Friday, October 10, 2008


DH and I were riding home today and we went past this house that my grandmother once lived. I kinda remember going there to see her and seeing that house made me think of her and miss her dearly. I was really close to my grandmother. Growing up...I only had two grandparents that were still alive. One was in a nursing home and passed away when I was young and the other one passed away when I was about 7. I missed having those grandparent moments. So I promised myself at a VERY young age that I would get on the ball and have some kiddos so that my parents and my hubby's parents would be completely involved with my kids. Then they would get to have all the grandparent moments they wanted.

And after thinking about my granny today...I fear that I may not be able to give my kids that promise. Which kills me. Of course, I DON'T ever want to think about losing my parents. I would go nuts without them....but I just want my kids to get to meet them and see how awesome they are. I often wonder about my grandparents that were already gone by the time I was born. What were they I act like them...or have any of their characteristics. Would they be proud of the woman I have become.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but it is difficult to stay positive. Doubt creeps in every now and again and I wonder what if..... I know that God has a plan...but I am sad if that plan doesn't involve kids for us.

Update on me and IF: The IUI went well. I only had one follicle. Which I was bummed about...because I was at least hoping for two. I had 6 that the doctor was watching in the beginning, but my RE wanted to go slowly with there ya go. I just know that my odds of one egg making pretty slim. Plus my diet kinda sucks right I am sure that will make things worse. I mean I am not out there pigging out on french fries and stuff...but I am not exactly eating lettuce and veggies all day. To be honest...I totally feel guilty that I can't make myself eat better. That is when the idea that it is my fault starts to creep up...ya know...what if I ate better...didn't lift that heavy box.....yada yada yada. Thankfully they are just thoughts and I can try to stop them.

Sorry for the topic is one of those days.


I Believe in Miracles said...

All it takes is one. Someone reminded me today - that there are many things out of control. If God wants it to be that one, than no matter what you lift or eat, then it will be that one. Otherwise, it's up to him. We are not in control. I think it's easy to hear, it's easy to say, it's just a whole lot harder to believe and understand. Praying for your one follicle!!

Oh - love the grandmother story. I only have one living grandmother and I think the world of her. I lost my only other living grandfather when I was 6. But I rarely saw him so I don't remember him much. The funny thing is that my mom keeps telling me to wait on having kids because she doesn't feel like a grandmother yet! That's why we haven't told her we're trying...

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