Monday, January 5, 2009

Precious Grace from God!!

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful advice on whether or not to get a HSG and ck out my tubes :D I made an appt. for next week to talk with my RE and to figure out when it is best to schedule it. I told myself I was gonna call this morning, but totally chickened out. Then later in the day I finally got the nerve to just call. It couldn't hurt my situation anyway. I would say nothing could make it worse, but I don't want to tempt fate.

When I think about going back to the RE I am afraid. Just afraid of going through all of these motions and still not having the result of a precious child in my hands. For some reason I have been thinking about a long time ago when I went to the dr. for yet another ear infection. We were trying to conceive and never could have imagined the road that was ahead. The dr. took a urine specimen and the nurse told me there was traces of blood in there and that I was probably about to get AF. My heart sunk in that room...and when I returned to the car I prayed so hard for God to give me grace. That month was terrible...I missed AF, but wasn't pg..and was so distraught. I fell apart when my obgyn called and told me that my blood pg test was negative. I had to call her back after getting the message on the answering machine. I couldn't even talk to the receptionist b/c I was crying so hard...I just said the test has to be just has to be.

Here I was thinking that if AF never showed then I would get my miracle. Now looking back I could let myself be angry with God and I am sure I have been. But instead I just see how He was helping me. He knew I needed a RE and so..that event was what pushed me to change doctors and end up getting a referral to the RE. Looking back it was His plan all along...His grace was given to me, but I couldn't see it.

Tonight I have been wanting God's grace again. I could never explain what it was I really wanted or what I meant by God's grace. I just knew what I felt. This is what one of my fellow sisters (Shauna) had on her blog and I just LOVE it!!

-Grace is God giving to us something we need, that we'll never be able to get our own.
-Grace is what you get before you get the good news, it is what sustains you
-Grace gives hope when there is no hope
-Grace makes us stronger
-Many times grace is the only answer
-We need God's grace constantly and we receive it consistently

2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Lately...more and more. I am realizing that I desperately need God's grace. No one can give me peace, but Him. I have no more hope left in me and I really don't know what to do. I want a child so badly, but I fear that it won't happen. After so many let downs month after month after month...then it turns into years. You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Am I insane?? I heard that on a movie...can't remember which one.

Why does this have to be so heartbreaking?? Lord, please give me Your grace. I can't do this without You. I have lost all of my hope and I need You to help me restore my faith in this dream. This wonderful dream of seeing my daughter/son one day and feeling exactly what that stupid song says...a mother's love. Thank You for holding me up and carrying me. I love You so very much!! In Jesus name I pray..Amen!!


Michelle said...

Amen! I so know about being scared of going to the dr. everytime I get so nervous that I get sick to my stomach. It seems whenever I go I get nothing but bad news inter mixed with a few "Your ovaries look good" and "I see some good follicles" but I never hear what I want to hear. I hope God blesses us both...soon. I know it is plan I just really wish he would tell me what it would be helpful. But i guess then there would be no faith. UGH! This sucks!

I Believe in Miracles said...

What a beautiful post. It's amazing how God breaks us down to get us to trust him more. I'm praying that God sends you grace.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I'm glad I did - I love this post. I couldn't have said it better myself. You're on the right path, just keep trusting and believing and your blessing will be more than you ever imagined or hoped for.