Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Saline Ultrasound

I just got back from the RE and everything went well. He did the saline ultrasound and said that I was perfect. So phew...one thing down..a million more to go. He also informed me that we would have to meet with a counselor at least once before the IVF. Which I started freaking out..but luckily my awesome friend let me know that her hubby (a pastor) would do it. So I called the dr. and made sure I could use my pastor. My nurse said it was totally fine..so that was way easier than I thought. Which shows me that God is on board with us...things are just happening easily. And in my life that NEVER happens. Just ask Todd...I end up taking the hard road all of the time.

On our next appt. we are going to go over all the financial stuff, the IVF process in detail, and talk with my IVF nurse. I am assuming that is when she will give me the scripts to get filled. My RE mentioned putting me on bc pills. That kinda scares me...b/c of the stigma with bc pills. Did anyone else do this..did your RE tell you why? Mine is so fast with me and I am so absent minded that I don't get to ask all the things I would like.

After the appt. I went to pets.mart and bought Maggie a new bed for her crate and a chew toy that is suppose to help brush her teeth and manage her stinky breath. She is chewing on it like crazy as I type. I love going in that store and shopping..I could buy tons of stuff for my Mags. I am in a wedding this weekend so I will be occupied until my next appt.

Here is the verse I am working on remembering this week. It really means alot to me b/c in order to know the truth you must read God's word. I have found refuge in His word and it calms me and gives me peace. Just wanted to share :D
"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Impatient is my middle name...first name...and last name!!

I have always said that I was impatient. My Aunt Sue would always tell me that I could wait...when I groaned that I just can't wait any longer. I am getting better, but when I am ready to do something...I am like come on..let's go. And of course, starting the IVF process will be a waiting game.

We went to see our preacher and discussed IVF and all the moral issues. Like freezing embryos..etc. He pretty much agreed with us that we are okay in the moral department. He told us to make sure we were both on the same page..b/c I am on board...but Todd is taking his time. He has always been that way...he really thinks through stuff and wants to make sure he is listening to God and not himself. I wish I could be more like that, but I am too impatient to sit and think. So he plans to pray more about it and let me know. I do think we are leaning towards doing IVF. I mean, I do have an appt. on Tuesday to do that saline ultrasound. Toby has until then to decide for sure.

I really thought that as soon we decided to do IVF. We would set up the appt. and get started. However, it looks like this month is going to be a testing month. Saline ultrasounds...and tons of consent forms to sign. Then my RE will decide my regimen and HOPEFULLY next cycle we will start everything. I know there will be tons of drugs to order and lots of soreness from shots coming up. But I am sooo ready. Bring it on!! Plus, I have learned to give myself the shots..so I will be fine. I am going to put my all into this. Balls to the wall...isn't that a saying. Neways...you get the picture. Now that I am super pumped, maybe I should hit the gym. I will let y'all know how the dr.s appt. goes.. GOD BLESS!!!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Roller coaster

Things have been crazy lately. And I mean crazy emotional. I keep seeing car tags with BFP on them...it is driving me nutso!!! Then...the day I was throwing a friend a lingerie shower...AF shows. So I was sooo tired and hurting and I had to be a friendly smiling host..it was tough. AF is a witch on day one for me. I was blessed to have Todd drive me home after the shower. It was about an hour and a half away from our house. So I curled up in a ball and tried to sleep. The shower was great, well except for AF showing up...how rude she didn't even RSVP..hehe

Then this morning at church the preacher talked about prayer. Which made me wonder if I have been praying enough. Especially about the whole IF thing. He later announced a couple was pg...they had recently dealt with cancer and didn't think they could conceive again, but they did. I lost it when he said for us to pray. I just looked at Todd...he was so cute with his eyes closed...and I cried. I cried because I was happy for this couple. I cried because I was sad for myself. And I cried because I worried that maybe I wasn't doing something right with God or else I would be pg by now. Then I worried about IVF. Todd and I made an appt. with the preacher to talk on Wed. I want him to put us on the prayer list and talk about IVF. Then I will feel more peace.

I called the IVF nurse on Saturday, but the office was closed. Hopefully she will call me on Monday to set up an appt. for the saline ultrasound. Tonight I plan to take a hot bath and enjoy the heck out of it. I know that it may just be my last for a while.

Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up....but oh well what the heck....I have come this far...why the heck not. I have been daydreaming of having multiples. I really don't want multiples b/c I want to enjoy every second with the baby. But it would be okay if it happened. I guess reading my "magazine" that my RE gave me has me seeing double :D I will keep ya updated on the progress :D

Monday, January 12, 2009

IVF and it's mysteries!!

There is this idea of IVF. You start out without any knowledge of exactly what goes down. In my head IVF would magically produce a child. Of course, I knew it was a LONG and HARD magical road, but I could have never imagined. And I am sure I still have NO idea. I guess before it was a mythical creature to me like a unicorn. Something that I never thought I would experience first hand.

I went to the RE and he have me TONS of information on IVF and a video for Todd and me to watch. We started reading this magazine sized book of information with consent forms and warnings. Some of the warnings included: that during the egg retrieval the needle could rupture your bladder or other organs nearby. That one I kinda wished I didn't read. There were tons of this could happen..rare..but it could. So they are all covered in any case. They even have a consent form of what to do with the embryos if you and your partner die. Yes die!!! They have thought it all the way through.

Even thought there are so many what ifs...I still want to do this. Risks and all. I feel a sense of readiness that I can do this and I will. There was only one thing in our way. It is a BIG thing. We were worried about what God wants us to do. If he agrees with IVF. So we decided to pray for His will to be revealed to us. I am sure all of you know that when you get to this point you tend to question if God wants you to have a baby. I believe He has revealed to us that we have His blessing. I just started to think about it like this....It is not like someone is making an egg and sperm...they are just helping them get together. If a heart patient needed a stint or a new valve....the doctors would do that. I know it is somewhat different, but still the same concept, but I still pray for more guidance.

Now I am just waiting on AF and ready to get started. This month has been crazy. A close friend of mine is getting married and I have been SUPER busy. I hope waiting for my appt...isn't as annoying as the 2ww. With me all waiting is annoying!

Friday, January 9, 2009

IVF here we come!!!!!!

I know I said in an earlier post that we had decided to go to NYC in Feb..and do IVF in June. Well that is out the window. Of course everyday I have been questioning our decision and wondering if we should do IVF and save our money for possible future treatments. Then I talked it over with Todd, or Toby, that is what I usually call him. And we changed out minds. We both decided that having a baby TRUMPS everything and we should be smart and not just go off traveling and blowing money that we should save. Especially since we don't have much of that green stuff in the first place!!! Aren't we responsible :D So I am PSYCHED. I go to the RE on Monday and was gonna talk about my tubes..but I plan to also tell him we are ready for IVF. YIKES...I could be pg soon!! That would be AMAZING!!! Please keep us in your prayers. Love y'all!!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Precious Grace from God!!

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful advice on whether or not to get a HSG and ck out my tubes :D I made an appt. for next week to talk with my RE and to figure out when it is best to schedule it. I told myself I was gonna call this morning, but totally chickened out. Then later in the day I finally got the nerve to just call. It couldn't hurt my situation anyway. I would say nothing could make it worse, but I don't want to tempt fate.

When I think about going back to the RE I am afraid. Just afraid of going through all of these motions and still not having the result of a precious child in my hands. For some reason I have been thinking about a long time ago when I went to the dr. for yet another ear infection. We were trying to conceive and never could have imagined the road that was ahead. The dr. took a urine specimen and the nurse told me there was traces of blood in there and that I was probably about to get AF. My heart sunk in that room...and when I returned to the car I prayed so hard for God to give me grace. That month was terrible...I missed AF, but wasn't pg..and was so distraught. I fell apart when my obgyn called and told me that my blood pg test was negative. I had to call her back after getting the message on the answering machine. I couldn't even talk to the receptionist b/c I was crying so hard...I just said the test has to be wrong..it just has to be.

Here I was thinking that if AF never showed then I would get my miracle. Now looking back I could let myself be angry with God and I am sure I have been. But instead I just see how He was helping me. He knew I needed a RE and so..that event was what pushed me to change doctors and end up getting a referral to the RE. Looking back it was His plan all along...His grace was given to me, but I couldn't see it.

Tonight I have been wanting God's grace again. I could never explain what it was I really wanted or what I meant by God's grace. I just knew what I felt. This is what one of my fellow sisters (Shauna) had on her blog and I just LOVE it!!

-Grace is God giving to us something we need, that we'll never be able to get our own.
-Grace is what you get before you get the good news, it is what sustains you
-Grace gives hope when there is no hope
-Grace makes us stronger
-Many times grace is the only answer
-We need God's grace constantly and we receive it consistently

2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Lately...more and more. I am realizing that I desperately need God's grace. No one can give me peace, but Him. I have no more hope left in me and I really don't know what to do. I want a child so badly, but I fear that it won't happen. After so many let downs month after month after month...then it turns into years. You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Am I insane?? I heard that on a movie...can't remember which one.

Why does this have to be so heartbreaking?? Lord, please give me Your grace. I can't do this without You. I have lost all of my hope and I need You to help me restore my faith in this dream. This wonderful dream of seeing my daughter/son one day and feeling exactly what that stupid song says...a mother's love. Thank You for holding me up and carrying me. I love You so very much!! In Jesus name I pray..Amen!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

To go or not to go...that is the question!!!!

I can't remember if I have blogged about this or just dreamed about blogging about it. So sorry if I am repeating myself. I had this thought hit me. And I really haven't been analyzing getting pg. I mean, of course, I think about it. But I just kinda just sit and hope. My thought was that I should maybe go to my RE and get him to ck my tubes again. I say again b/c my OBGYN cked me in February...and told me that he could only say that my tubes would stay unblocked for 6 months. Also, not that I didn't love my OBGYN, but my RE is a bit more experienced in this area. I just want the dye test....not laproscopy!! That was HORRIBLE!! And just maybe I will get some good news...or maybe it will justify doing IVF. Do y'all think that goes against my break mentality if I go to the RE and get that cked out???????

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Wii Nite..Happy New Year!!

We had a Wonderful Wii Night with our Friends!!!

We had so much fun boxing...of course, I won..hehe I seem to be good at doing anything Wii style, but in real life I am way to clumsy and uncoordinated to do boxing or tennis or bowling...or anything sportsy!! I have other photos of our awesome neighbors/friends, but I really need permission to post them..so maybe later on I will.

A new year is here. SO now I must remember to write 2009 instead of 2008 on everything...it will take some time. I wrote 2007 on something the other day...I am losing it. But you all knew that anyway..hehe I have some minor goals this year...get fit....get content....get pregnant. That is all..hehe. But if I just had to choose one it the would be the last one. I am excited to see what this new year holds for us all. I am hoping TONS of BFPs. Oh yeah, as I was leaving target last night....I saw a car tag and on it was BFP. I hope that was a good sign. I hope everyone has an AWESOME 2009...Love y'all!!