Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hot baths here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have officially LOST it!! AF showed and so of course...DUH...I am not pg, right? Well, I haven't been feeling well lately. Moody, nauseous, bloated, achy, headaches, etc. And AF is over...so I knew the symptoms weren't due to that witch! Then last night I had the WORST heartburn ever. And I didn't eat anything that would have given me heartburn. Or at least that is what I told myself. SO today I bought some pg tests at the grocery store and actually took the stupid test. I was hoping that it was positive. And you all know it was negative.

Have I lost my mind??? I think I might be losing it slowly. I guess this "break" we are on is more stressful than doing the shots and the constant RE visits. I have really put so much into this break working and us not having to do IVF. You always hear stories of how couples get pg when they are on a break, and leave it to me to make it stressful. So you know what. I forgot to put down when I started....and I don't plan to count the days and figure it out. I am going to let myself be clueless this month and if it happens..it happens. I am going to go to the gym and take my classes and kick butt, without an ounce of worry of getting pg. I am going to eat what I want....in moderation of course. And if I feel like taking a HOT bath. Darn it I AM!!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thankful!

Thank you all for your super sweet supportive comments!!! Try not to say that three times fast....super sweet supportive..hehe I am trying to be in a better mood. I have decided that I am not going to make my house spotless for our company this wkend. I just really don't feel like cleaning. And I am going to do my best to enjoy all the plans for the wkend. Then on Monday I am going to give myself permission to just completely fall apart and grieve. Hopefully, I won't have to. There is just something about starting a new cycle. I just feel blessed that I can start a new cycle and try again. There were a few times where stupid AF didn't show and wouldn't even let me start over. That was HORRIBLE!! And anyone out there experiencing that...I am sooooo soooo sorry.

Not that you would want to know, but AF is kickin my hiney this month. I am cramping like crazy. I would expect to birth a child after all of this pain. Not to mention the crabbiness, complete exhaustion, and the need to eat EVERYTHING in sight. Just some advice, Do not go shopping after you get AF. I decided to buy everything I have not allowed myself to eat. My favorites were cocoa pebbles and chips with ranch dip. It made me feel good to say JUST SCREW IF...I am eating whatever the heck I want. In her face...hehe. Oh I could go and take a LONG nap right now....I am so tired. And it is freezing outside. So wrapping up in some warm blankets sounds very nice.

Oh yeah, my whole point for this post was to post some things I am thankful for...sorry I got sidetracked.

I am thankful for sooo much:
1. All of you!!! I wouldn't even be this sane without all of my sisters :D
2. My hubby and furbaby Maggie, They are my sweet little family. And lastnight Todd wrapped his arms around me and Maggie snuggled in with us. It was the best feeling.
3. For Twilight the movie....and the book series. It has helped me take my mind of off IF. And have something to look forward to.
4. My friends...for putting up with my moods and the ups and downs of IF.
5. For Christmas songs. Especially the radio station here that plays nothing but Christmas music...it has helped my mood A LOT!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stupid AF shows

I wish I was able to write that I was pregnant and so surprised and happy. However, that is not the case. I should really be a fortune teller because I am usually right when it comes to whether or not AF will show. She always shows...why would I doubt that now?? I really just want to get away from everything right now. I want to pull the covers over me and just be. I don't want to pretend things are going to be okay. Because right now they are not. Why would I believe that my body was acting normal. It never does. I am so angry with myself. I am angry with this stupid body that doesn't work right. I don't want to be strong anymore...I just want to fall to pieces.

I hate this because I am not the kind of person that can put my feelings on others. I just hide them...very well. So I would just rather not be around anyone so I don't have to hide. And of course, the next few days are super busy. With 3 birthday parties, going to the movies with friends, going to welcome a new baby.........So I can't exactly disappear.

Lord, what is it I am suppose to learn. What am I suppose to change. Please give me some grace. I really can't take much more of these disappointments. Please heal my broken heart. Thank you for watching over me and thank you for never letting me go :D In Jesus name I pray Amen!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Intuition admitted

It has been one of those days. Waiting for disappointment and hoping for a surprise. I feel like I know a bomb is about to go off...I just don't know when. I definitely know where though...right in my heart. I know y'all have seen the promos for J & K + 8. Aren't they the best. I love how Kate looks into Jon's eyes and you can tell they are thinking we made it through it all. Their struggle is a bit different from mine in that they ended up with 8 kiddos. It was SUPER tough for them and couples get divorced over much less, but they have stayed together and in love. I want to look into Todd's(DH) eyes and think we made it. We made it through IF!!

So today I am just waiting to see how much closer or farther away that day may be for me. I am soooo ready to get a happy ending to this all. I feel guilty even asking for one, because I have been so blessed in the love department. I have an awesome husband and he truly is my soul mate in every way. So maybe I shouldn't push my luck :D

This month is especially special (tongue twister) for me. Well, it is the month Todd and I were born in....the month of my parent's wedding anniversary, and the month I truly thought we would conceive in. It was just one of those intuition or maybe wishful thinking things. I guess that is why I am so crazed right now. CD 30 is today and soon I will know my fate. I have always been right when it comes to my intuition, so I just don't want to lose that too. You lose so much with IF...and of course gain many things too...like strength and some pretty awesome sisters (YOU)!!! Look at me it is so hard for me to just say something bad without saying some nice. My stupid head has always done that to me, I try so hard to be thankful for what I do have. I know it doesn't exactly sound like I do. And of course this would be the month to be thankful in.

Which reminds me....thanksgiving was always that date I would tell myself...Dana you will so be pg by thanksgiving. But so far not such luck. I have since then stopped picking dates because I know how disappointing it is when they come and you know. Well, so that is why I am so scared of this month. I didn't mean to pick it, but I did. Bad habits die hard. So here's to the next crazy days of wondering and being scared. Here's to hoping that I haven't lost my intuition along with my fertility!!! Here's to love and happily ever after...whatever that may entail :D


Friday, November 14, 2008

Hangin Tough!!

I was hesitating even writing this post because I know that in a few days I am going to be writing a post that says that AF showed...so I really shouldn't be doing all this hoping and such. The heck with that....

A few things have happened lately...and dad if you are reading this....just skip this post....it has a lot of girly things in it...okay :D On my CD 22 I spotted. You know only noticed it after a potty break...like twice...then it was gone. I actually thought oh great stupid cycle all messed up again...but it disappeared. You know that got me hoping. Then on CD 24 I thought I noticed a darkening of the girls. You know what I mean...I am so silly I can't even type it..hehe But I think maybe I am either going nuts or something was up with my circulation at that moment...cause they look normal to me now. Also, I have been pretty yucky feeling lately. But I always feel that way before AF shows.

So I am ticked at my body. Stupid body trying to make me be hopeful so my hopes can come crashing down on me. Today is CD 25 and only God knows when I will start. It could be 28, 30, 32, or even longer. My body just likes to mess with me. So even though I know WAY better...I have been looking up pg symptoms. And I already know them by heart...I know the drill....what is wrong with me????

On a much lighter note. I went to see NKOTB a few weeks ago and just had to share :D Enjoy!! The concert was a BLAST!!!!!


Monday, November 10, 2008

wzup with me

I guess to say I have been avoiding everything ttc is an understatement. Well really I have avoided letting myself really sit down and type out how I have been feeling and process everything thus far. Right now we are taking a break and doing it old school. Well plus the metformin. But other than that...oh and opks...we are just winging it :D

Which sounded easy, but of course I should have known better. I think I got a positive OPK....I can never be sure of myself reading those stupid lines. Neways...a day after that I get this HORRIBLE UTI!!!! I mean I was in some pain. Like an idiot I took some AZO meds and some ibuprofen and thought it went away. I didn't realize that would only dull the pain and not touch the infection. By the time I realized that it was Sunday...so I had to wait til today to go see my dr. It all worked out in the end, he wrote me a rx and I am on my way to healing. BUT we lost so much valuable time...so there is no way I am banking on this month being the month I get knocked up.

So that just plain SUCKS!!!! And I find myself noticing stuff more often these days. For instance, as I was leaving the grocery store today I noticed all the kids toys lined up in the front of the store on display...they were all just screaming SEE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE....HAHAHAHA!!!! Then I leave and there is this cute couple with two kiddos and I think darn it Dana snap out of this spiral of negativity. Somedays are just like that though!!

On a lighter more pleasant note. I have been reading, well really more like addicted to, this book..you might of heard of it. Twilight!!!! IT is AWESOME. I am on the third book and can't wait til Nov. 21 to see the movie. If you haven't read it, TRUST ME, YOU WILL LOVE IT!!! Just try to put it down :D Enough said.

Sending all you, my sistas, some love and hugs!!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

THIS IS ME!!!

It is about time to put a face to my blog!! I just feel that it is time for me to just be me and not care anymore what others think.

This is me!!!!! Dana!!!



Wow that was liberating!!!!