Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What Would You Do???

I am feeling pretty bummed lately...and I have a feeling it is going around. It could be the recent holidays....and soon to be holidays. Thanksgiving was a blur to me. I kinda zoned out because I didn't want to feel the pain of not having a child...yet again. I just kept thinking where have I ended up. I started to have a mid-life crisis...and yes I am nowhere near the age to be having one. But ya know it makes sense. I am desperately trying to get pg and it never happens...so month after month after month I get my hopes up and then they come crashing down. Each time tearing more of my heart to pieces.

So I can see why I don't want to be myself anymore, ya know? I have had these ideas of dying my hair dark red (it is currently black), or taking a trip to New York with Todd. Which I will get to in a minute or another post. I find myself loving getting lost in movies and not having to deal with my world. I feel like I have lost the joy I had when I was so close to God and now instead I have tried to replace it with objects. New cell phone...etc!! Which of course only makes you happy for a while.

I am just soooo TICKED at INFERTILITY. IF can suck it.....excuse my language, but I am so angry and in so much pain. It is like I am screaming to get out of this, but I can't. I want a child...I want to get pregnant. I want all of this, but this road is tearing me apart. I ask God how much longer....or to give me a sign...or some hope. I haven't heard back yet. I am scared that I am going to keep going down this road and lose myself. Or maybe I already have.

I mean come on...I stay at home for a living. I don't have a job. I don't have any children to take care of. I am a LOSER!! I don't even have any good hobbies. I know I am blessed with such a wonderful husband who loves me so much...and I am very grateful for him. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because I don't have to work and I am blessed to stay at home. I could have a job that I hate and can't leave because of finances. I know, I know...but I am in a debbie downer mood.

Sorry this is sooo long, but I have a lot to say. The latest midlife crisis idea is for Todd and I to go to New York in March for our vacation this year. The problem is that we had planned to do IVF in Feb. So if we are planning on doing that we can't exactly afford both. Then there is the crazy chance that I would get pg from IVF...then I am not sure if we could go on the trip. I don't know about flying and being pg and if there are any rules. One option we thought of was to go to NY and then do the IVF in June after we get our taxes back. I just want to do something crazy and unlike me. Todd and I never get to do anything crazy like go to NY, because we are always thinking baby or going places with our families. We aren't like our other friends...well before they had a baby. They would go everywhere and really experience the world. Remember I am having a midlife crisis here. Luckily I don't have the urge to get a sports car...hehe Well, I found some humor in it all.

Neways...what would you do if you were in my shoes...seriously. Would you run off to NY, dye your hair, and then come back to reality in June with IVF???? Or just go with the original plan and pray it works?????

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Oh yeah, and by the way I changed my name on my blog to One step at a time.

7 comments:

Miss Mac said...

Being ticked is justified! Work (for me) is a distraction, but it's filled with reminders of IF too. Don't know what advice to give you about trip then IVF or IVF, but whenever you think the time is right, I'll definitely be praying it works:] It's time for a BFP for us GA girls!!! Feel free to email me anytime.
mmm_28@yahoo.com

I Believe in Miracles said...

I hear you on feeling bummed out. It sucks. The fact that your at home probably doesn't help much either. Ugh.

I'm a planner. I want things to be in order. I want things to work when they are supposed to, but with IF - and even as I've learned IVF - they don't. It's not on OUR time, it's on GOD's time. Trust me, His is better, but probably a heck of a lot more frustrating. There are so many times I just want a crystal ball to know what is going to happen - where am I going to be in 10 years. But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Bummer, huh?!

I don't know that God is going to "give you a sign." And you just need to pray, and figure out what He is trying to tell you. God loves you. He's holding you close, despite how hard this time is. He's been there. He loves us so much, he sacrificed his son for us. Think of how much we want children, and yet he gave that up for us! That's love for you. Don't lose heart, don't lose faith.

Personally, I would probably stick to the original plan. I'd try to do other smaller, less expensive things that might distract you. For instance, take a class, watch someones kids, volunteer at a charity shop, or something to get your mind off yourself and IF. I always find doing something for someone else is super helpful. You could also take a short weekend trip - find a B&B nearby or go to the beach on an off season.

And if you really want to hit the big city, email me. I know another city you could come visit...

Praying for you.
~~HUGS~~

Michelle said...

I hear you! IF SUCKS!!!!! I would probably stick with the original plan but maybe you need a break too. It might help to not think about it for a while. I am on break now and it is helping to not obsess every day about. I still think about but the pressure has not been on so much. Although I have to say I probably wouldn't be on as long of a break as I am on if I could afford to go further. Bottom line you have to do what is best for you both physically and especially mentally. Hang in there! You are not alone. ((HUGS))

Jewels said...

Oh - I'd love the idea of being able to Dye my hair and take off to New York, to be wild and crazy and NOT ME for a while.
But I also don’t know if I'd have the heart to do it. Maybe if I knew what was ahead (the IVF) but then again, sometimes it's easier to do what tortures us than to do what brings us joy.
I hope whatever you do, you find some comfort in the decision because either would be hard.

shauna said...

Dana, I think only you can decide what's right for you. My decision to do IVF was made for me when the doctor told me that's the only way we'd be able to get pregnant. I really just wanted it out of the way so I can move on. -(with a natural born child or not)- I totally get the way you feel. There's alot of lows and a few highs on this road we're all on. Last christmas was absolutely awful with my pregnant sister-in-law in attendance, and people telling me my day would come. I was absolutely miserable. If you need the break from trying -whether emotionally or physically- take it. I don't think we can tell you what you need to do. You'll know, and it'll be the right decision. Still prayin' for you. :)
-Shauna

A said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A said...

You know what it took me forever to learn? God will let you struggle until you really, truly let go and trust him. I would pray and pray but I still worried. It was amazing that the moment I finally said "you know what, i can't do this anymore...i quit", it seemed God showed up. And that is so much easier said than done because you really have to mean it. It's kinda like he sat back and let me wear myself out trying to solve my problems myself.

I hope you all the best.

P.S. DVRs kick buttocks!

smah