Wednesday, April 15, 2009

blah

Today is a somber day. I am just plain sad. And I am okay with it. I had this timeline of only letting myself grieve for one day and then move on, but my heart has other plans...so I am going with it and trying to let myself heal.

My Re called me yesterday. And I asked him if he thought it would be better to go right into a FET or to wait and take a break. He said that it was totally up to me and how I was emotionally. So I have been praying for God's guidance on what to do. Part of me wants to jump right back into it and get going. Part of me wonders how I am doing emotionally. I feel like I could do it, I guess I just need to know how I would be if it didn't work again. Maybe that is what he means..the dr. Will I totally lose it...probably. But I have to try, right?

Plus I feel better when I am doing something...or atleast I feel like I am being productive. The most ridiculous thing is that I think about this vacation we are taking in June. Todd and I will go down to the beach two days before his family and then we will be there with them in a condo. Last year we went and it was bitter sweet, I got to have so much fun with my nephews and family, but it made me constantly think about how I don't have any kiddos. This time I was so psyched that just maybe when we went to the beach...I would be pg. Which gets me finally to my point. We go on June 19..and I am wondering how that date goes into play with us doing a frozen cycle right away. I am not sure how long a frozen cycle takes...and what if I am only a few weeks pg for the trip. I will be terrified of driving 6 hours....I will worry that I will miscarry. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but this is how my brain works. I guess I am always finding something to worry about. Go figure.

Enough about that. So far AF is here and in full force..unfortunately. My nurse made me an appt. for tomorrow to do a baseline. Also, I get to bug my doctor with tons of questions that I know he cannot answer, but will ask him anyways. Before I have left taking a break up to God, so I will do the same again. (before I ended up having a cyst that needed time to go away) So we will see what tomorrow holds. I hope my mood is better tomorrow.

5 comments:

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Thinking of you! I know you feel so emotional right now. If it helps, we waited a month before doing the frozen cycle. I had my last full cycle IVF in Dec/Jan. We found out in Jan that it didn't work and then I waited all of Feb and then started the estrogen patches in March. I am not sure what all your doctor does- we just put on patches- 2 every other day and then 3, 4 etc. Basically I think if you have a vacation planned etc...they can work around your schedule since a frozen cycle is much, much less invasive!
Thinking of you and praying for you. We can do this! We will never give up!

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Thinking of you hon...

xxxxxx

Days of Golden said...

I understand where you are right now. My heart goes out to you.

momof5girls said...

Dear Dana,
My heart breaks for your pain. The mom in me wishes I could just put my arms around you as I have Shauna so many times and tell you it is ok to feel as you do, but to continue to trust the Lord. If the disappointment is not enough, you have synthetically induced PMS which is like the house of hormones has been dropped on the wicked witch. The best thing you can do is continually lift your voice up to the Lord and seek His solace. Remember all the stories in the Bible of godly people who cried out to him... David when his child was dieing, Hannah when she felt just as you do only she had her nemisis popping babies out like hotcakes and rubbing it in her face. God knows and He does care so let it out when you need to. I'm sure praying for you and looking forward to the day we can all rejoice with you!!! Arlene

shelly said...

Hi, my name is Shelly Brace. I am great friends with Shauna and I have been following your blog through her blog. I just wanted to tell you that even though we do not know each other, I have come to think of you and your situation often and praying for you often. I can't even imagine what it has been like and I pray that God gives you the peace and comfort you seek for and that He will give you the direction and discernment that you need. I only have a glimpse of what you go through because of Shauna and I being so close and talking to her about it alot, but I just pray God's will be done in your life and that in the end your life will glorify God by following His direction and you will be soooo happy in following Him. Your friend in Christ,
Shelly