Tuesday, April 14, 2009

easter pics and anger

Let me start off on a happy note and share some pics from Easter :D

with toby


with my sissy

with my momma

my nephew caleb

my other nephew Jake

My neecy poos!



Now here is the low down!
I must be going the stages of grief pretty fast. B/c today I am angry. I am not angry with God. Although I have been before, I am just plain angry. It has been one of those days when nothing seems to go right. Even the smallest things like sunglasses...long story. Also, I am sure that it doesn't help that I am having the WORST case of PMS ever!! The thing that started it all was my hair..my stupid thick hair. My hair is super thick and my straightener is trying to die on me. I have had it for 5 years so I guess it is time to replace it, b/c it just won't get hot enough to tame my fro :D

Then my anger just grew from there and before I knew it I was cranking up the music and screaming along to it....and then when Maggie wouldn't come out from under the bed..I just lost it. And fell to my knees and had a good cry. Poor mags was so confused. I am angry that I am not pregnant. That this did not work. I am soooooo mad...I won't have a baby on Christmas...AGAIN!!!!! I have to look at stinkin face.book and my.space and see all of the stinkin Easter pics of precious families and I just want to scream!!

I hear desperation in my voice as I pray for help. Yesterday I was a bit numb and sad and today I was angry and now the true emotion is coming out..pain. Behind anger there is always pain. That is one thing I learned as a counselor. Really my emotions are all over the place. It is so confusing, b/c I am in pain and miss my baby(ies). then I have a peace about the future and hope...is it normal to have both??

Also, I have this question. about my babies. there were two perfect embryos..you saw the picture. they existed and they were alive. does that mean that they are in heaven with our Lord? I think they are. He knew us before we were in our mother's womb..right? So they are up there and they are being taken care of by the best angels ever. I still love them so much and miss them.

5 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I know what you mean about the anger! I have had many of "holy fits" as I call them. It is only natural. I think it is okay to be angry. I have yelled, cried, and screamed at God- but He already knows it. He is big enough to handle it. I don't understand and I am angry...hurt...hopeless...sad
forgotten...alone...not alone...helpless...bitter...etc.
They are all natural. It does get a little easier with time. It is still hard after 2 failed IVF's and a failed Frozen cycle. So, if you count the frozen with it all...thats 3 failed IVF's. I don't know why...I want to know why...if I am not going to have children...then tell me now...quit making me go through this again and again!
So, sorry this is long, but I know the pain and anger you are feeling- it is okay...its all part of this process!
Praying for you!

Nichole said...

Don't doubt that those "embryos" were your babies. Whether they were brought together in the womb, or out, they were babies. Your babies. Now they are up in heaven with my baby looking over us. I am so damn sorry this is happening to you.

By hugs my dear - big hugs.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

:-(

You've been in my thoughts hon and I thing your anger is not only justified BUT also healthy.

I've found a punchin bag or virtual punching on Wii Fit help a great deal ;-)

Much love

xxxxx

shauna said...

Dana, It is only natural for you to feel pain and anger
(and dissapointment). Remember that God knows how you feel, I don't think it will bother him at all if you tell him about it, in fact he said to cast all our cares on him. I am praying for you. The grieving process is hard, but it is needed. Remember I'm here if you need me.
Lots of hugs from me to you.
-Shauna

Michelle said...

I definitely believe they are! You have every right to be angry. I know how frustrating this whole thing is and I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish you would have had a different out come. I am praying for you and that your dreams come true...SOON!

Hugs