Friday, October 24, 2008

Do I mean what I pray?

I was reading some blogs today and found one (all you who hope) that has really made me stop and think. It was about praying and really meaning what you pray. Sure it sounds great to say Lord, I will do your will....whatever you want me to do....and wait as long as need be. But then I realized do I really mean that. What if God's plan for me does not include getting pg. Then am I really prepared to be okay with that. I know I am not and I am ashamed that I can't be for God. It is kinda like while you are praying I want Your will to be done...but at the same time you are picturing His will to be the same as your will.

If there is one thing that IF has taught me it is that God's plan and my plan aren't the same. And I have to somehow be okay with that. It is such a struggle. Human emotions (especially my crazy hormones) are tough to rationalize with. Like today I am so sad and feeling very left behind. And a bit angry about it too. I see all of my friends on myspace with their children or pg bellies and I can't help but scream why me. Self pity.....whatever...this is how I feel right now.

Of course, tomorrow will be another day and another mood. Maybe I will be hopeful and have some peace. Maybe I will still be sad and restless. Wrapping my mind around the why's is too difficult...even though I still try to. What is it that I need to learn...why haven't I learned it by now. Will figuring this out help me get pg? Yeah...probably not. I know.

Lord, I am learning to be a disciple for you. I am in the VERY beginning stages and need your guidance on how to find this balance with my emotions. I know I can't trust them like I trust You. Lord, help me to trust NOT my own understanding. But find peace in yours. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen


Nichole said...

Wow! Thank you for that. It is so true! I am not ok with God's plan right now. I am mad and I don't understand why he is testing me so much!!!

I need to really think about what I am praying, really mean it and if I don't mean it...don't pray it.

Thank you so much for the reminder!

allyouwhohope said...

I think the good news is that we don't have to fully be there, because God sees us trying. I think it pleases him that you can admit you may not have surrendered completely to his will, and that you are trying to do better. We may never get there, but I believe as long as we're trying, that's all we can do.

I just read your post from yesterday and I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon. And Myspace and facebook have a way of making us feel like crap, don't they?!

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's severely annoying when our plan and God's plan don't line up. What I've learned --- God's plan is always better.