Monday, December 29, 2008

What I have learned in 2008

Christmas is over and the new year is already here. Another year has seemed so slow sometimes, but now that I look back it went really fast. Momma told me that when I got older time would fly. I guess that is good for an impatient girl like me, huh?

I figured out a few things this year and would like to share some :D The biggest thing I figured out is that relaxing and not thinking about ttc does not equal a pregnancy. I knew this was the case all along, but I finally got to prove my theory. Last month I didn't even now what cd I was on and I honestly didn't care. I took HOT baths, worked out when I wanted, and didn't time "fun" anymore. And here I am not pregnant. So there...when ppl tell you that tell them that there was this study called Just Relax...and the results showed that relaxing does not work. Then maybe I can help them get off of your backs...since I have had no such luck with some ppl in my life.

Okay onto the second revelation. Shopping can help when AF comes. I have found that when I find out that there will be no baby that helps me just endulge for a little bit on myself and then I can pamper me for a change. You know you need it. You have spent all month yourself shots, hormonal, crying, avoiding all the fun stuff, and by golly you deserve a shopping trip.

Then I learned something about myself. It may contradict somethings I have written in the past..but oh well. I actually like staying at home. Being a housewife suites me. I enjoy my freedom and not having a boss. I'm not the best at it. For so long I would beat myself up about it. Like I wasn't living out my womanly duties to get a job and be independent. Then there was the dreaded sigh when I told ppl what I did..that was hard to do. I began to explain my life history to strangers just so they would understand why I decided to "just" be a housewife. Now I am proud of it. I feel VERY blessed that I am able to be at home.

Even though I have all this new found knowledge...I am still sitting here trying to decide if I am making the right decisions in my life. Well, I want to make the ones that lead to a baby. And I am constantly wondering if I should do this or that. Right now I am wondering if I should make sure my tubes are clear once again. Also, I am debating getting acupuncture. I guess it couldn't hurt :D

Friday, December 19, 2008

Merry Christmas With Love!!!

Merry Christmas Y'all!!!!
I really cannot believe that next week is Christmas. Usually I say that time flies, but it truly has this time. It was like hey Thanksgiving....then all of a sudden there was no time left before Christmas. Luckily I am pretty much done with shopping. I just need to get two more gifts and I am done. I have sent all of my Christmas cards out...well there were some that I couldn't get an they will get one next year.
Lately I have just been trying to get this house clean. I decided to go through my closet and get it organized. I organize a bit different then most people. I decided to take EVERYTHING out of my closet. Then I went through it all and ended up bagging three trash bags full of clothes I am going to donate. I also went through my shoes...I had shoes from high school!!! So I had to bag them up for donation. It was hard to part with some stuff, but Todd helped me just give it up. So now my closet actually has a floor and order to it. I am super proud...I will post some pics on the next post :D.
As for my cycle...I have NO idea where I am at. I didn't write down when AF showed before and so now I have no idea what day I am on. My one major concern is that I will be at a Christmas party and get AF. I have always been the type of person to know when to expect AF and to be prepared. I feel free this month. I am however, hoping to not see AF.
I just have to keep telling myself that I promised to give myself a few months. A few months of freedom from disappointment. I just can't believe I will have another Christmas and not be a mom. I really can't let myself think about that too much or I will get disappointed. I know it will be hard when I see my nieces and nephews on Christmas and wish I had some kiddos of my own.
To all of my SISTERS out there...Merry Christmas.....even if this is a sad time and a hard reminder of how long we all have been ttc. We have to remember the reason for the season. Jesus Christ!! I love you all and hope the new year gives us the gift we all have been praying for :D

Monday, December 8, 2008

Merry Christmas To All!!

Here are some of our pics that we took for our Christmas card :D

Being silly

The family :D

Just us!

I have to admit it is so much better this year. Mainly b/c I have lost weight and feel comfortable sending out pics of myself. Todd and I have decided that we are taking a trip to NYC. Then doing IVF in June. We may change our minds, but as of right now we are psyched. I am going to give myself those 6 or so months and just do what I want...well like taking hot baths and such. We are so still going to try. And I am sure that I will not take as many hot baths as I am planning on taking. I have lived my life for the past 2 years in waiting. Always waiting, never doing. And so I am gonna make up for it. I am pumped. I hope I can stay pumped. But I am sure there will be days when I am cursing myself for trying to be so positive.


Friday, December 5, 2008

Fakin It!

Thanks so much to everyone that gave me advice on the trip vs. IVF. We are still trying to figure out what we are going to do. I have started trying to get myself back together. I am going to be in a wedding in I am going back to the gym and busting my hump. I am very soar today, so I know I am doing something right. Plus it really helps me get my aggression out. So the plan is to look awesome for the wedding and reap some of the benefits of PCOS...metformin...and a diet from heck!!

I still feel like I am having an early mid-life crisis, but I am planning to just go with it and hope it passes soon. I hate feeling the urge to change who I am. I really want to love who I am. So I am working on that....which is easier said then done. I really do have so much to be thankful for and I am sure if I was on the other side of the grass...this patch of grass would look greener.

One recent thing I am struggling with has been trying to convince myself that I don't want to be a mother. The other day I was driving home and thought maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Or maybe I wouldn't be able to handle it. Everyone keeps saying how EVERYTHING changes...and they make it sound like it is horrible. Of course, I know exactly why I am doing this. I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt. You know, oh well, I didn't want that who cares kinda attitude. Except it is so fake. Sometimes I think that God thinks I shouldn't be a mom either. I know silly, but I do think it. Sometimes you can't help but try to figure out why.

So that is the latest with me...this wkend is my niece's b-day that will be a bit of a challenge. We will be the only couple without kiddos. Then I am going to wrap myself up in helping my friend plan her wedding. I hope everyone has a wonderful wkend.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What Would You Do???

I am feeling pretty bummed lately...and I have a feeling it is going around. It could be the recent holidays....and soon to be holidays. Thanksgiving was a blur to me. I kinda zoned out because I didn't want to feel the pain of not having a child...yet again. I just kept thinking where have I ended up. I started to have a mid-life crisis...and yes I am nowhere near the age to be having one. But ya know it makes sense. I am desperately trying to get pg and it never month after month after month I get my hopes up and then they come crashing down. Each time tearing more of my heart to pieces.

So I can see why I don't want to be myself anymore, ya know? I have had these ideas of dying my hair dark red (it is currently black), or taking a trip to New York with Todd. Which I will get to in a minute or another post. I find myself loving getting lost in movies and not having to deal with my world. I feel like I have lost the joy I had when I was so close to God and now instead I have tried to replace it with objects. New cell phone...etc!! Which of course only makes you happy for a while.

I am just soooo TICKED at INFERTILITY. IF can suck it.....excuse my language, but I am so angry and in so much pain. It is like I am screaming to get out of this, but I can't. I want a child...I want to get pregnant. I want all of this, but this road is tearing me apart. I ask God how much longer....or to give me a sign...or some hope. I haven't heard back yet. I am scared that I am going to keep going down this road and lose myself. Or maybe I already have.

I mean come on...I stay at home for a living. I don't have a job. I don't have any children to take care of. I am a LOSER!! I don't even have any good hobbies. I know I am blessed with such a wonderful husband who loves me so much...and I am very grateful for him. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because I don't have to work and I am blessed to stay at home. I could have a job that I hate and can't leave because of finances. I know, I know...but I am in a debbie downer mood.

Sorry this is sooo long, but I have a lot to say. The latest midlife crisis idea is for Todd and I to go to New York in March for our vacation this year. The problem is that we had planned to do IVF in Feb. So if we are planning on doing that we can't exactly afford both. Then there is the crazy chance that I would get pg from IVF...then I am not sure if we could go on the trip. I don't know about flying and being pg and if there are any rules. One option we thought of was to go to NY and then do the IVF in June after we get our taxes back. I just want to do something crazy and unlike me. Todd and I never get to do anything crazy like go to NY, because we are always thinking baby or going places with our families. We aren't like our other friends...well before they had a baby. They would go everywhere and really experience the world. Remember I am having a midlife crisis here. Luckily I don't have the urge to get a sports car...hehe Well, I found some humor in it all.

Neways...what would you do if you were in my shoes...seriously. Would you run off to NY, dye your hair, and then come back to reality in June with IVF???? Or just go with the original plan and pray it works?????


Oh yeah, and by the way I changed my name on my blog to One step at a time.