Tuesday, September 30, 2008

IF rollercoaster

So if IF is a rollercoaster ride...then I am still on way up the huge hill. And this hill is getting bigger by the minute. You know when you are on that hill you are anticipating the ride down the hill...and usually there are curves and more hills ahead. Neways...just thought about that analogy so I had to share.

I am on CD 8 and I went for my 2nd ultrasound today....gearing up for IUI #2!! So far so good. I go back to the RE again on Thursday. I understand and appreciate all of the ultrasounds, but that drive so early in the morning is kicking my hiney. I was like a zomby on the drive this morning. I know...not the safest way to drive, huh? The RE told me today that I have some follicles on each side...so I guess that means they could possible mature enough to produce some eggos :D I am not getting my hopes up for tons of them...because I did that last time and ended up with only one stinkin egg. Which I was very thankful for...but I had in my mind that doing and IUI would help me produce more eggs and give me a higher chance of getting preggers.

My RE told me today that slow and steady wins the race. Yeah...while I am in the stirrups looking and hoping for some follies...I wasn't sure how to take that. So I just said yep. I am not going to let myself analyze that.....I am not...for real.

On the Maggie front...our new lil' pup!! She is doing great. It is tough potty training her...because she is so little with such a little bladder. And we dont' have a fenced for our backyard...so sometimes she thinks she can play keep away with me and run. Which scares me to death. So I tried to use a collar and leash...but they are too big for her and slip right off of her head. I feel like I have a newborn, because I am getting up super early to let her out and staying up super late to take her out. What the heck...I am taking this dog out like every 30 minutes...it is getting tough. I guess I will have to accept a few accidents in the house every now and then. If anyone has any tips...PLEASE share them!!

On the job front....I subbed again on Monday and the class was great. I felt more confident and I think I was able to get back into the swing of things. I have enjoyed subbing so far....especially the paycheck :D So as you can see I am trying to keep myself busy...but not too busy. There is a delicate balance I am trying to figure out.

SO here's to making a bunch of follies to make a bunch of eggs...to getting knocked up...to potty training maggie....and figuring out how to work and do all that housework.

I hope everyone else is doing great...have an awesome rest of the week.


OH YEAH*** I gave myself a shot lastnight. Usually DH does it or my awesome friend. But I actually did it lastnight all by myself..and I didn't faint. SO whoooohooooo!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

bummed

Af showed yesterday....I am still in shock because it was only cd 22. I guess I need to realize that this process is going to always keep me on my toes. Just when I thought I was getting "it" together.

We gave our cat to a friend yesterday as well. We have had him since he was a kitten. There are several reasons we needed to find him a new home. However, it was so hard. I just couldn't stop crying. I just worry about him and hope he is happy. I know he will be happier with this new family. He will be able to roam free throughout the house and be himself. I keep telling myself that it was our job to get him to this point. He was in an animal shelter when I got him..so he might not have found a home at all. I pray he is happy.

Today I had my first day as a substitute teacher. It has been almost 2 years since I have been in the classroom. And man...they kicked my hiney!!! They wouldn't listen...and some of them were a bit rude. I am sure that my emotional state isn't the best right now...so dealing with a bunch of 5th graders wasn't my idea of fun. Also, DH was off while I was at work and now he is at work while I am off. He also works 14 hrs tomorrow...so I won't see him much til Friday evening. That bums me out...He is my rock.

So there it all is in a nutshell....I am reminded of being barren...then I feel like a horrible person for giving my cat to someone else...then a bunch of kids won't even listen to me. I feel pretty insignificant right now. Hormones suck!!!!

I go for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow...then hopefully onto IUI #2....unless the RE says we need to wait another month. The sad thing is that I have found myself trying to talk myself out of wanting kids. I know it is sooo stupid. Yesterday I thought well....atleast I can sleep in...or do whatever I want...whenever...kinda. Yeah..I know...I wasn't that convincing. It just made me want it more, but at the same time I want to distance myself from it because it hurts so much. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I just want to discard this part of me and not have to deal with it. These times truely are testing my strength.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Introducing Miss Maggie!!!

This bow is as big as her!!



This is her face when she is wondering what noise you are making.



She is so adorable!!



Sleeping with her elephant...so sweet!!!

So as you can see we have gotten our new doggie. Her name is Maggie. I absolutely love her to death. She is full of energy and loves to play. She also loves to take her naps. I actually feel like I brought a newborn home, because I have had to watch her like a hawk. She is so little and delicate...she only weighs 1.6 lbs. We got her last Tuesday and I am just now getting some sleep. She has to go outside to potty ALL of the time. Right now she just gets me up at 6 a.m. to potty and then I make her go back to sleep. So I kinda feel like a new mama.

As far as the IF update...there is nothing really to update. I think I have a week before AF shows. Then we are going to start IUI #2. We think...we are still discussing whether or not to do it or wait til January. I have been enjoying my break so it will be hard to get back to daily shots and long drives to the RE. I am sorry for being gone so long...my internet has been out. I feel like I am so behind on everyone...so I am going to read and catch up!!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Take One Step At A Time!!!

"take one step at a time...no need to rush....it's like learning to fly or falling in love...it's gonna happen when it's suppose to happen baby...." I am in love with that song by Jord.an Sp.arks. It just says exactly what I need to hear. It makes me put things into perspective. I mean I was patient when I was looking for my Mr. Right. So I should be patient now, right? Okay so maybe I wasn't so patient when I was looking for Mr. Right. I am sure there is a trend here...I am still too stubborn to change. My aunt would always tell me something when I would say...I just can't wait til....she would say...YES YOU CAN!! She almost stopped me from saying that phrase. I said almost.

DH and I just went out for some treats from Mickey D's. It was nice to get out just for the heck of it. We sat in the car and ate our treats and chatted. We talked mostly about God. And how sometimes we go through hard times and the reason behind the hard times are to draw us closer to God. I think about how much I yearn for a child and I can't imagine how much God yearns for us to be closer to Him. At the beginning of this IF journey I was a wreck. I mean a WRECK!!! Now I have learned to go to God...ALL THE TIME. I am NOT perfect at it by any means, but I try to remind myself to find comfort in Him. Of course, there are times when I want to eat something yummy or go shopping...but I try nonetheless.

God has really been my only solice during this time. When I need uplifting He uplifts me...when I need to grow stronger...he helps me grow stronger. Knowing that HE has a plan for us...makes this struggle well worth it. It still sucks..though. I will never say that it doesn't. This is definitely not the journey I had chosen for myself. For some reason...beyond my knowledge..God has chosen this path for me. I pray soon that I will know why...and what it is that I am suppose to learn. I think part of it...is to trust in Him. So I am getting there...slowly.

Still have my heart aching....still thought tonight "what if this doesn't happen", still yearn to be a mom, still hoping that this is my month, still dreading IUI #2 and the possibility of IVF, still holding onto God for help!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Warning don't watch shows about pg....it bums ya out!!!

I have so much to be thankful for and I am really trying to just trust God and His plan for us. However, there are days when I need to let out my feelings and my fears. I am sure God wants me to do this so I can trust Him. I was just watching the show the doct.ors. Today it was about pregnancy. So of course, I thought I would get some much needed info. for when I do get pg. But at the beginning of the show...they discussed IVF. Very briefly and one of the dr.'s made some statements that made me super sad. He said that with our growing technology it is like we are playing God. Which I totally disagree with. They were specifically discussing multiple births that can stem from IVF. It just made me so sad, because I have seen them use more compassion talking about cigarette smoking than IVF. I mean come on...we can't help our situation. And if we chose to get medical help...well actually it chose us. Then so be it.

Then as I watched each woman in different trimesters...experiencing those usual pg symptoms. I obviously wondered if I will ever get there. The women talked about how they were just trying for a bit and then it happened. They were so carefree and didn't even know the miracle they had been given. I can't help but cry for myself and for every woman dealing with IF. I don't care if that makes me feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to do that every now and again. I think it is healthy as long as I don't let it overwhelm me. This is usually when I go through all those stages of sadness and anger...then pray for hope.

It is amazing how much you yearn for a child. It is a heartache that I couldn't even begin to explain. It is like one of my fellow sister blogger posted...saying that she felt like she was missing out on her God given right as a woman...to bear children. I feel the same way.

I will get to bring my little puppy home next Friday. I am hoping that will occupy my mind and my heart for a bit. I am secretly praying it will help me get pg. I know I am finally giving in to the whole relax thing. Well I am not selling out completely...I know I have PCOS and no amount of relaxing could make me ovulate without medicine, but I am going to give myself something else to focus on for a while. I truly wish I was preparing for a child instead of a dog. But I will take what I can get right now. So basically, I am bummed now. That stupid show. I knew I shouldn't have watched it. I know better.

Let me just get my fears out of my head for today and leave them here on my blog:

  • I am afraid of IVF....that is the BIG next step...what if it doesn't work
  • I am scared that nothing will work for us and that this is the life I have to live
  • I am afraid that IF will cost me so much in life besides money...like friendships and family relationships because I tend to isolate myself
  • I am afraid that I will fail God's test for me
  • Or that I already am failing God's test for me
  • I am afraid that all the IF meds I will take for IUI #2 and possibly IVF will cause physical harm to me...I don't know what but I still think it will somehow
  • I am afraid of never hearing the words mama

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fall already :D Yippee!!!

This week has been going great...so far...so good. I have been wrapped up in reading about Yorkies and figuring out what to buy...so I will be prepared when we get Maggie. It is so nice to think about something else besides IF. Of course I still think about it, but it is a nice break to focus on something else. Today I cleaned the downstairs....a lot...I mean mopping, dusting (and I have tons of junk to dust), etc. Now I have to go upstairs and work on cleaning the bedroom. Which for some reason..is my least favorite thing to do. I really don't mind getting the downstairs in order. I don't know...maybe because I don't spend much time up there.

Oh and I am so psyched. I know it is WAY too early for this...but I put out my fall wreath and my fall rug. I haven't went crazy with all the pumpkins and such, but I just had to put some of it out. I love fall...I love all things fall...fall colors...fall holidays...fall festivals...fall weather....fall decor...EVERYTHING!! I am just going to imagine it is already fall. When does fall officially start anyways?? Halloween is especially a fun time for me...it just reminds me of being a kid and being silly. I have been debating having a little Halloween party at my house this year. A great excuse to dress up and have some fun.

As far as my cycle...I am trying not to think about it. I am sure I will when I get closer to O or AF. So I am just enjoying the first two weeks...they are always better than the last two of the cycle. Well...here's an early Happy Fall Y'all!!! HEHE

Monday, September 8, 2008

God and My Dad!!!

Okay God I am hearing you LOUD and CLEAR. It is amazing to me that I have actually been spoken to by God. You always say things like how he spoke to your heart. But if you really think about how cool it is that God....I mean come on...God actually wants to speak to me. When I think about it...it blows my mind. I feel very blessed and loved. I have been praying for God to show me the life He has planned for me. And he is revealing it to me in pieces.

First of all, I decided to start sub. teaching at a local school. I have a degree....just haven't been using it. DH and I thought we would have a baby and I could stay at home...well two years later and no baby. And I am getting restless to say the least. I enjoy my time at home and am VERY grateful, but I know I need to do more right now. I went today to the school and applied...so hopefully they will be calling me soon. When I got home today I called my dad to chat. He sends out inspirational thoughts via e-mail each day and he told me he sent me the one for Tuesday already and wanted me to review it. It was about me. This is what the e-mail said:

I would like for you to read and give me the feedback on these thoughts! They are very special to someone very special to me. I love you, Dad

Welcome Tuesday!!!!
A great day in all of our lives, for God gave us another one!!!! Right??
"WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN "
I believe life starts at conception. Let's just see how life begins after the great event of coming into this world. With a blast , you are here, relief to your Mother, and a shock and scary time for you, until you are placed in the arms of your mother. You then are comforted by the arms and love that surround you, you are safe!!!! Well, from there you go to the accountability of your life, this is what God says. When you get there (you will know your age of accountability), you are then responsible for your life and your actions. You can pray and accept Jesus, and just as you felt the arms of comfort from your mother at birth, you will feel this warm wrap around you as you have never felt before. He will carry you through all good times, and hard times. You just have to call on Him. So your life has begun, and then we still sometimes, stop and say, when will my life begin? This statement is one of misdirection. Life has and is going at full speed. Your requests may have not been met, but that only means that you need to look at the fork in the road , and see what God has posted for you to follow. It will show two signs, ME, and GOD! Follow the sign that reads"GOD", and then your life will keep going, not beginning, but continuing,, in His name and not your wants.... What ever will come, will come,, trust me, even if it is not exactly what you had in mind, but you will feel the direction, just give in and accept it. Get out there in this world and participate with the world, and get away from the cocoon of home safety. Work for His cause and then you will see
THAT LIFE IS AT FULL SPEED,
IT HAS ALREADY BEGUN !!!!
DON'T WASTE,, WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN!!!

Lord, thank You for being the driver of my life, and may we all put our full trust in You , amen John HIcks Concerned !!!! Pray, Pray!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it cool how I had already went out to apply for a job and didn't even read this yet. It just confirms what I need to do...even if I am nervous about sub. teaching. It has been a while...so I just have to get back in the swing of things. If anyone out there wants to get my dad's inspirational thoughts each day...just send me your e-mail address and I will give it to him. He loves adding new people to the list.
I know that I still will have my moments where I feel like I am standing still and just waiting, but I am going to try to move forward and see what GOD has in store for me. I will always yearn to be a mom....so this will be a daily struggle. A struggle of either getting in my safe cocoon or getting out in the world and living. I pray God gives me the strength to do this....especially when I see other moms with their children. I pray that it won't make me so sad. Lord...thank you for helping me down this path. I am always in need of road signs and direction on where to go. Please help all of us who feel like we are just waiting for life to begin...help us to see the life around us and get back to living it. In Jesus Precious Name....Amen!!!
**********************************************************************************
I just couldn't wait to show you our newest edition to the family. IT IS A GIRL :D We just adopted a sweet little Yorkie. We will get her in two weeks and I can't wait. I have a new meaning to the TWW...hehe Here is a picture of our angel. Her name is Maggie. As soon as I get her I will put tons of more pics on here.
Photobucket

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Randomness

I have tried SO hard today to stay chipper. I think I did okay...I mean I am not sobbing in the floor...so I am good. DH had to work all day and for some reason I can't get motivated when I don't see him in the morning...I know I am smitten. But it is true (ah ha...almost said so true...but didn't). When he is around I am full of energy and ready to tackle anything. I was just in one of those frozen mood days where I couldn't seem to get anything done. My plan was to have a good old day of housecleaning. Then I would at least feel productive. Instead it was couch time and some weird sci fi movie. I always get hooked on those and then end up closing my eyes through all of the scary parts.

I talked myself into getting a shower and told myself TO GET UP AND GET BUSY!! After the shower I made the mistake of turning the t.v. back on and ended up being a total couch potato all day. I feel so gross now...not productive...just lazy. I know some ppl would give anything for peace and quiet and lazy time...but not me. I want more. DH got home and we went for a drive...so I could clear my head and my vision...from all the t.v. That does a whammy on your eyes. It was nice outside...a bit rainy, but cooler than usual. So we rolled the windows down and drove to "town". I hoped that would cure my yucky mood, but it didn't. I even tried to be silly and stuff...but nope I am right here hoping that typing these words will help me.

I am stuck waiting for my life to begin. I know I shouldn't waist my time, but I feel like I am just sitting here waiting. Tick Tock...when will it finally begin. I imagine by the time it does begin I will be so behind. I see other women...moms...with their daily schedules and no time even left to ponder what the heck to do. I feel lost in this world...I feel like I don't belong, because I am not a mom. It is kinda like this club...ya know. Even at the OBGYN office..if you are not pg...you are NOT important. That is why I am happy with my RE. When I got either a false positive or a chemical pg...a while back..I went into the OBGYN office and finally felt like I had joined the club. But it was short lived. I guess I was kicked out...due to the no bun in the oven and all.

Why do I feel like there is this us versus them thing going on. I hate that I feel that way. I guess it is just like that....grass is always greener..huh? I am sure there are moms out there that actually envy me. I am sure that there are a very few amount...maybe like one. I don't know...maybe they envy the amount of time I have to myself. Trust me....it is not all it is cracked up to be...everything is good in small doses!!!

Sorry this is super long, but I have a lot on my mind. DH and I were looking at getting a puppy. A Yorkie. But they are expensive and we already have a cat. A very bad cat. Well he just misbehaves and jumps on EVERY dang thing. I really wanted the dog so I could play mother. I know I am nutso. Soon I realized that is why I wanted it and kinda reconsidered. It isn't off the table....we are just taking more time to think about it. I know I am suppose to keep my peace about God's path, but I am still restless. I know that we are here for a reason....and I know there is a good reason for it. I am just impatient. Have always been...probably always will be. So here's to tomorrow being better....a lot less yucky...no tv's involved...and to this next week being a blast. I am thinking positive...that is a start :D

Thursday, September 4, 2008

God chose for us!!!

GOD is SOOO awesome!!! I have had another moment where God has helped me realize some of my path and helped give me some peace about all of this IF stuff. As you know, I have been really bummed that I wasn't pg after the IUI. Also, I have been physically feeling HORRIBLE. I am nauseous with a bad headache. And the perma-nausea is rough. Neways...I was at a point where I felt pretty low and I am still recovering right now. I was in my living room just sobbing and asking God not to leave me and to please help me. I wasn't sure what to pray for anymore or how to word what I needed. All I knew is that I needed God to wrap me up in His arms right then and there. I felt like I was at that breaking point...ya know the one where you are just so exhausted emotionally and physically you just don't have the strength to go on.

Well, right then...the phone rang. And my sweet neighbor was calling me. She asked what I was doing...and with a snotty nose and tears running down my face I plainly said crying. By the way, DH was at work all day. We set up dinner plans to get me out of the house and to be able to talk things out. Which made me thank God right after we hung up the phone. I know He wanted her to call me....you will see why soon. Keep reading...sorry I know it is super detailed.

We went to dinner and she gave me this newsletter by a very popular author...John Eldredge. Her hubby is a pastor and thought of me when he was reading it....because of my recent circumstances and troubles. He thought it would be something I would love to read and get inspired too. After I got back home I was able to read it carefully. And WOW...did it speak to me.
Read it for yourself and you will see that it really applies to IF!!! The link is: http://www.ransomedheart.com/goingdeeper/newsletters.aspx It is the newsletter for August 2008 titled Desire.

Basically it talks about disappointments and how we handle disappointments. Most of us give up our desires because of fear of disappointments. Then you end up just trying to get by and not really living the life God wants for you. I guess just on auto-pilot. Then others tend to (namely me) let our desires take over and we don't even stop to wonder if this is what God wants for us. If you are running after your desires and not God's desires then you are setting yourself up for heartache. So we shouldn't give up our desires or let them run us. There needs to be a balance...and in that balance is GOD.

I had begun to desire a baby so badly I was on auto-pilot. I just assumed that doing another IUI was what He had planned and I was following that plan. But in reality I was just following my own desires....blindly I might add. I knew in my heart that I needed to take a break from it all and take some time to get on God's path.

So I prayed the prayer at the end of the newsletter....this is what it said:

Lord Jesus, I don’t get it. I don ’t like the way this story is turning out. I ask you into my
disappointments, all of them. Come into this place in my heart. I know you are good. I know you love me. Show me what you have for me. Show me how much I have lived in resignation. Let me also not just chase my desires foolishly. God I pray for the knowledge of your will for me through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Show me the life you have for me. Shepherd me.

So I gave it up to God. This morning we had our baseline ultrasound and was beginning IUI #2. I already have my meds....they came yesterday. My RE found two cysts on one of my ovaries from the last IUI and meds. So he said we couldn't do an IUI this cycle...because it would just make my cysts grow. God chose for us today. He has told us to take this break and I pray that I will continue to see His desires and follow them. I don't know what is in our future of IF...I just know that God is in it...and that is all I need to know.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

AF is kickin my butt!!.....add on.....

WOW.....AF has really kicked my butt this time. I guess it comes with the territory...ya know...all those hormones. I wasn't expecting cramps this bad. And of course, when you don't feel emotionally all together...it makes you physically feel bad too. It has been a rough few days. I am still not 100%, but I am getting better each day. I just fell apart this time. I was feeling pretty hopeless. Right now I don't really feel anything...just a bit numb. DH and I discussed our plan last night....on what to do next...then next...then next. So far we agree that we will do IUI one more time...then IVF. I am not sure where we will go after that if nothing works. I don't even know if I will be able to make it through this second IUI. I am tired and worn out. I don't know where women get the strength to do this and work full time. I couldn't do it. I would be insane.

One thing that I hate about myself right now is my attitude about other pg women. Or just seeing other families. It just makes me have this rush of emotions....mostly pain in my heart. I know I am not supposed to focus on the things I don't have...but focus on what God has given me. I am so blessed to have a husband that truly is my best friend. We have a love that most people don't get to experience...so I should be happy to have that. But of course I want to be able to give DH a child. A child that is the product of our love. I want to see a little DH with those gorgeous brown eyes. I would so be wrapped. I just get goosebumps when I see DH with our nieces and nephews. He is so sweet with them. As you can tell..I must still be in the grieving process, over this IUI not working. It also makes you realize that THIS may not happen for us. And that is just too much for me to bare. I am a VERY emotional person anyway....then you add the hormones...and I am a big ole mess!!

DH still believes that this will happen for us. I wish I had that kind of hope right now. It is just hard to get my hopes up and then BAM they come crashing down. I want to be realistic, but I want to be able to hope too!!! Maybe we do need a break from this...or at least maybe I do. Then I can have some time to get better. The only thing is then I would totally feel like I should have done the IUI this cycle. So I am going to do it and see what happens. If it doesn't work, maybe then we will take a break and just enjoy the upcoming holidays.

My questions now are where do I go from here....how do I get my hope back??? If anyone knows...please fill me in on the secret.


********ADD ON*******

As I finished typing this post the doorbell rang. It was my meds for this cycle. My RE changed it up and I am taking Menopu.r this time. So I opened up the box of 20 viles of that stuff..some cetrati.de...and ovi.drel. Then there were 20 syringes and needles....alcohol swabs...and this time they sent me a container for my needles. I can't help but get sick to my stomach after that delivery. It is official IUI #2 is underway!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sad Day

I am ashamed to say this, but I was angry at God last night. All I can say is that I knew He could fix this and for some reason He wasn't. So I was in pain and it showed through anger...then lots of tears. DH just rubbed my head and let me cry it out. Throughout this entire journey I swore to myself that I wouldn't get angry with God. I guess nothing is off limits in this process. Each time that AF shows or I get a BFN I try to and have a chin up kinda attitude. But this time I didn't have the strength. Today so far has been pretty rough. I am on the sad train and don't see a stop ahead. I am learning that I cannot do this alone...that I need God to get me through this or I won't make it. I need His comfort and security.

AF showed last night.....so I called the nurse and now I am waiting to see what the next move is. I totally ate poptarts for breakfast and just feel like I am in a downward spiral. It is hard to say that....I am embarrassed to be so full of self-pity right now. I am only giving myself one day to grieve...then I want to move on and chin up.

Dear Lord, Please forgive me for my anger towards you. Please know it comes from my pain right now and I am so sorry. I trust your path, I am just having trouble adjusting to it. I need you so much right now. Please stay with me and help me find comfort and some peace about this not working. Help me to get up from this sadness and have the strength to move on. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you dearly. In Jesus name I pray...Amen

Monday, September 1, 2008

PLEASE EXCUSE MY VENTING

I know it is not over til AF shows...but I just have that feeling that it is over for this cycle. Of course, tonight as I start to wind down I start analyzing. I mean come on....there was an egg and sperm. The sperm even got a head start. What went wrong??

This is when you start to question the why's. Those tend to be: (but not limited to)
  • Does God not want me to be a momma
  • Could DH's sperm and my egg be "allergic" to each other...or not a good match
  • Did I stress too much
  • Did I not eat right (OF COURSE I DIDN'T)
  • Did I not pray enough
  • Did I not have enough faith

You just start to wonder what the heck is going on. And even though you have Tons of faith in God...you are having a freakout moment. I want to scream and shout and cry and just throw my hands in the air!!!!

I am sick of dreaming...I want it to be a reality. I am sick of seeing other families together and wishing that we could have that too. It just breaks my heart that I can't give DH a child. It is hard not to blame myself...because after all...it is my body that isn't working right. I know I shouldn't do that....and I am sure that it is all part of my moment of insanity.

I can just see our future children....all the memories...all those special moments. But I don't know if I will ever get to have those experiences. I am not guaranteed anything in life. So I am busting my butt to get it. This next cycle I will be taking more shots each day.....and I am going to have to crack down on my eating habits. Which is so much easier said then done.

Wait...I have to get some anger out first. (Remember anger comes from pain) So this is just me letting it out....so please no one get offended...okay. Here we go...........I am so sick of waking up everyday constantly yearning to be a mom.....I am sick of this constant aching in my heart....it is like I have lost a loved one...but I can't grieve properly for the loved one.....I am sick of seeing DH's face when we get a BFN....I am sick of being brave....I am sick of mothers complaining about their kids...when I would give anything to have something to complain about....I am sick of being positive all the time about IF....I am sick of seeing friends or family that are pregnant and having to put on a smile when all I want to do is cry....I am sick of worrying if this is the month...I am sick of hearing about birthing stories....about how quick or long it was...like I even remotely understand....I am SOOOOO sick of being told to freakin' relax.....I am sick of it all....everything that entails the woes of IF. I am sick of IF!!!!!!!! I guess that is how I would describe IF...it is a sickness....you feel it everyday and there is no medicine to make it better....only one cure...and that cure is really expensive or out of reach. excuse

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for the many blessings I have in my life. But right now I am going to let myself be sad and vent. So tonight....I am going to get out the tissues and cry like a baby....until I feel better.

Christmas didn't come early this year

I woke up at like 7:30 this morning and sat in anticipation of testing. Of course, DH was sound asleep while I had butterflies in my stomach. After a while of analyzing what could be....DH woke up...we prayed....and I tested. Now, testing is a pain because only seeing one line is a HORROR. So I did the whole thing and ran like heck because I didn't want to see the outcome. DH and I argued over who would go and look...we decided to go together. There it was only one line...A BFN!!!!!

I am sad, but not out yet, because AF hasn't shown. However, my pg tests have been accurate thus far...so I am sure I am not pg. I am going to have to get positive and wrap myself up in GOD. Or better yet, He can wrap Himself around me and that would be very comforting. I know there is a reason for this. DH was super sweet, he took me to Hard.ees for bkfast and then we checked our town's new Ing.les. I know it sounds boring, but it is the biggest one in the states. It was HUGE. Now we are going to plant some trees and enjoy the rest of our holiday. I am planning to hit the gym for the first two weeks before O. Here's to shots not hurting...bellies not bloating (from all the shots), no crazy mood swings, and a successful #2 IUI!!!!

God bless everyone caught in the hurricane's path. I pray that everyone is safe from harm and that there is very minimal damage done to L.A.