Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What if God was one of us?

I cannot get that song...What if God was one of us...out of my head!!!

The other night I finally gave over my struggle to God. Throughout all of this journey I have always looked ahead and worried that I might get to that point where I wouldn't be able to pick myself up. You know like if IVF doesn't work...what will I do. And I mean that will I handle it. For so long, I said of course I trust God, but then would find myself begging Him in prayers for a child. Like..all out...begging. Imagine a child who really wants some candy at the grocery store check out line. You have seen this child. Kicking and screaming to get her way. Yep, that would be me.

Then I just realized that no matter what..God would be there. God has a plan. A plan I have not seen or know anything about, but it is His plan for me. It was like I breathed in and then exhaled the grip I tried to hold over this. And trust me, I am no saint. I still worry. I still doubt. But then I have to remind myself of God's love and His plan. I think that this is going to be a daily struggle.

Like right now I have been super down. I know it maybe due to the meds. I just can't get out of my head. And there is this one thing that is bugging me. Remember me telling you about a friend of mine that got pg the first month of trying..which also was the first month of her marriage. It was so hard to hear her tell me b/c I was dealing with all the financial stuff with IVF and not sure if we were going to get to even do IVF. Well, I haven't talked to her since then. She is a very close friend, but everytime I try to pick up the phone I just don't know if I can do it. I really want to make sure that she is doing well and that the baby is healthy. She has some health problems and that concerns me. I have been praying for her and I pray that she is not mad at me or hurt by me not calling. But then again..she hasn't contacted me either. I don't know what to do. I know that my heart is telling me to call her and that God will help me deal with the can of emotional worms I open up. What would y'all do??

On the IVF front..I am awaiting more meds. They are going to deliver them anytime between 8 am and 3 that narrows it down..hehe. It is already 2 I am thinking more like 3. I go to get my baseline next Tuesday and hope to hear that all is a go. I have stopped my BCPs..Thank God. And have tried to remember my shots every night. I am getting more and more forgetful these days. And I was already forgetful before. So as you can see I live, breath, and eat IVF. It is what I am consumed with right now!


Leslie Laine said...

Glad to hear that your IVF is moving along.

I like what you're saying about God - these are similar thoughts to what I've been thinking lately. I'm working on putting this whole thing in God's hands because I just have no control over it.

As for your friend, I would give myself a break and let myself focus solely on my IVF for now. I have that same thing going on in my life - a good friend of mine is pregnant for the second time, and I'm taking a break from the situation to focus on what I need to do. She understands, and I know that we'll come back together when the timing is better. It's just too hard for me right now.

Wishing you the best.

Michelle said...

Sometimes it is so hard to just let go and let God. I struggle with it all the time. I am praying for you!

BTW I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award.