Saturday, September 6, 2008


I have tried SO hard today to stay chipper. I think I did okay...I mean I am not sobbing in the I am good. DH had to work all day and for some reason I can't get motivated when I don't see him in the morning...I know I am smitten. But it is true (ah ha...almost said so true...but didn't). When he is around I am full of energy and ready to tackle anything. I was just in one of those frozen mood days where I couldn't seem to get anything done. My plan was to have a good old day of housecleaning. Then I would at least feel productive. Instead it was couch time and some weird sci fi movie. I always get hooked on those and then end up closing my eyes through all of the scary parts.

I talked myself into getting a shower and told myself TO GET UP AND GET BUSY!! After the shower I made the mistake of turning the t.v. back on and ended up being a total couch potato all day. I feel so gross now...not productive...just lazy. I know some ppl would give anything for peace and quiet and lazy time...but not me. I want more. DH got home and we went for a I could clear my head and my vision...from all the t.v. That does a whammy on your eyes. It was nice outside...a bit rainy, but cooler than usual. So we rolled the windows down and drove to "town". I hoped that would cure my yucky mood, but it didn't. I even tried to be silly and stuff...but nope I am right here hoping that typing these words will help me.

I am stuck waiting for my life to begin. I know I shouldn't waist my time, but I feel like I am just sitting here waiting. Tick Tock...when will it finally begin. I imagine by the time it does begin I will be so behind. I see other women...moms...with their daily schedules and no time even left to ponder what the heck to do. I feel lost in this world...I feel like I don't belong, because I am not a mom. It is kinda like this club...ya know. Even at the OBGYN office..if you are not are NOT important. That is why I am happy with my RE. When I got either a false positive or a chemical pg...a while back..I went into the OBGYN office and finally felt like I had joined the club. But it was short lived. I guess I was kicked out...due to the no bun in the oven and all.

Why do I feel like there is this us versus them thing going on. I hate that I feel that way. I guess it is just like that....grass is always greener..huh? I am sure there are moms out there that actually envy me. I am sure that there are a very few amount...maybe like one. I don't know...maybe they envy the amount of time I have to myself. Trust is not all it is cracked up to be...everything is good in small doses!!!

Sorry this is super long, but I have a lot on my mind. DH and I were looking at getting a puppy. A Yorkie. But they are expensive and we already have a cat. A very bad cat. Well he just misbehaves and jumps on EVERY dang thing. I really wanted the dog so I could play mother. I know I am nutso. Soon I realized that is why I wanted it and kinda reconsidered. It isn't off the table....we are just taking more time to think about it. I know I am suppose to keep my peace about God's path, but I am still restless. I know that we are here for a reason....and I know there is a good reason for it. I am just impatient. Have always been...probably always will be. So here's to tomorrow being better....a lot less tv's involved...and to this next week being a blast. I am thinking positive...that is a start :D


Heather said...

Try a Yorkie rescue. You can get a pure bred dog without the huge expense. Just a thought.

I know the feelings. I am the proud owner of three dogs.

Unfortunately, you are right. I am sure there are mothers out there who hate being mothers. Who would love to be in your shoes. Life isn't fair.

I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon.

Rebekah said...

Good golly, it must be in the air. I was hooked on every word, because my day was just as dreary. There's good days, there's bad days, but there's never a day that I don't want to be a mom. Time is definitely ticking and life passing by...doesn't it feel like we were left behind? Sorry! I know I'm not helping the mood. Let's just go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow, huh?

Leslie Laine said...

It really must be in the air this weekend because your post reminded me of the one I wrote yesterday. I just feel so behind everyone else, and as the days go by, I feel more and more behind. I just feel like I don't have as much in common with my old friends...they're either pregnant or they have kids -and they typically don't understand what I'm going through (even if they've been there themselves).

I hope that next week is better for us all. :)

I Believe in Miracles said...

It is so hard being restless. I hate the "waiting for my life to start" feeling. Dammit, there is a lot of life to live, period. Why do I think it hasn't started yet?? Grr.

Hubby and I have talked about how, maybe God wants us to do something else before we have kids... and thus what is it? He's calling us to be patient.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.