Wednesday, September 3, 2008

AF is kickin my butt!!.....add on.....

WOW.....AF has really kicked my butt this time. I guess it comes with the territory...ya know...all those hormones. I wasn't expecting cramps this bad. And of course, when you don't feel emotionally all makes you physically feel bad too. It has been a rough few days. I am still not 100%, but I am getting better each day. I just fell apart this time. I was feeling pretty hopeless. Right now I don't really feel anything...just a bit numb. DH and I discussed our plan last night....on what to do next...then next...then next. So far we agree that we will do IUI one more time...then IVF. I am not sure where we will go after that if nothing works. I don't even know if I will be able to make it through this second IUI. I am tired and worn out. I don't know where women get the strength to do this and work full time. I couldn't do it. I would be insane.

One thing that I hate about myself right now is my attitude about other pg women. Or just seeing other families. It just makes me have this rush of emotions....mostly pain in my heart. I know I am not supposed to focus on the things I don't have...but focus on what God has given me. I am so blessed to have a husband that truly is my best friend. We have a love that most people don't get to I should be happy to have that. But of course I want to be able to give DH a child. A child that is the product of our love. I want to see a little DH with those gorgeous brown eyes. I would so be wrapped. I just get goosebumps when I see DH with our nieces and nephews. He is so sweet with them. As you can tell..I must still be in the grieving process, over this IUI not working. It also makes you realize that THIS may not happen for us. And that is just too much for me to bare. I am a VERY emotional person anyway....then you add the hormones...and I am a big ole mess!!

DH still believes that this will happen for us. I wish I had that kind of hope right now. It is just hard to get my hopes up and then BAM they come crashing down. I want to be realistic, but I want to be able to hope too!!! Maybe we do need a break from this...or at least maybe I do. Then I can have some time to get better. The only thing is then I would totally feel like I should have done the IUI this cycle. So I am going to do it and see what happens. If it doesn't work, maybe then we will take a break and just enjoy the upcoming holidays.

My questions now are where do I go from do I get my hope back??? If anyone knows...please fill me in on the secret.

********ADD ON*******

As I finished typing this post the doorbell rang. It was my meds for this cycle. My RE changed it up and I am taking Menopu.r this time. So I opened up the box of 20 viles of that stuff..some ovi.drel. Then there were 20 syringes and needles....alcohol swabs...and this time they sent me a container for my needles. I can't help but get sick to my stomach after that delivery. It is official IUI #2 is underway!!!


I Believe in Miracles said...

Getting hope back is hard!! I hear you.

I typically have a good cry, then go for a walk or jog or something athletic. Sometimes I frantically clean the house.

What I find makes it worse is when I wallow... although there is the time for that.

I have to keep telling myself it's ok and God has a plan. Somehow, somewhere, there is a plan. It might not be what we think the plan should be, but we're not in charge.

I'm really hoping IUI # 2 is it for you!!


dana said...

Came across your blog via CycleSista.

I can think of a million cliches...none of which will make you feel better.

ButI will be praying for you and I hope this IUI is the one!