Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Stressed, but thankful!

You know my IVF nurse really doesn't want me to stress....but!!!

It is kinda hard when I am suppose to start taking Lu.pron TOMORROW and the pharmacy is still working out the insurance stuff. She has had almost two weeks to get all of this stuff done. And of course everything is sent in at the last minute and I am freaking out. I talked with the pharmacy all day long trying to get it all straightened out. Plus the BCPs are making me feel HORRIBLE. I was spotting today and cramping a lot. I was also super tired and really not wanting to deal with ppl at all.

Then I thought everything was done with the meds and the pharmacy calls again and says that three meds need prior authorization first. Guess which one was on that list..yep..Lu.pron. So I had to pay FULL price and get it shipped in time for tomorrow...and then I am going to have to file it myself on my insurance. GRRRR!!

I talked to my IVF nurse and made sure that my spotting was normal...even though I am not done with my BCPs. Tomorrow I will start the antibiotic and Lu.pron. I am excited, but nervous. I just hope I can get back in the swing of injecting myself. I am praying that I feel better tomorrow so I can get some things done around the house. I have tons of laundry to just piles up so quickly..and the house really needs a good cleaning. And that is my job, so I wanna be good at it ;)

I am still struggling with my diet. (I am suppose to be on a low carb diet for my PCOS) I just can't seem to find much to eat that A) I like and B)that is not full of carbs. It seems like lately that is all I want...Tons of carbs. Especially since the BCPs make me the only things that sound good are the bad stuff. Of course, that is how I have eaten for 28 years so it is kinda hard to change. For example, I love eating a hot bkfast. I just can't get used to yogurt or some dried oat bar. I love eating my maple and brown sugar oatmeal or some yummy cheese grits. Which both are not really on my "can eat" list. I really wish I had one of those lists..b/c I don't and when it comes to food I am an idiot. I mean seriously..I am an emotional eater and I really enjoy eating. I have just never been a salad only girl! And now I can't have a baked potato so what the heck am I going to eat. I am really going to work on this...if it kills me. We'll...see

All in all, I know that this is going to be stressful at times! I am so blessed to be able to get on here and vent! Lord, thank you for even allowing me to get the chance to do IVF. I know that not many ppl can do this and for that I am so grateful!! Thank you for all of my fellow sisters in IF. Please bless them all on their journey and help us to trust Your plan for us. Give us all the strength we need to keep on keepin on! I love You so much! In Jesus' precious name..AMEN!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A woman on the PILL!!!

I am a woman on the PILL!!! And I can SO tell it. Man do I have some emotions right now. Today I realized that I have been know...starts with a b..has itchy in it. There is just this new sauciness inside of me that is ready to come out. I can't wait to be done with these BCPs. I have been super emotional and then super enraged. I felt my blood pressure rise really high tonight over NOTHING!!

Today was going to be fun. Todd was off and we were going to enjoy doing something. And the day started off good. We both decided to get some bkfast in town and it was yummy. I was doing so good and so motivated to be productive today. Well, that went right out the window when we got home. I had a full stomach and I was wrapped up in a cozy blanket on our comfy I fell asleep. Just a little nap, right? Only if you wake up on the right side of the couch. And apparently I did not!! I woke up and was the opposite of motivated. I was just BLAH!!!

Then we discussed what to do...FOREVER. We couldn't figure out what we really wanted to do b/c we both were so blah. We thought of going to the movies..maybe window shopping..who knows. It is that kinda boredom when you realize that sometimes idle time is not so good. And then you wish you were parents and didn't have any idle time. Thinking that made me sad...of course...stupid hormones.

Which led to worrying that our IVF wasn't going to work. And worrying what I would do if it didn't. Then worrying that maybe the IVF not working was this way that God's was showing me to trust him. I was ALL thoughts....ALL worry..and ALL emotions. It seems like everything I see or read is a sign. A sign of whether or not IVF will work. It is like I am constantly picking the pedals off of a will won't will won't work...AHHHHHHH!!!

Okay raise your hand if you will be happy when I am off BCPs????? Me too. Sorry for the craziness..I am on drugs you know..hehe

Sunday, February 22, 2009

My head didn't explode..Thank God!!

Thank you to everyone with those great ideas. After some much needed time with a humidifier I feel so much better. I don't think I will ever sleep without my humidifier. I love that thing!!! I just call it Hummy...the Humidifier. He is my new friends :D hehe

I feel so bad for Todd, he is so sick right now. He either has food poisoning or a stomach bug. He has been throwing up for a few days, but he is STUBBORN and still goes to work. When he came in last night I just made sure to baby him a lot. This morning before he went to work I fixed him some oatmeal..but he just couldn't stomach the texture. So I came back with some toast. He ate one and a half pcs. I was so proud of him. I told him that he better watch out b/c I have loads of mothering just built I will unload it all on him :D I even drove him to work today..I was scared that he might pass out while driving. The poor thing hasn't hardly eaten anything in the past few days and I just can't get him to stay home and rest. He is determined. Hopefully with a little tender lovin care and some answered prayers he will get to feeling better soon!! Okay now I have to show off a little. Here is a pic of my sweetie pie with one of our nephews! Aren't they cute!!

So other than being a doting wife I have been just taking things one day at a time. It is amazing how much easier it is to take that kind of pace. Hopefully, next week we will start the antibiotics and I will start the Lu.pron. I am looking forward to stopping the BCP. Which will be March 2nd...YAY!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

My head is going to EXPLODE!!

I have never been so stuffy in my life. It is so hard for me to explain my symptoms b/c I never get all dried up..usually my nose is running like crazy. I deal with allergies A LOT!! And usually just take some meds and it is gone. Well, right now I feel like my head is going to explode. My nose isn't the least bit stopped up..but it just feels like there is no water in my head. Does that make sense. I have the WORST headache and a sore throat. Since I am on BCP and starting the process of IVF I haven't taken anything for this. I just got one of those nett.y pots and told Toby to get a humidifier after work tonight. I allowed myself to have some cough drops to help with the sore throat.

I almost couldn't take it anymore, so I called my nurse. She wasn't there so another woman called me back. I had left MY nurse a message telling her that I wasn't sure if I could take anything b/c I had started my BCP..thus starting the IVF process. But I didn't say thus starting the IVF process. So when the other woman called back she said you are fine to take ad.vil with your BCP. I said Thank God..then hung up before saying...wait what about...

So here I am stuck feeling like CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
Does anyone know of any other home remedies??? I am desperate. I even read on one website that sniffing an onion would help. I plan to wait a little while more before I do that. I am going to eat at tonight so maybe that will get my sinuses flowing.

BTW these BCP...are mean. One of their side effects is stomach pain. Yeah, like someone is twisting your ovaries pain. But I am going to be strong and get through this. I mean come on this is only the beginning. I have to keep it together.

Also, FYI I just signed up to be a "clicker"..and am learning how to do please give me a little bit of time to feel better and figure all this out.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sing His Praises!!

It never ceases to amaze me when God answers my prayers. It isn't that I think He isn't capable of answering them, it is just that He answered my prayers. It amazes me that I am even the least bit important to Him. I feel like God has been acting so powerfully in my life. I have recently started to really read His word and try to become a better student of His teachings. I have also started to pray more and I really feel more of a closeness with that I don't think I have felt before. I honestly wasn't doing any of this for any reward from Him or a pat on the back. I did it b/c I need Him and I want to show God that He is important to me.

I have some praises to sing now!! My sister in law..which is more my blood sister to me in every way. Well, she lost her job not too long ago. It was not a good time for her and my brother b/c they had just decided to do IVF. Which we all know costs some BIG BUCKS!! So they were in a limbo waiting period and all the while we would talk and I could feel her heart. She is so strong, my sister. She trusts God and knows He has the best in store for her. Of course, me I was trying to find a way to fix it all! But she held strong and kept her head up and she just kept on going. Not to mention me...who is starting IVF. Which couldn't have been easy to hear about.

I had read that I should start writing down my prayers so that I could see how much God really answers pray. So I did...and my sister has her job back. It was the BEST news ever this morning. She called me and told me and all I could think was...THANK YOU GOD!!!!! I have to admit that I have been a bit skeptical on God answering prayer...especially my prayer. And I try to tell myself that my time and God's time is so different. So I really didn't expect such a speedy response.

I am so thankful!!! God is amazing and never ceases to amaze me!!! Thank you Lord for giving sissy's job back and giving me more hope. Thank you for teaching me Your word..Your truth. One day that truth will set me free :D

Also, I am still trying to figure out why, but God has been showing me the lesson in I Samuel about Hannah. It is a great story and very inspiring and if you get the daily double portions you have already read it. But I read it in this workbk I am reading then it was in the ddp too!! So go and read it and be inspired and humbled! B/c I know every one of us has a "pearl" in our lives!!

Here is the ddp: A Profile of Peninnah
1 Samuel 1

Hannah’s quest for child was not just a bump in the road. It was a full blown detour in the plan she had mapped out for her life! 1 Samuel 1:7 tells us that Hannah would go to the house of the Lord to worship year after year. Every time she went, she carried a heavy heart with her. Her womb was silent, but her rival, Peninnah, was not! Peninnah would purposefully hurt Hannah because she knew Elkanah loved Hannah. She used the most powerful weapon in her arsenal: her children.

Peninnah’s name spoke volumes about her character. Peninnah actually means pearl. When you learn about this bitter woman, you’ll probably not think of a pearl as a beautiful gem that adorns precious jewelry. Rather, think of what causes a pearl to develop. A tiny grain of sand finds its way into a oyster’s shell and causes an irritation. The oyster reacts to the irritation and coats the source with a lubricant. Eventually, this irritation produces a pearl. Peninnah had no idea—and no intention—of producing a great pearl in Hannah’s life.

Imagine this scene: Hannah walks into the room, eyes red and puffy from hours of pleading with God again. Peninnah sits with her newest infant latched onto her breast and eyes Elkanah for his reaction. He looks at Hannah and his expression is pained due to the suffering of his darling. He begins to prepare Hannah’s dinner. Maybe this will help her feel better. He scoops up a double portion for his love. Peninnah sees it all and feels a twinge of rejection in her heart. “My, my! How beautiful this baby is!” A tiny grain of sand finds its way into Hannah’s heart. Don’t you agree Hannah? He looks just like his father, Elkanah!” Another grain of sand. “There’s nothing quite like snuggling a tiny baby next to your heart, is there, Hannah? Oh, that’s right! You have given Elkanah no child! How the Almighty has forgotten you!” Hannah could surely have built sand castles in her heart!

Can you imagine?

Maybe you can. “I guess I’ll never get grandchildren from you!” A tiny grain of sand finds its way into your heart. “At least you can go on vacation any time you want!” Another grain of sand. “I know how you feel. It took six months for me to get pregnant!” Is there any end to the irritation of the heart? “You should be grateful for what you do have.” Just hand me a shovel!

The infertile heart is so vulnerable. Well-meaning people say hurtful things. Most of the time, people don’t intend to hurt us like Peninnah meant to hurt Hannah. However, if you someone accidentally drops a brick on your foot, your foot still hurts regardless of their intent!

If there is an abundance of Peninnahs in your life, perhaps you’ll find a couple of passages of Scripture to be healing to your hurting heart. Psalm 34:18 says “the LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (or sorrows)”. If hurtful words have injured your heart, let the Lord come near to you and bind your wounds. He knows how to speak peace and restoration to the soul deeply touched by the pain of infertility and the words of the Peninnahs in our lives. Only God, the master jeweler, knows how to create beautiful pearls from irritating grains of sand!

You can sign up to get these via e-mail by going to

Monday, February 16, 2009

First Steps!!

BTW: First off..let me explain my comments thing. I changed it to where I have to approve comments b/c it helps me see when I do get a new comment so I am sure to read them all. So just wanted to let ya know :D Okay now back to our regularly scheduled program!!

My nurse summed it up when she said..she is used to dealing with some crazy women.

Let me explain, I was impatiently waiting for her to call me back and worried that the office was closed b/c of the holiday. So I debated on calling her again...or just calling and asking the receptionist if my nurse was there (that was Todd's idea). Then I just told myself to chill and wait...if she hasn't called by 3..then I will bug the heck out of her.

Luckily, she just called. And I am so psyched that I am finally starting this process..that I just bawled. I almost couldn't even listen to my instructions. She could tell I was super excited and just told me I was so crazy and she is used to dealing with some crazy women. And I bet she is..she is the IVF we are kinda already geared up and ready to go. Then you add a bunch of hormones..and watch out!!

It was funny b/c Todd said that during these processes...iui...etc. I become a DIVA. Yes a DIVA. That is definitely a word I would NEVER describe myself as. I am so quiet and I never want to ruffle any I was kinda proud..that I have it in me.

I am so pumped right now. I think I could take on the world. Our future beautiful..awesome...amazing..miracle could come from this. And my mood is good considering that AF is kicking my hiney. AF has made me super crampy...super nauseous, and super achy. She has hit me I guess she is telling me that she won't be around for...maybe...9 mos. So she is going to try and make me suffer now.

Just in case I forget. My instructions are to: pick up my BCP from the pharmacy and start them tonight. Then she is mailing me my to do list with further instructions and she will order my drugs. I feel like I am on a mission..hehe Sorry I am such a spaz right now.

Taking my first steps!!!!!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Hubby and Best Friend!!!

I cannot imagine going through all of this without such a wonderful hubby :D I have always known that I am blessed in the husband department and last night just proved me even more right. Todd and I started off our evening by visiting our neecy-poos. My parents were keeping them for my sis and we headed off to play for a while. I just love seeing Todd with the kiddos, he is so sweet and I can imagine him with our future kids. We had a blast with the they ate cornflakes and potato chips. It sounds gross, but I tried it and it was good..hehe

Then we decided to get a late dinner at our favorite me.xican rest. We sat at that rest. for hours just talking and having a great time. At one point I looked around and the only ppl left in the place consisted of a bunch of girls..obviously a girl's night out..and some various ppl on dates. I just is so awesome that my husband and I love to hang together and are truly best friends. He is such a blessing in my life. We ended up looking up songs online and we slow danced to was so was then that I realized I can do anything with him by my side. Then we heard a noise...and Maggie was chewing on the computer we stopped and had to get onto her. Then we just started laughing....we were in tears from our moment..then in laughter at Maggie just chewing away at our nice chair. I think she is preparing us for those kiddos...hehe

AF came this morning...and I am prepared for this road ahead. I am ready b/c I have the best person right beside me the whole way. I called the nurse...left a message...and hopefully she will give me my orders soon :D My biggest fear was what if this doesn't work, but I know I will make it...I have so much to make it for!!!


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A powerful verse!!!!

I saw this verse on another was actually a comment to this blog. It was so powerful to me...I just had to share!!
It is Matthew 26:39
" And he went a little farther and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am breathing again!!

Okay, I started breathing again today and feeling better. Today started out to be VERY confusing. We were dealing with insurance junk and trying to figure out the whole in network...out of network thing. We contemplated going to another doctor to save money, but then ended up realizing that we feel better with this doctor. Even if we have to pay is worth it. I think part of it is still the shock of doing IVF. You think you are ready...emotionally...there is still part of you that holds onto hope that maybe you don't have to do it. I guess I have been afraid. I know that I can not fear, b/c God is with me and will only give me what I can handle. I trust His judgement of that..even though sometimes I wonder!

So I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and know that we have a set plan. We are going to do this and we are going to pray it works. I know that there may be some unexpected bumps...and we may have to stop the process for various reason...but we are still going to think positive and keep on cruising.

God has been so good to me. He lets me vent and have my fit, then he helps me find peace when I feel so hopeless. I was reading the daily double portion...thanks Ibelieveinmiracles for the info. It said:

Do not worry…(Mt. 6:34) There are so many things you must think about when
you face infertility. Will we see a doctor, or will we try to conceive on our own? If we choose medical care, how far will we take it and where will the money come from? What if we conceive only to lose the baby? Worry can paralyze you! Jesus tells you not to worry because He knows He can carry you through whatever life throws at you--even infertility! If God is for you, who can stand against you? Even with the uncertainty of infertility, God has a plan for your life so you do not have to worry.

In your anger, do not sin. (Ephesians 4:26) It’s okay to be mad! There will be times in this infertility experience when you see everyone around you conceive and you are still waiting and all you want to do is “pitch a hissy fit” (as we say in the Southern vernacular)! Find a good, thick pillow and pound away!

Why does God post this warning? Because He knows anger can fester and become sin in your life and unresolved sin can give the devil an opportunity to destroy you. God loves you too much to let you run head-first into sin without posting a warning sign. Anger is an emotion we all have, but allow God to deal with you and don’t let your anger lead to sin.

Do not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not
grow weary. (Galatians 6:9) What are you doing right? Are you trusting God to bring you through this difficult season of your life? Don’t lose heart! Keep trusting! Do you keep picking up your Bible for answers, and bending your knee in prayer? Keep studying His Word and keep the lines of communication open with your Heavenly Father. Even when it is difficult and it seems that Heaven is silent (and we all have those times), don’t lose heart! You will reap a harvest if you stay faithful through this season. Who knows what kind of harvest our amazing God may give you? Your harvest may come in the form of peace, it may come in the form of a more intimate knowledge of God than you ever dreamed possible. Of course, every woman who struggles with baby hunger prays for a harvest of a child! Whatever the harvest God chooses to bless you with, don’t lose heart!

Here is the link if you wanna sign up for e-mails..pray for others..or send in prayer requests...and much more! Sarah's Laughter

I have thoroughly enjoyed and needed the encouragement through God's word...our truth that will set us FREE!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

My heart is broken..again!!

Today has been HORRIBLE!!!

Warning..this will be a long post. I have to vent my butt off. Let's start with IVF. Well, we just realized that we may be able to switch doctors and get more coverage on our insurance. Even though when I call my insurance company they say my dr. is in network..the financial lady at my RE's office disagrees. So I am STILL waiting on the insurance comp. to call me back. I am super stressed about having to start all over at another doctor's office and I pray that maybe this is just a mistake and can be fixed. This morning I told myself to just put it in God's hands..and I did.


I called a very close friend and my heart broke. If you are this friend reading this..please know that I am in a situation where I deal with grief daily...heck even hourly and I am not mad at you..I am mad at my situation. This is my place to vent. She told me she was pg. Hasn't been trying but a month...and I think I swallowed my tongue when she told me. Of course, I was happy for her, but all of my feelings about IF were just brought completely out of the darkness and right into me. I was driving, so I went to a friend's house and cried. Here I am trying so much to get a baby...and just when I think I may be able to grab onto a hope...the stupid insurance thing happens and then I am reminded that I may NEVER be pg.

I am really trying to not let this effect me, but it is so hard. I just want to ball up and hide. I really need some prayers right now. I am going to put this in God's hands and know that I can't do anything to change this. He is my rock!

Monday, February 2, 2009

We have been busy...but here is how the RE appt. went!!

WOW!! That didn't go the way I thought it would. We went to the RE this morning and had several appts. One with the RE, one with the IVF nurse, and one to discuss the financial part. I was amazed at how fast my RE came in and went over everything. I kinda expected it, but was hoping that he would slow down for this. He totally freaked us out by telling us that the % of development/disabilities with IVF babies are higher than average pregnancies. However, in the little book they gave said that there was NO difference. SO Todd called him out on it..then he was like well there are some studies that say yes and some that say no..yada..yada..yada. Well, then don't put it in the paperwork that you want us to read and study. Also, he informed me that he would only transfer two embryos, not four. Which is b/c of my age. I mean, come on my age hasn't helped me so far. I was a bit disappointed with that. And he said he could make the case for only one..if it looks good. It just scares me that it won't take. After this brief meeting we got to talk finances.

We were surprised that the price quoted to us before was a lot lower than the one we were given today. Don't get me wrong..some of our insurance covers the dr. and blood work b/c they just file it as a dr.s visit. So now we are going to have to figure that out.

Thankfully, the IVF nurse was AWESOME!! She came in and had us laughing the whole time. She put me at ease and took her time with us. She answered all of my questions. I was so happy after we saw her, but I was so overwhelmed about everything.

We have been so busy the past couple of days with an out of town wedding, hanging with fam and friends, and then this super early appt. I am just exhausted. Right now all I can think is that God is in control. Here is my list of what I cannot stress over and I have to put in God's hands:
1. How many embryos will be transferred or the one embryo that will be transferred
2. How many embryos may have to be frozen
3. My body over reacting to the meds and the RE calling off this cycle
4. Me driving my husband nuts b/c of all of the meds
5. Getting all the way through this and it not working
6. Being stressed over trying not to be stressed!! Yeah..I know crazy

SO there they are...I put them out I have to give them up. I may need to do this daily. The plan now is that I will call the IVF nurse after AF shows and she will start me on BC pills. Thanks everyone for explaining that to makes sense now. I guess I have to start taking my own advice and take it one step at a time :D

Here are some pics from the rehearsal dinner and the wedding :D

Me and Toby..just call me curly!

Loved the dresses

Me with Toby at the Rehearsal Dinner..Yum..good southern food!!

Dreading walking down the aisle...FIRST..and ALONE!!