Sunday, October 26, 2008

SAD

I am feeling very sad and vulnerable lately. Mainly just not really sure what to say when someone says hey, what's wrong? There really aren't any words to explain what it feels like to be infertile. I am sad in a way that is so deep in my soul. It just aches constantly and I wonder if it will ever stop. I am trying so hard to chin up and be brave and trust in God's plan, but I feel like at any moment I could just fall to pieces. I keep telling myself to put God first and not think about myself, but my stupid heart is breaking and I can't help but notice it. Then I feel like a bad christian because I am putting myself before God. I am so confused on that issue....but that will be a later post.

Someone told me today that I can't expect to be a good little christian and then God will answer my prayers and I totally know that. I am just trying to be lean on God and focus on Him. Ya know that song...You give and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Well, that is my motto. Even though I may not be getting what I want I still Love God and trust God and praise Him. Then another person told me that I may just need to start working again and get my mind off of all of this. Basically to just relax. I know she means well, and yes I have told her not to say that to me because it is hurtful. But she still does and I honestly don't think she means to hurt me, but it does. It just makes me want to throw my hands in the air and scream. I mean if it was that easy I would have been pg A LONG TIME AGO!!!

There are so many pg woman at church....everywhere. And I am not mad at them, but sad for me. It makes me just want to stay inside, because it seems like everything triggers thoughts about baby in my head. And yes I put on such a big front and try to be strong, but I am not strong. One of my dearest friends and I are going to a concert this week and my friend mentioned visiting someone on the way to the concert. This person is her friend that is having a baby and will be in the hospital either about to give birth or will have already given birth. She told me we don't have to go, but I insisted that we go. And I really want to go and see that cute little baby. I really genuinely do, but part of me is scared that I will lose it and be bummed. I don't want to look at a baby and get sad, I want to just have joy when I see those little tykes.

I have been contemplating seeing a counselor. Because I am a counselor, well was one anyway. I know I should see someone. I just can't help myself right now. I know my feelings are normal...right? Life seems so different when you think you may not have a child in it one day. Everything seems different. Nothing like I had planned of course.

Even the smallest conversation....today in Sunday school, I asked if the church does something for Halloween...and they said of course, and then proceeded to explain to me how I would feel so much safer if I took my kids to their trunk or treat at church. Well, I don't have kids. I just wanted to help out....but there you go I just felt an arrow through the heart. Am I being over dramatic...I really feel this way. I will be so glad when this horrible mood changes. Sorry if I bummed everyone out!!!

5 comments:

Leslie Laine said...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down, but don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are totally natural and expected - I'm sure that God understands that the IF experience truly is one of the most difficult things a woman can go through.

I think that you should do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and to nurture yourself. Only you know what that is. Although it can be hard to do that, it's important to take care of you so that you are healthy emotionally and physically and prepared to be pregnant when the time is right!

Counseling is something that has helped me in my life more than once. I, too, am a counselor, and I think that everyone can benefit from that kind of help from time to time.

I hope and pray that you feel a little better today.

l.l.

Kelly said...

My counselor helped me through my IF and saved my marriage. Your feelings are totally normal - it's okay to be sad. You are experiencing a loss and although many people don't understand how to can loose something you never had, the IF community gets it.

Sorry to hear your well-meaning friend doesn't get it - maybe you need to find someone to confide in who doesn't judge or doesn't tell you to "just relax." I had one during my IF and it was wonderful to be able to open up and not have to worry about her advice, comments or judgments.
Kelly from twinpeas.com/wordpress

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's so hard. I can resonate with so many of these feelings. I would suggest going to see a counselor for sure. I am going to the social worker for that reason. It's such a hard thing to deal with - IF - and I think you definately need to be emotionally and physically able to deal with it. If a counselor helped before (it did for me with my bulemia), I say go for it.
***HUGS***

shauna said...

I was just looking for blogs of christian women dealing with infertility and found yours. I have been through all these feelings that you are experiencing. It is the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. I know how it feels when you're sitting in church and they announce yet another person is expecting. I know how it feels when you can't even be around friends with babies. You feel guilty for having such a hard time. I am also trusting God, but it's rarely ever easy. I want to encourage you with something I ofter try to encourage myself with: God gave you this desire to have a child. I believe when God gives us such a strong desire to have children he will fulfill that desire. I don't know if he'll fulfill it with my own natural child or if he'll send me a child through adoption, but I know there is a child God has for me...and you. We can't see the big picture, and sometimes it's so hard when you see people who don't appreciate what they have, but we must believe that there is a reason. I don't know your name, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers, remember you're not alone.
Shauna

SAHW said...

I think feeling sad and praying for relief from that sadness isn't putting yourself before God at all...yes, of course you have to trust in His plan, but at the same time, we don't know the full end results of what His plan for us is, so in the meantime, we keep praying for ease in our worldly life.
That said, it's a hard road. And perhaps seeing a counselor or just having someone to talk to could help a lot...it's definitely worth thinking about.