Monday, September 1, 2008

PLEASE EXCUSE MY VENTING

I know it is not over til AF shows...but I just have that feeling that it is over for this cycle. Of course, tonight as I start to wind down I start analyzing. I mean come on....there was an egg and sperm. The sperm even got a head start. What went wrong??

This is when you start to question the why's. Those tend to be: (but not limited to)
  • Does God not want me to be a momma
  • Could DH's sperm and my egg be "allergic" to each other...or not a good match
  • Did I stress too much
  • Did I not eat right (OF COURSE I DIDN'T)
  • Did I not pray enough
  • Did I not have enough faith

You just start to wonder what the heck is going on. And even though you have Tons of faith in God...you are having a freakout moment. I want to scream and shout and cry and just throw my hands in the air!!!!

I am sick of dreaming...I want it to be a reality. I am sick of seeing other families together and wishing that we could have that too. It just breaks my heart that I can't give DH a child. It is hard not to blame myself...because after all...it is my body that isn't working right. I know I shouldn't do that....and I am sure that it is all part of my moment of insanity.

I can just see our future children....all the memories...all those special moments. But I don't know if I will ever get to have those experiences. I am not guaranteed anything in life. So I am busting my butt to get it. This next cycle I will be taking more shots each day.....and I am going to have to crack down on my eating habits. Which is so much easier said then done.

Wait...I have to get some anger out first. (Remember anger comes from pain) So this is just me letting it out....so please no one get offended...okay. Here we go...........I am so sick of waking up everyday constantly yearning to be a mom.....I am sick of this constant aching in my heart....it is like I have lost a loved one...but I can't grieve properly for the loved one.....I am sick of seeing DH's face when we get a BFN....I am sick of being brave....I am sick of mothers complaining about their kids...when I would give anything to have something to complain about....I am sick of being positive all the time about IF....I am sick of seeing friends or family that are pregnant and having to put on a smile when all I want to do is cry....I am sick of worrying if this is the month...I am sick of hearing about birthing stories....about how quick or long it was...like I even remotely understand....I am SOOOOO sick of being told to freakin' relax.....I am sick of it all....everything that entails the woes of IF. I am sick of IF!!!!!!!! I guess that is how I would describe IF...it is a sickness....you feel it everyday and there is no medicine to make it better....only one cure...and that cure is really expensive or out of reach. excuse

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for the many blessings I have in my life. But right now I am going to let myself be sad and vent. So tonight....I am going to get out the tissues and cry like a baby....until I feel better.

1 comment:

I Believe in Miracles said...

Vent. Vent. Vent away. We are hear for you. IF is a very frustrating process. **BIG HUGS**