Thursday, April 30, 2009

My story

I wanted to write a post dedicated to NIAW. I have read so many amazing and inspiring stories from my fellow sisters in honor of NIAW...National Infertility Awareness Week. Okay so here is my story...

Before I married my Toby..(aka Todd) my MIL..yes my MIL..bugged me about getting on BCPs. We were both still in grad school and I had hoped that I would be fertile myrtle like my sister. I got on the BCPs in 2005 and they SUCKED!! I never could get used to we decided that we would leave our fate up to God. I think I stopped taking them after a few months. We just went through the next year trying to finish up school and breathe at the same time. I am sure that I would've gotten a clue when we never ended up pg. But I had no worries..b/c we weren't really ttc.

We were so sure of ourselves that we decided for me to stay at home after graduation and get ready to be a mom. So I did. And we tried to get pg for the next year. We actually had one positive test..a digital one that had those glorious words...PREGNANT. Except we weren't. After a visit with the OBGYN we realized it was either a false positive or a chemical pregnancy. I was so bummed, but a bit more hopeful that maybe I could actually get pregnant.

Then my body started going nuts. I gained a bunch of weight..and one of my periods was super late. And I was getting pains near my ovaries. I requested an ultrasound to see what the heck was going on..and my dr. just brushed me off. It was then that I decided to switch obgyns. At my new dr. we endured a LAP...where I had both tubes unblocked. And the dr. NEVER saw my hundred million cysts on my ovaries during that surgery.CRAZY.

After a few months with lots of mucinex...opks, and pulling my hair out I went in to my dr. and begged for something more. So he referred me to my dr. that I have now. The first few seconds he did a vaginal ultrasound and diagnosed me with PCOS. It was so obvious!! He started me on Metformin and femara and I was sure this would do the trick. Over the next few months I lost a lot of weight and still was not pg. We then moved onto IUI. After two of pg. So we took a break. And I really needed the break. I ate what I wanted..drank what I wanted..and actually got to work out like I wanted.

During our break Todd and I decided that we would do IVF. So we started up that process in Jan of 09. Now after one failed IVF and a scheduled FET for Monday..I can not believe I am still on this journey. And somewhat sane..hehe

Throughout it all I have been blessed by God. He wraps me in His arms with all of your sweet posts and comments and He encourages me with your heartfelt words. He has blessed me with all of you! Such a great blessing..such a great gift. We have all traveled the same path and encountered the same heartaches. Through it all we lift each other up and pray for each other. We rejoice when one of us succeeds and it breaks our hearts when one of does not. We are sisters in this fight for our miracles. We fight each day..but thankfully we fight together! Love you all so much!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

a new day!

I am so sick of my sadness...and recently read that I shouldn't let this grief take me over..instead I need to use it to grow in my faith in God and use it to follow His path.

I have to switch it up and get motivated. And trust me, this is not easy. And I am very sure that God is picking me up right now and that is the only reason I feel the least bit motivated.

Today I feel very motivated. Motivated to enjoy life. Even the smallest bit of it. I cooked some blueberry muffins for bkfast..well maybe more like brunch. I woke up at 8 and then caught up on some shows on my dvr. I love that thing!! Then I finally went into the pantry and looked for some fuel. I found these muffins that say they are whole wheat..I am sure they probably just have some in them...but whatever. I believe they are healthy..and they are..hehe Of course, I totally made them not healthy by dipping them in log cabin syrup. That stuff is oh so yummy!! It was when I took Maggie out for the 100th time to potty that I remembered how blessed I am. How I have a great life and a lot of ppl would want to get to stay home like I do. My husband has given me a great gift. I can get up whenever I want and I work at my own pace without a boss breathing down my neck. Granted I don't get payed for my work, but instead I get more freedom. I can sit on the couch with maggie curled up in my lap..typing on my blog..all day if I want. And don't get me wrong I am not trying to be all "oh look at me". I am just writing out my thought process that has helped me wake up and smell the roses!!!

I thought, you know how you always feel jealous of parents. Well, I am sure they are jealous of us too. Don't get me wrong I would trade all my extra sleep and time for a baby crying constantly anyday!!!!!! But I have to learn to appreciate what I have right now. Instead of ALWAYS seeing the grass as always greener on the other side. So that is what I am doing today...just enjoying the life God has given me.

Who knows what the day holds..maybe I will work in the yard, or get lost in a book... I am excited..yay...not as sad anymore. Thank you Lord!!

If I do work in the yard I will have to post pics later on. Oh yeah, the other day Todd and I went into a furniture store...just looking. They were having an awesome sale..and we found our bedroom furniture. We have been using Todd's furniture and it isn't really our is very manly :d So we have been casually looking forever. We always find the style, but not the right color. When we saw this ensemble we were psyched...and we BOUGHT it. It will be delivered next Thursday and I am tickled! We have had a comforter and curtains for over a year in the closet..just waiting to be brought out..I can't wait to hang those curtains and put our comforter on our new bed :D We are also painting some rooms in the house..soon. And the master bedroom is one of them. And when I say we are painting, I mean someone else..hehe So when it is all done..I will post some pics. Okay enjoy the rest of this gorgeous day. Love y'all!

Monday, April 27, 2009


Today I went to the dr. He did an ultrasound to check on my uterine lining. Everything looked great. So we are doing the FET on May 4. I went to the dr. by myself b/c Todd has been sick lately. He was coughing so much that he lost his voice. So I wanted to let him just relax and sleep in. For some reason it has always been hard for me to go to the dr. alone. I am such a baby about it. Even though I am not sick..I still like to have someone with me. I think it is b/c I am so shy and quiet. Also, I am sure that right now I am supersensitive to everything! When the dr. did the ultrasound he said..that my ovaries were quiet. Which made me sad. I didn't ask any questions b/c it seemed that he was in a hurry. I know that my ovaries being quiet is good for the FET...and was a goal in the IVF. But it still sucks. It means that I more than likely cannot ovulate on my own. Even though I pretty much already knew is just hard right now. Of course, it makes this upcoming FET more nerve racking b/c obviously I don't have hope of getting pg on my own. I need help with that!!

So on my way home from the doctor...I was super sad...and couldn't wait to get home. I think my meds are making me nauseous and tired.

On a better and happier note. Lastnight I was overwhelmed at how God is comforting me. We were at T's parents house and his aunt and uncle came to visit us. I chatted with his aunt and was updating her about our FET. I am very open about IF..which sometimes I regret, b/c I am constantly talking about it and I feel like I get other ppl's hopes up only to make them crash down. Neways, as she was telling me to trust God, my eyes started to tear up. So she asked if I wanted to pray..and I was like OF COURSE!! SO everyone grabbed hands and she started praying. I couldn't tell you what exactly she said..but I was blubbering and showing God my heart through it all. I have never had someone do that before. She even put her hand on my stomach while she prayed. You would think I would have been nervous about that..or I would have thought so..but I was so at ease.

It is so annoying to me that I am still sad. Here I have God trying to reassure me, but I can't get rid of this mood.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

trying to climb out of this hole!!!

My mood lately SUCKS!! I know that some of it has to do with my hormones..and the book I am re-reading...and life in general. I am just so stinkin sad! And I mean, heart aching in your has no meaning..sad. I have my moments of happiness and then it fades so quickly. Usually b/c something yet again has reminded me of being barren. It is like everywhere I turn pregnant women and mothers with babies are breaking out into song and dancing around me.

For example, the other day I was with a friend and her 5 month old. She had left to go play with her older child while I watched the little one. Then a group of mothers came by and started asking me questions about the stroller sitting in front of me. I mean it did look like this was my kid. I even imagined that she was for a second. Then I had to jump back into reality and tell them..nope not my kid. I felt like not kids...never pg..never will be. I hate constantly telling ppl that. You know the answer to you've been married for 4 you have any kids? Then when you say no..they look at you like you are crazy and must explain. Or worse..give you the just relax speech or the be glad you don't have kids speech.

If they could only see my heart literally breaking in half. The only pain I can compare it to is losing a loved one. I have lost two friends before and it feels like each day I lose more. You know what I am feeling. It sucks. I want to stop feeling this way so badly. I wish I could just say no more..and those feelings go away. I wish I was normal again. Way back when we weren't ttc and I was clueless to all this pain. Plus I don't want to be all emotions with the FET right around the corner. Lord knows I could use this to blame myself forever if it didn't work.

Which gets me to my next point. How in the heck can I start to get over this. Will I ever get over this? I am sure I know the answer to that one. Life without being a parent isn't a life I wanna live. I don't want to die or anything, just not sure how I can ever look at life the same as I did before the whole TTC crap! Right now I have tears about to pour out..but I am holding them back b/c I am about to go out with a friend for dinner. Maybe that is what I need to do..but I feel so guilty for being so sad all the time. The same ppl get to hear it and I am sure they are so sick of it by now. I can't even focus on anything anymore...nothing is the same. Food doesn't taste the same, things aren't fun anymore. I know..I just described depression, but thankfully I know when I am depressed. And I am, but not as bad as it could be.

I dealt with depression in my younger years..hehe So I know that I am not completely there yet. God has helped me to not lose it completely yet. Maybe that is what I completely and utterly lose it. Let go and break down. I am scared though, to let go. I mean what if I can't come back from it? I am hopeless..a worrier always! I am getting on my own nerves now. I wish I could just get away from ME!!!
Sorry again for the dana downers...I pray that my mood will get better!

On another analyzing note...I have been taking estrogen vaginal inserts and wearing two estrogen patches. Well, lately I have been nauseous and has some not so fun bathroom moments..if you know what I mean. Plus I feel a bit bloated. I am worried that I am doing the whole OHSS thing again. Is that even possible now? I tried to google it, but no such luck. I go to the dr. on Mondays so I have held off calling them to ask. Oh and my ovaries are doing that sore thing again, but not as sore as with the ER.

Monday, April 20, 2009

prayer last night***updated later!!

I am sitting in bed lastnight praying and just chatting with God. I was probably more like talking His head off. When I realized that I am/was mad at Him. I have told myself before that I know it isn't His fault that we aren't pg. But I had to come clean lastnight and tell Him that I was a little bit mad at Him. I told Him that I did not understand why He would not give me a child...when He could see how much my heart was aching and breaking. And how I fear that this pain may change me for the worst. Let me explain that last one. Ya see I fear that all of these disappointments will make me bitter. I have always been able to put myself in other ppl's shoes and explain why they are acting the way they are acting. Even if they are doing something horrible...I can see their pain that fuels their behavior. Well, what if after all of this I am just a bitter old mean lady. I know it kinda sounds silly when I type it out, but lastnight as I was praying it was a very serious concern. SO I asked God about it. I haven't really gotten an answer yet....and it is hard, so hard to wait. I have NEVER been a patient person, but through all of this I am getting better.

I guess today is my day to wonder why...ask God for some kind of reassurance that I am on His path, some kind of guidance. I am scared that this is the time when He may be silent..and that terrifies me. I really need Him so much!!

I have asked for forgiveness for being mad at God and I really think that God understands...I am so not perfect!! Sorry for anyone reading this..I know I have been a downer lately.

My SIL just called me, she is going through IVF right now. She was suppose to do her ER either today or tomorrow, but they are telling her it may be this wkend. She is frustrated and scared. And she just needed to talk to someone that knew exactly where she was coming from. My heart knew exactly how she was feeling and I tried to reassure her and give her encouragement and mostly just listen. Then my brother called me and we he gave me encouragement. As we talked I realized something that was a gift from God. I realized that through this failed IVF my heart had been opened to something that it was not completely open to before. And that is adoption. I cannot believe it b/c before I did not want to fully give up actually carrying a child and having that experience. Now after my experience I have to wonder if that is where God is leading us. All I know is that I want to be a mother. And of course, I would LOVE to be able to carry my child and experience pregnancy, but maybe God has other plans for me. It has given me hope and a smile today. B/C I know that if this FET doesn't work we have a plan. And that maybe just maybe God is trying to guide us somewhere we never would have pursued otherwise. Adoption is expensive and I don't even know how we could afford it, but I am just going to trust and see where this takes us. I am still sad for what could have been and I don't get me wrong..if this doesn't work and we do adoption I will weep for the loss of being pg. But THANK the LORD...atleast I got some direction. Thank you so much Lord for giving me direction in this storm!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009


I am not sure how to explain my thoughts or feelings lately. I feel like I am in a whirlwind...that is overwhelming each thought or feeling I have by constantly adding to them. Since I don't know what the future holds I have been trying to prepare myself for so many is ridiculous. I look at my life and can't imagine not having kids. When I think about heart just screams inside...and breaks. I want for this FET to work so badly, that I find myself literally begging God.

Then there are parts of me that just wants to throw my hands in the air and yell as loud as I can.."I AM DONE WITH THIS". You know let (the dream) go before it hurts me again. I have found myself looking at people I grew up with and new friends on fcbook and it is so hard to see all those beautiful families. They are just living their lives and they have never even thought of infertility. I am sure they have their own heartaches..we all do, but of course I think of IF b/c it is my heartache. I picture my life...pregnant..hopeful. Then I picture being able to hold my baby and I can imagine the love that will come pouring out of me for this little miracle.

If I can see it..can't I have it?? I sure hope I can. I dread that it won't work and so that is why I am sad today. All I can see right now is disappointment. And all I want to picture is my sweet dream of my miracle. How can I let that fear go. I ask God daily to help me and He does. But it is a daily struggle. Maybe minute struggle better describes it.

Right now my regimen is: two estrogen patches every other day...estrace vaginal inserts twice a day, plus my asp. and pnv. So it isn't a tough regimen..and I am happy that it isn't. In another week I will add more to it. I have a midcycle appt. for the 27th and they expect my FET to be on May 4. Right now I am trying to decide whether or not to drive myself to the FET. Todd has to work and he has had to ask off so much lately, that I hate to make him do it again. The drive is about an hour and a half. Then todd will be home that evening and will be off the next day to pamper me :D What should I do?? I can ask a friend to take me. But that could be stressful.

Sorry I am jumping subjects so I said whirlwind!! I wanted to thank all of you SOOO much for your prayers and encouraging comments. I have NEVER felt so loved in my life and it has been a true blessing!!! Thank you from my heart..I love you all! And I really see how Christ unites us and makes us family!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

dr. visit...give a sister love ;D

Today we went to the doctor and started the process again! This time it seems to be easier b/c we have to just prep for the transfer and not an ER. Thank goodness, b/c the ER was tough on me. We have 3 frozen embryos and won't know how many they will transfer until the day of. Plus, they may not make it through the thawing process. So I am putting this in God's hands b/c there is NOTHING that I can do. I am still sad over what could have been, but I have been keeping busy and trying to let go.

That is all that is up with me...Please go to my friend, Bodhi ekaH's blog and give her some love..she isn't feeling so great right now :D I can relate to how she is feeling right now, b/c one date that keeps crossing my mind is December 16..which would have been my due date.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Today is a somber day. I am just plain sad. And I am okay with it. I had this timeline of only letting myself grieve for one day and then move on, but my heart has other I am going with it and trying to let myself heal.

My Re called me yesterday. And I asked him if he thought it would be better to go right into a FET or to wait and take a break. He said that it was totally up to me and how I was emotionally. So I have been praying for God's guidance on what to do. Part of me wants to jump right back into it and get going. Part of me wonders how I am doing emotionally. I feel like I could do it, I guess I just need to know how I would be if it didn't work again. Maybe that is what he means..the dr. Will I totally lose it...probably. But I have to try, right?

Plus I feel better when I am doing something...or atleast I feel like I am being productive. The most ridiculous thing is that I think about this vacation we are taking in June. Todd and I will go down to the beach two days before his family and then we will be there with them in a condo. Last year we went and it was bitter sweet, I got to have so much fun with my nephews and family, but it made me constantly think about how I don't have any kiddos. This time I was so psyched that just maybe when we went to the beach...I would be pg. Which gets me finally to my point. We go on June 19..and I am wondering how that date goes into play with us doing a frozen cycle right away. I am not sure how long a frozen cycle takes...and what if I am only a few weeks pg for the trip. I will be terrified of driving 6 hours....I will worry that I will miscarry. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but this is how my brain works. I guess I am always finding something to worry about. Go figure.

Enough about that. So far AF is here and in full force..unfortunately. My nurse made me an appt. for tomorrow to do a baseline. Also, I get to bug my doctor with tons of questions that I know he cannot answer, but will ask him anyways. Before I have left taking a break up to God, so I will do the same again. (before I ended up having a cyst that needed time to go away) So we will see what tomorrow holds. I hope my mood is better tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

easter pics and anger

Let me start off on a happy note and share some pics from Easter :D

with toby

with my sissy

with my momma

my nephew caleb

my other nephew Jake

My neecy poos!

Now here is the low down!
I must be going the stages of grief pretty fast. B/c today I am angry. I am not angry with God. Although I have been before, I am just plain angry. It has been one of those days when nothing seems to go right. Even the smallest things like sunglasses...long story. Also, I am sure that it doesn't help that I am having the WORST case of PMS ever!! The thing that started it all was my stupid thick hair. My hair is super thick and my straightener is trying to die on me. I have had it for 5 years so I guess it is time to replace it, b/c it just won't get hot enough to tame my fro :D

Then my anger just grew from there and before I knew it I was cranking up the music and screaming along to it....and then when Maggie wouldn't come out from under the bed..I just lost it. And fell to my knees and had a good cry. Poor mags was so confused. I am angry that I am not pregnant. That this did not work. I am soooooo mad...I won't have a baby on Christmas...AGAIN!!!!! I have to look at stinkin and and see all of the stinkin Easter pics of precious families and I just want to scream!!

I hear desperation in my voice as I pray for help. Yesterday I was a bit numb and sad and today I was angry and now the true emotion is coming out..pain. Behind anger there is always pain. That is one thing I learned as a counselor. Really my emotions are all over the place. It is so confusing, b/c I am in pain and miss my baby(ies). then I have a peace about the future and it normal to have both??

Also, I have this question. about my babies. there were two perfect saw the picture. they existed and they were alive. does that mean that they are in heaven with our Lord? I think they are. He knew us before we were in our mother's womb..right? So they are up there and they are being taken care of by the best angels ever. I still love them so much and miss them.

Monday, April 13, 2009

My heart is broken!!!

Today's weather should've been enough to know what news was ahead. It has been raining here all day and it has been raining hard. We went to the dr. and I gave some blood and we battled the rain and went home. The nurse called and it was negative. I am not pregnant. I never was.. My heart breaks for my babies. What happened, what went wrong. The nurse said that the doctor and embryologist will go over my file, but she said that she looked over it and didn't see anything wrong. I was told to call after my full period comes and make an appt. for a baseline ultrasound and to ask the doctor TONS of questions. I can't exactly imagine this not working AGAIN! The thought of what to do...when...etc. terrifies me!!

I have been praying and one thing I talked to God about was how this fork in the road was coming up. One way was me pg and having this baby(ies) right before the Lord's precious birthday. The other way was unknown and I wasn't pg in it. I couldn't see down that path at all. Not even a glimpse. So I asked God two different things based on each path. I asked for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child(ren) on one path. And I asked for comfort and a glimpse for the other path.

So now I am on the OTHER path. I need to know that I am doing what God wants me to do. Does He want us to do a FET with our 3 embryos??? I just don't know. Right now my heart is so broken and I am lost. I do know that God has been looking out for me by having all of YOU send me so much love and encouragement over the past few weeks. And I cannot express how much that has meant to me!! My mind isn't working too well, so I am going to go...and weep...and hopefully get back up and fight some more!!! I pray that God lets me know if I am on His path.

Love y'all!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

PLEASE PRAY!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning VERY EARLY to take Todd to get his wisdom teeth taken out and saw that I was spotting. All at once my world was spinning and the only word that would come out of my mouth was no! So we called todd's mom and she jumped up and took him for me. I was scared to get out of bed, so I stayed in bed til they got back. When they got back I had still not heard from my nurse so I was just praying that the note I had from after the ET was right. It said that 50% of women spot on the day of their pg test. And today would've been mine, but I changed it to take Todd to the doctor.

The nurse called and told me to take a hpt. Which TOTALLY freaks me out. And of course, I took two, and they were negative. When I FINALLY talked to her again she told me that the tests were probably right but I would still need to come in on Monday and get bloodwork and and ultrasound done. I am still spotting, but it is not heavy. And as far as the color, it isn't bright red, but not real brown either. SO that doesn't help me much. I spent most of the morning crying. God blessed me by having Todd's mom here and my Best friend too. They comforted me when Todd was totally out of it from his surgery. Bless his heart, he was trying, but he was all druged up and out of it.

IT is weird b/c this morning the song..Leaning on the Everlasting arms came to my mind. I know with Faith, she heard Blessed Assurance. And I truly think that was God comforting me this morning. I am pretty heartbroken, but I look at those pictures of the embryos and I can't quite give up on them. SO I am waiting until Monday to declare defeat. I believe that God can do anything and a miracle could happen on Monday. If not, then I will have to weep for a while and then trust God's plan. I had so much hope about this and it is so hard. Right now I am numb and trying to just not think about it.

So please pray for us. Pray for a miracle. Pray for us to find comfort in God's answer. With it being Good Friday. I can imagine how the disciples felt and how much pain they were in about the upcoming days, but Sunday Jesus Rose!! From the dead and changed our futures forever! He would never give up on us, so I am NOT giving up on my babies either!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

twinges and prayer requests

Okay, I have survived two more days of waiting. And it hasn't felt so badly. I had fun with my friend and my sis! Today I am having some weird feelings in my belly. Of course, I am analyzing every twinge. Is it AF it an ectopic pg, is it a miscarriage, is it the baby(ies) growing?? I really don't know, but I want to tell you how it feels. pick up your index finger and poke yourself in the stomach...just about where your left ovary would be then move inward a bit. It feels like I am poking that area and not letting up. Of course, don't hurt yourself by doing this fun exercise :D But you get the idea. It just feels like some pressure...not really cramping. It is hard to describe. I was at first scared that I have been doing too much, but I don't think I have. Mainly I have been hanging out...did a little shopping...and went out to eat a few times. I didn't do anything strenuous. So I am not even going there.

Tomorrow I am taking Todd to get his wisdom teeth, so please keep him in your prayers. Also, a blogger friend, Faith, just found out that she wasn't pg after IVF, please go and give her some love..this is so heartbreaking...and she needs our prayers!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sisterhood Award :D

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

The ten blogs I wish to nominate are:

1. Sarah- who nominated me for this award and has been such an awesome support for me during IVF. She is hoping for a BFP from a FET so go give her some love!!
2. Nity- who has been my constant go to person about everything!! She has been so supportive and she lifts me up when I start to doubt. She is pg and I am loving it! She will be one rockin awesome momma!
3. Shauna- who has so much faith in our sweet Lord that it just motivates me to have more. She has also been my go to person to bug with all my crazy questions and ups and downs from all these meds. She is pg and I am excited for her too. She will be another rockin awesome momma!
4. Nichole- She has been so loving and comforting to me. She has such a big heart. She is so open and honest on her blog and I totally admire her. Her sweet little baby went to heaven and would have been born on Easter go and give her some love and support during this difficult time!!

Okay I know I am suppose to do 10, but this is tougher than I thought. Don't get me wrong it isn't tough to talk about these marvelous is just tough to post links and such. So I am stopping at 4...there are more....sorry don't hate me.

SO thank you sweet girls...y'all are amazing...and I COULD NOT do this without y'all. HUGS AND LOVE!!!!!

Plans and Pictures :D

Plans for today...

This is a picture of one of my best friends and I. She's coming down to see me today and I am so psyched to get to catch up with her :D We went to grad school together and were friends from the start. She is one of the most genuine and nicest person I know. Her love for the Lord shines so bright through her!!

Plans for tomorrow...

This is a pic of me with my brother and sister. They are awesome!! My sister is coming over tomorrow to kick back with me and watch some movies. One we will watch has Pa.trick Dem.psey in it..Mc.dreamy...and I can't wait :D We haven't been able to just hang out...just a while. So it will be nice to do that. My sister is really my older twin. Except, she got all the energy in the family. She is an awesome mother and I hope one day I can give her some neecy poos and/or nephews of her own.

So I have survived so far and am still counting down the days til next Monday!!! I found an old book I bought...when we first started TTC. It was a pregnancy journal..I dug it out and looked through it lastnight. I know...I am jumping the gun. But I really feel pg. And like I have been told I am PUPO...pregnant until proven otherwise. Four more days...I don't count today or Monday..makes it sound closer :D

Oh and I could not forget what I am doing on Friday. My sweety is getting his wisdom teeth taken out. One cut out and two pulled. So I will be taking care of him all weekend, which will help me not think about Monday. He is nervous so please pray for everything to go smoothly and that he doesn't get dry socket. That would suck!!!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Tomorrow is Half Way Down!!

Tomorrow will make us half way to an answer :D Yes, I am soo counting the days and ready for April 13 to be here already. I haven't been totally obsessing, but just a little bit. I am so psyched to report that I have had some peace with me lately. Like in my previous post..all I am doing is looking to the Lord. So when I get worried or nervous...or scared..I just focus all of my attention to Him. The Lord has been good to me and I will praise Him even if this doesn't work.

Lately I have been totally chilling. I went to meet my sister, my mom, and my neecy poos yesterday to eat lunch. It was nice to get out of the house and my sister and mom kept warning my nieces not to jump on me or ask me to hold them. It is so hard for me to say no to them. They are so sweet. I asked them if they wanted a girl cousin or a boy cousin..and they both agreed on a girl. They are girly I wasn't surprised. They looked at me and then my stomach in a funny way when they heard I could be having a baby. I am sure they think..where is her tummy?? They are just precious. I can't wait to see my child playing with them.

I also had a talk with my nephew. He wanted to make sure that I knew that I could still play with him when we have a baby. He loves to play with Todd and me. He even has to sit in between us when we go out to eat. I could just eat him up. He was so cute at first b/c he thought that we were having two in my belly..and one in Todd's belly. I just agreed with him and let his mom deal with that discussion :D Every night he prays for us...and you know you just couldn't ask for more love. We have been so blessed with our nephews and nieces. We have two nephews and two nieces. So it works out perfectly....and I get the best of both worlds. Having them in my life has made this process of being IF so much easier. There were days when I was so down and heartbroken, and all one of them had to do was give me a hug or say they loved me and I instantly had a smile on my face.

I have always been drawn to kiddos. I can just relate to them..they are so genuine and loving. You don't have to look the part with just have to play :D or be silly. I always gravitate towards children..I guess that is why I got my degree in school counseling. I miss my kids at the school. I loved listening about their lives and showing them that they were special and important. I guess that is why I am so dedicated to having a child of my own. I have so much love to give.

I did something...kinda..crazy. I am actually ashamed that I did this, but I found a due date calculator for IVF. And according to due date would be Dec. 16. Right before Christmas...which would be AMAZING. What a precious Christmas gift. It just shows you how awesome God is..he knows what you need and then HE gives you even more!!!

Love to all!! And sorry about my rants...just another week to put up with them :D

Friday, April 3, 2009

Looking toward the Lord!!

Okay..I can safely check off meltdown on my to do list :D

The past few days were rough. Thank y'all for your encouragement and love. It really made me feel better!! After I wrote my post..I went into my living room with a purpose. To open my bible and hear God. Well, my stinkin bible was upstairs and I am trying to avoid going up and down the stairs alot right now. But then, I looked down and saw a book a friend gave me called Stream.s in the Des.ert I immediately jumped to April 2 and then was led to read April 1st instead. And it was God who was leading me. This is what that date said:

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him." (Job 13:15)
"Because I know whom I have believed." (2 Timothy 1:12)

I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea
Come drifting home with broken masts and sails:
I will believe the Hand that never fails,
From seeing evil works to good for me.
And thought I weep b/c those sails are tattered,
Still I will cry, while my best hopes lie shattered:
"I trust in Thee"

I will not doubt, though all my prayers return
Unanswered from the still, white realm above:
I will believe it is an all-wise love.
that has refused these things for which I yearn:
And though times I cannot keep from grieving,
Yet the pure passion on my fixed believing
Undimmed will burn.

I will not doubt, though the sorrows fall like rain,
And troubles swarm like bees about a hive.
I will believe the heights for which I strive
Are only reached by anguish and by pain:
And though I groan and writhe beneath my crosses,
Yet I will see through my severest losses
the greater gain.

I will not doubt. Well anchored in this faith,
Like some staunch ship, my soul braves every gale:
So strong its courage that I will not fail
To face the mighty unknown sea of death.
Oh, may I cry, though body leaves the spirit.
"I do not doubt," so listening worlds may hear it,
with my last breath

An old seaman once said, " In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." And this, dear Christian, is what you must do.
Sometimes like Paul you cannot see the sun or the starts to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.
You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the LORD. And then, come what may--whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers--you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus.

After reading this.. I knew that all I had to do was focus on the Lord! Which is so easy!

Right now I am feeling better...emotionally and spiritually..and physically. I am not bloated anymore which leads me to believe that I don't have OHSS. Or if I do it is mild. So thanks for the prayers..I love you all!! We will be doing our beta on April 13. We were suppose to go on April 10, but Todd is getting his wisdom teeth taken out that I figured whats two more days..right? I know..a lifetime..hehe

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I'm Scared!

Right now I am fighting fear! We just got the call and they said there are 3 embryos frozen. Which is good b/c we didn't want an enormous amount just in case these two guys took this time. B/c we would not want the embryos destroyed at all. I would have tried to carry all of them if I could..of course not at once...but you get the idea. We both believe that their lives have already begun.

Let me go over the last few you can see where I am coming from. Well, the first day after ET...I rested the morning and then met a friend for lunch. While I was showering I felt so weak and shaky. I just chalked it up to sleeping through bkfast. Then when I was eating with my friend she said...hey I can't believe you are out...I can't believe that you weren't told to be off your feet for a few days. That sent me into PANIC mode!! I thought oh no..maybe I should be off my feet. But the dr. and nurses didn't tell me to stay off of my feet. So that started a heated debate in my head.

Then I started thinking again..which is never good. The embryologist never told us what grade or whatever they call it that our embryos were. So were they trying not to tell us bad news. Yes, I guess when doubt starts it pours with me. Thus began the search online for pics of embryos..and comparing them to ours. Look at me, I am already a horrible mother. Shouldn't I just be happy with our sweet precious babies?

I mean here I was all full of hope and ready for God's plan before the ET. Now I am falling apart slowly. I am terrified of not being pg. I know that I will make it through and I will totally lean on God. I just REALLY don't want to go through that. I can only imagine the pain!!

Also, I am not sure if I have a mild case of OHSS. It has been weird lately. Yesterday I woke up and weighed myself (I did it first thing that morning with no food in my system)...and I weighed 126.5. Then lastnight I weighed myself and I was 131. I was SOOO bloated. But I have had no problem tinkling and I am drinking the heck out of gat.orade..still!! Then this morning I woke up and wasn't as bloated...and weighed 129.5. Go figure!! I am also nauseous and have had some off and on mild cramping. I am thinking that the nausea is due to the progesterone 3x a day. I just have so many questions. Should I just call my nurse?? The only question I care about..she can't answer. I hate this!!!!!!

Here is my plan. Call the nurse. Then go to the word of God for comfort. I pray that I can find it. Please pray for my sanity :D