Thursday, September 4, 2008

God chose for us!!!

GOD is SOOO awesome!!! I have had another moment where God has helped me realize some of my path and helped give me some peace about all of this IF stuff. As you know, I have been really bummed that I wasn't pg after the IUI. Also, I have been physically feeling HORRIBLE. I am nauseous with a bad headache. And the perma-nausea is rough. Neways...I was at a point where I felt pretty low and I am still recovering right now. I was in my living room just sobbing and asking God not to leave me and to please help me. I wasn't sure what to pray for anymore or how to word what I needed. All I knew is that I needed God to wrap me up in His arms right then and there. I felt like I was at that breaking point...ya know the one where you are just so exhausted emotionally and physically you just don't have the strength to go on.

Well, right then...the phone rang. And my sweet neighbor was calling me. She asked what I was doing...and with a snotty nose and tears running down my face I plainly said crying. By the way, DH was at work all day. We set up dinner plans to get me out of the house and to be able to talk things out. Which made me thank God right after we hung up the phone. I know He wanted her to call me....you will see why soon. Keep reading...sorry I know it is super detailed.

We went to dinner and she gave me this newsletter by a very popular author...John Eldredge. Her hubby is a pastor and thought of me when he was reading it....because of my recent circumstances and troubles. He thought it would be something I would love to read and get inspired too. After I got back home I was able to read it carefully. And WOW...did it speak to me.
Read it for yourself and you will see that it really applies to IF!!! The link is: http://www.ransomedheart.com/goingdeeper/newsletters.aspx It is the newsletter for August 2008 titled Desire.

Basically it talks about disappointments and how we handle disappointments. Most of us give up our desires because of fear of disappointments. Then you end up just trying to get by and not really living the life God wants for you. I guess just on auto-pilot. Then others tend to (namely me) let our desires take over and we don't even stop to wonder if this is what God wants for us. If you are running after your desires and not God's desires then you are setting yourself up for heartache. So we shouldn't give up our desires or let them run us. There needs to be a balance...and in that balance is GOD.

I had begun to desire a baby so badly I was on auto-pilot. I just assumed that doing another IUI was what He had planned and I was following that plan. But in reality I was just following my own desires....blindly I might add. I knew in my heart that I needed to take a break from it all and take some time to get on God's path.

So I prayed the prayer at the end of the newsletter....this is what it said:

Lord Jesus, I don’t get it. I don ’t like the way this story is turning out. I ask you into my
disappointments, all of them. Come into this place in my heart. I know you are good. I know you love me. Show me what you have for me. Show me how much I have lived in resignation. Let me also not just chase my desires foolishly. God I pray for the knowledge of your will for me through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Show me the life you have for me. Shepherd me.

So I gave it up to God. This morning we had our baseline ultrasound and was beginning IUI #2. I already have my meds....they came yesterday. My RE found two cysts on one of my ovaries from the last IUI and meds. So he said we couldn't do an IUI this cycle...because it would just make my cysts grow. God chose for us today. He has told us to take this break and I pray that I will continue to see His desires and follow them. I don't know what is in our future of IF...I just know that God is in it...and that is all I need to know.

3 comments:

My Infertility Diaries said...

Sorry for saying so ALL of the time. I just realized I did that!!!
YIKES

I Believe in Miracles said...

You are so cute!!

I loved his book Wild at Heart. It was awesome. I'm so excited about this website and newsletters.

It does seem like God is telling you to be still and just focus more on him. Maybe I should be telling myself the same thing?

This is a beautiful post about God and how he's continue to draw you to him. And its awesome. Thanks for sharing.

**BIG HUGS**

Rebekah said...

What a beautiful heart you have! You are so strong, as you shine the light of Jesus in such a difficult time. I was so discouraged and depressed after 1 IUI that didn't work, it propelled me into the darkest time of my life. And unlike you, I was not looking for God's will, opinion, or love. I was pretty angry, and unfortunately let it consume me for several months.

I have never been so thankful for GRACE, as I am right now. I am thankful that He covered me in his love even when I didn't deserve it!

All I can say, after reading your heart's words, is that He has crowns for the faithful. You'll get your crown...