Sunday, October 26, 2008

SAD

I am feeling very sad and vulnerable lately. Mainly just not really sure what to say when someone says hey, what's wrong? There really aren't any words to explain what it feels like to be infertile. I am sad in a way that is so deep in my soul. It just aches constantly and I wonder if it will ever stop. I am trying so hard to chin up and be brave and trust in God's plan, but I feel like at any moment I could just fall to pieces. I keep telling myself to put God first and not think about myself, but my stupid heart is breaking and I can't help but notice it. Then I feel like a bad christian because I am putting myself before God. I am so confused on that issue....but that will be a later post.

Someone told me today that I can't expect to be a good little christian and then God will answer my prayers and I totally know that. I am just trying to be lean on God and focus on Him. Ya know that song...You give and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Well, that is my motto. Even though I may not be getting what I want I still Love God and trust God and praise Him. Then another person told me that I may just need to start working again and get my mind off of all of this. Basically to just relax. I know she means well, and yes I have told her not to say that to me because it is hurtful. But she still does and I honestly don't think she means to hurt me, but it does. It just makes me want to throw my hands in the air and scream. I mean if it was that easy I would have been pg A LONG TIME AGO!!!

There are so many pg woman at church....everywhere. And I am not mad at them, but sad for me. It makes me just want to stay inside, because it seems like everything triggers thoughts about baby in my head. And yes I put on such a big front and try to be strong, but I am not strong. One of my dearest friends and I are going to a concert this week and my friend mentioned visiting someone on the way to the concert. This person is her friend that is having a baby and will be in the hospital either about to give birth or will have already given birth. She told me we don't have to go, but I insisted that we go. And I really want to go and see that cute little baby. I really genuinely do, but part of me is scared that I will lose it and be bummed. I don't want to look at a baby and get sad, I want to just have joy when I see those little tykes.

I have been contemplating seeing a counselor. Because I am a counselor, well was one anyway. I know I should see someone. I just can't help myself right now. I know my feelings are normal...right? Life seems so different when you think you may not have a child in it one day. Everything seems different. Nothing like I had planned of course.

Even the smallest conversation....today in Sunday school, I asked if the church does something for Halloween...and they said of course, and then proceeded to explain to me how I would feel so much safer if I took my kids to their trunk or treat at church. Well, I don't have kids. I just wanted to help out....but there you go I just felt an arrow through the heart. Am I being over dramatic...I really feel this way. I will be so glad when this horrible mood changes. Sorry if I bummed everyone out!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Do I mean what I pray?

I was reading some blogs today and found one (all you who hope) that has really made me stop and think. It was about praying and really meaning what you pray. Sure it sounds great to say Lord, I will do your will....whatever you want me to do....and wait as long as need be. But then I realized do I really mean that. What if God's plan for me does not include getting pg. Then am I really prepared to be okay with that. I know I am not and I am ashamed that I can't be for God. It is kinda like while you are praying I want Your will to be done...but at the same time you are picturing His will to be the same as your will.

If there is one thing that IF has taught me it is that God's plan and my plan aren't the same. And I have to somehow be okay with that. It is such a struggle. Human emotions (especially my crazy hormones) are tough to rationalize with. Like today I am so sad and feeling very left behind. And a bit angry about it too. I see all of my friends on myspace with their children or pg bellies and I can't help but scream why me. Self pity.....whatever...this is how I feel right now.

Of course, tomorrow will be another day and another mood. Maybe I will be hopeful and have some peace. Maybe I will still be sad and restless. Wrapping my mind around the why's is too difficult...even though I still try to. What is it that I need to learn...why haven't I learned it by now. Will figuring this out help me get pg? Yeah...probably not. I know.

Lord, I am learning to be a disciple for you. I am in the VERY beginning stages and need your guidance on how to find this balance with my emotions. I know I can't trust them like I trust You. Lord, help me to trust NOT my own understanding. But find peace in yours. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Disciple

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me" Luke 9:23

This is the verse we had to memorize last week. DH and I have started a new class on Wed. nights....on how to be a disciple for Jesus. This verse is why I am not completely drowning in sorrow. IUI #2 didn't work. Af showed a few days ago and I am pretty bummed. Each point we get to is just further and further from what we had planned. I am beginning to learn that God's path is not necessarily the path I want. I was doing okay and then I got on myspace and saw some old classmates that just had their babies or were expecting. And now I am just down. I am wishing I could be in their shoes. I know that this is my path and there are reasons for the bumps, but for now I just wish it was easy and simple. My 10 year reunion is coming up next year and I can't help but feel behind everyone.

Today has been the worst. DH works 14 hours today and I am just stuck at home dwelling on all kinds of things. In our class, we are suppose to put Christ first and not ourselves. Which is something I struggle with, because I tend to put my desire to be a mom above all things. SO I have planned to work on that...A LOT!!! Sorry I have been MIA....I am hoping my internet is fixed for good. Oddly enough I don't have anymore words....I am just too sad. But I am going to put Christ first and go and have quiet time with Him!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Grandparents

DH and I were riding home today and we went past this house that my grandmother once lived. I kinda remember going there to see her and seeing that house made me think of her and miss her dearly. I was really close to my grandmother. Growing up...I only had two grandparents that were still alive. One was in a nursing home and passed away when I was young and the other one passed away when I was about 7. I missed having those grandparent moments. So I promised myself at a VERY young age that I would get on the ball and have some kiddos so that my parents and my hubby's parents would be completely involved with my kids. Then they would get to have all the grandparent moments they wanted.

And after thinking about my granny today...I fear that I may not be able to give my kids that promise. Which kills me. Of course, I DON'T ever want to think about losing my parents. I would go nuts without them....but I just want my kids to get to meet them and see how awesome they are. I often wonder about my grandparents that were already gone by the time I was born. What were they like...do I act like them...or have any of their characteristics. Would they be proud of the woman I have become.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but it is difficult to stay positive. Doubt creeps in every now and again and I wonder what if..... I know that God has a plan...but I am sad if that plan doesn't involve kids for us.

Update on me and IF: The IUI went well. I only had one follicle. Which I was bummed about...because I was at least hoping for two. I had 6 that the doctor was watching in the beginning, but my RE wanted to go slowly with me...so there ya go. I just know that my odds of one egg making it....is pretty slim. Plus my diet kinda sucks right now...so I am sure that will make things worse. I mean I am not out there pigging out on french fries and stuff...but I am not exactly eating lettuce and veggies all day. To be honest...I totally feel guilty that I can't make myself eat better. That is when the idea that it is my fault starts to creep up...ya know...what if I ate better...didn't lift that heavy box.....yada yada yada. Thankfully they are just thoughts and I can try to stop them.

Sorry for the topic switches...it is one of those days.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

sharing the babydust!!

I am beginning to be a pro at this whole shot giving thing. I have given myself a shot for the past three nights and it is not as scary as I had imagined it to be. The needle doesn't hurt at all...mostly the sting comes from the meds. DH was so proud of me...he watched me give myself a shot tonight. Usually he is the one that gives the shot...while I squeeze his arm and tightly close my eyes. I am sooo proud of myself. GO ME!!!

I am going tomorrow for another ultrasound...the one of many before the IUI. Last time the RE said I had some follies...so lets hope they are a growing. I am sooooo dreading the drive tomorrow...well really I am dreading getting up so early. I just need a couple of more hours. So Dh and I are going to make a day of it. We are going to the RE's office...then to a friend's work to visit for a bit...then to the mall to browse. Well...he doesn't know all that yet...but I am sure he will be game.

Today I got to hold a sweet new little baby. She was so precious. I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if she was mine. If I was a new mom and I was able to gaze into those adorable eyes. She was so little and just perfect. I just knew that one day I will be there...one day soon. I just felt a peace about it while I held her. And my friend said I looked pretty natural holding her...so there!! Now I have some fresh babydust...and I will share it with you all.
****** BABY DUST*******
Sorry I don't have some fancy pic :D
TWO MORE DAYS TIL THE WKEND.....YIPEE!!