Sunday, August 3, 2008

the stages of only seeing ONE line

Still no AF....but I surely have lots of symptoms. I am moody, bloated, tired, crampy, headachy (that is a new word), and just plain BLAH!! I of course wish I was pg, ya know end up shocked that I was pg after all of my obvious symptoms. However, I know that this happening is a long shot. I feel like I am going through some of the grieving stages by Kubler-Ross. I kinda remember them from grad school....but not accurately.

So I will make up my own. I call these the stages of only seeing one line. At first when I got that ole BFN I was in disbelief. I mean I ovulated dang it....why didn't this work. So then I went into survive mode....I wrapped myself up in God. I ran to Him to put his warm arms around me and shield me from the storm in my heart. God has really comforted me and given me hope. Hope can be hard to come by in the infertility game and for the most part it is what keeps me going. I decided to Praise Him NO MATTER WHAT. And I plan to continue doing that. Well now I am in a wierd stage. Okay did I spell wierd right?? i before e....except after c....right??? Weird looks better. Okay I am off track. So my stage now is angry mixed with a bit of sadness. I know that anger comes from sadness and that is the way we express our sadness sometimes. But I am mad all the same. I am mad at I have no idea who or what. At first I thought I was mad at my body. But I don't think I am. Then I thought well I am mad at my dr. But nope, not him either. I think I am just generally MAD at the whole stinkin' situation.

I want to be a MOM....a MOM....a MOM!!!!! I just want to shout it so loudly and hope that will help me feel better. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Okay a little bit better. Well...I kinda know what stage is involves crying...a hot bath...and lots of chocolate. Then of course when AF shows I will go into Next cycle deer in headlights mode. The last stage that unfortunately could start me all over again. Whew that was a mouthful.

I am going to test again on Monday morning if AF doesn't show her ugly face and then go from there. I am glad I bought dollar store cheapos to test with. Then I don't feel guilty for spending so much dough. Monday is CD 30...should I call my RE then if it is negative and no AF...or wait til I start???


Heather said...

Also, the stage where AF shows up - also involves a good stiff drink.

I would call the RE if it doesn't show by then. They can tell you what the next step is.

Nichole said...

Man...I know those stages SO well! My thoughts and prayers are with you! I also wanted to say that I admire the fact that you can run to God for comfort after a BFN. When I get a BFN...I usually skip right to the sad/angry stage and usually end up taking it out on Him. I hate it when I do that! Your faith is very inspiring!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I totally spell weird wrong every time!! I think I just started spelling it right. :o)

I like the hot bath idea. I just want to take a long hot shower - but I've been avoiding those this month, just in case. Stiff drink sounds pretty good too - apple tini??

Lots of HUGS