Friday, September 12, 2008

Warning don't watch shows about bums ya out!!!

I have so much to be thankful for and I am really trying to just trust God and His plan for us. However, there are days when I need to let out my feelings and my fears. I am sure God wants me to do this so I can trust Him. I was just watching the show the doct.ors. Today it was about pregnancy. So of course, I thought I would get some much needed info. for when I do get pg. But at the beginning of the show...they discussed IVF. Very briefly and one of the dr.'s made some statements that made me super sad. He said that with our growing technology it is like we are playing God. Which I totally disagree with. They were specifically discussing multiple births that can stem from IVF. It just made me so sad, because I have seen them use more compassion talking about cigarette smoking than IVF. I mean come on...we can't help our situation. And if we chose to get medical help...well actually it chose us. Then so be it.

Then as I watched each woman in different trimesters...experiencing those usual pg symptoms. I obviously wondered if I will ever get there. The women talked about how they were just trying for a bit and then it happened. They were so carefree and didn't even know the miracle they had been given. I can't help but cry for myself and for every woman dealing with IF. I don't care if that makes me feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to do that every now and again. I think it is healthy as long as I don't let it overwhelm me. This is usually when I go through all those stages of sadness and anger...then pray for hope.

It is amazing how much you yearn for a child. It is a heartache that I couldn't even begin to explain. It is like one of my fellow sister blogger posted...saying that she felt like she was missing out on her God given right as a bear children. I feel the same way.

I will get to bring my little puppy home next Friday. I am hoping that will occupy my mind and my heart for a bit. I am secretly praying it will help me get pg. I know I am finally giving in to the whole relax thing. Well I am not selling out completely...I know I have PCOS and no amount of relaxing could make me ovulate without medicine, but I am going to give myself something else to focus on for a while. I truly wish I was preparing for a child instead of a dog. But I will take what I can get right now. So basically, I am bummed now. That stupid show. I knew I shouldn't have watched it. I know better.

Let me just get my fears out of my head for today and leave them here on my blog:

  • I am afraid of IVF....that is the BIG next step...what if it doesn't work
  • I am scared that nothing will work for us and that this is the life I have to live
  • I am afraid that IF will cost me so much in life besides friendships and family relationships because I tend to isolate myself
  • I am afraid that I will fail God's test for me
  • Or that I already am failing God's test for me
  • I am afraid that all the IF meds I will take for IUI #2 and possibly IVF will cause physical harm to me...I don't know what but I still think it will somehow
  • I am afraid of never hearing the words mama


Heather said...

Those shows are EVIL. I learned the hard way to not watch them when we were trying. I learned the hard way not to watch them even after I got pregnant. I'm still an infertile woman and I still resent half of the stuff on those shows. They just aren't good for me to watch. I stick to Animal Planet and the Weather Channel or reality trash TV.

Leslie Laine said...

I know it's hard as you start contemplating IVF, and unfortunately it still is for me. I find myself awake at 2 or 3 in the morning deliberating over all of the decisions we're making and worrying. But, I try to console myself by believing that I will be a mom, no matter what, and that God is with me through the whole ordeal. That brings me a lot of comfort during moments like that and helps with my fears. I also find that the busier I can keep myself, the better. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete something at work or at home, and that is like a mental vacation from all this IF stuff.

Hope this helps a little - hang in there!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I could have written this post. All those fears are real to me too. Like Leslie said, I can take comfort that God is with me and he continues to love and take care of me.