. I have had the same feelings off and on and one thing I know is He always forgives and He can take what ever you can dish at Him.

Old Mom New Baby said...

Hi Dana,
It's been a while and you may not recognize me.
I had to delete my old blog (em.ty because of some personal issues and I opened a new private blog and changed everything about me.
Anyway, I deleted it around the beginning of march when you were were about to go through IVF - I had lost touch with a lot of the women whom I followed, you being one of them, and every day I have thought about you and searched for you (through SQSPJ - tho I couldnt remember if that is where I found you in the first place)
Anyway, I finally found you today and read all about your IVF and am so heart broken for you.
I wished I could have been there for you to give support, but just know I was praying for you daily.
And now that I have found you again, I'll be watching and praying for you as your journey continues.
Your a beautiful woman all the way through.

Becca said...

Hi Dana! I wrestle with anger and bitterness, too. Thankfully, God listens to our negative emotions just as much as He hears our praises. I am comforted to know that nothing - even my own ugly heart - can separate me from the love of God. Hugs to you, sister! This is such a rough journey. But how awesome that you are able to support and encourage your SIL!

shauna said...

I've thought alot about God preparing us for the paths he sends us in life. I've thought about people who have so much heartache with ttc, to where they eventually are ready to quit, and maybe God brings them to a point where they are open to adoption, and they receive the exact child God wanted them to have. I know it would change everything for us if God would just tell us his will. If he'd say "yes, you will conceive naturally, or no, you need to go ahead and pursue adoption." I guess we wouldn't be the people that we are if we didn't go through some of these circumstances. I know it's so hard on you, and it's hard on those that love you to know you're suffering, and not getting your answers. God has promised us grace in the journey, and I believe he's always there at the right time. I pray that he'll help you everytime you have a question, or a fear,
(no matter how many times a day) and just calm you and give you understanding and peace, and when the time comes that you will completely know that you're in his will. If it's his will for you to adopt he'll prepare your hubby and work out the finances. If it's his will for you to conceive naturally I pray he'll hurry up!!! (j/k)
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
Love ya.