Monday, August 11, 2008

Sad Day

What a whirlwind has happened in my mind lately. Last night DH and I discussed IF and IUI and GOD. me set the scene. DH gets off work and we go over what we are gonna eat for supper. Lately, well a lot lately, I have been not so hungry. I am sure that the Metformin has something to do with this. Most of the time I get nauseous just thinking about what to cook, and then when I do cook I can't really eat it because I get sick watching it cook. For example, I cooked spaghetti yesterday and after cooking the meat I was grossed out. So of course I tried to eat it and couldn't. Then you add in the prominent going to the potty for #2 A LOT!!! So I am not hungry....and going to the bathroom all of the time. Those two don't add up well. Sorry I digress. So DH and I were chatting about supper and the only thing that sounded good to me was Cherr.ios, with splenda of course. It took us forever to discuss this. For some reason it always does. We are not really good at making decisions.

So it ends up getting close to the time of getting my shot. Which as soon as 7 p.m. rolls around my hands start sweating. I know I am such a baby, but I hate the idea of getting a shot. So I get the medicine out to let it get to room temperature....then it is time for the injection. Well, I realized that now I can add moodiness to my symptoms. Because I really wanted to just bawl right before the shot. I wanted to cry so much, but I held it back because I felt kinda silly. Luckily my friend came over to let me squeeze her hand while DH gave me the shot. All was over and I was glad.

Then later on that night...almost right before we headed to bed. DH asks me if I think that IUI is what God wants us to do. I was a bit distraught by this. We are on the 4th shot and I thought all along we were good. I guess of course I had thought the same thing, but really just knew that this was part of God's plan. DH asked me if I thought we had prayed enough. So we talked some more and I wanted to know completely what he was thinking and feeling..because I want us to do this together. We decided to pray on it and ask for God to give us reassurance of his plan. I think some of what made DH start worrying had to do with our earlier discussion of how IUI could produce multiples. I mean I don't know the percentages but I know it is a possibility. I assured him that my RE would make sure that he does his job and doesn't let us end up with like 10 babies or something. But I really think that might of made him start thinking. Now I know that I need to really talk more with DH because I want us to be on the same page.

Neways~ This morning as I am about to leave...I notice my little journal thing for my shots on our table and then see my pen with the medicine in it left out in a bag on the table. I freaked is suppose to be in the refrigerator. So I called DH and he is checking on if the medicine is still good or not for me. So was that the sign we wanted from God or just us being absent minded?? I honestly feel like God has sent us down the IUI path. I pray about IF and God's guidance all the time and I make sure to let God know that I trust his plan for us.

As I write this I want to cry, not because I am sad, but because of this medicine. I want to scream out and cry like a child and exclaim that I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!! NO MORE IF!!!! Just like a child refused broccoli, I want to refuse IF. But I know that I have to get it together and be strong. This is just my moment to let go. I feel horrible for wanting to act like a child to GOD and kick and scream about my burden. I mean come on, He sent His One and Only Son to die on the cross for us and I am going to fuss about this. But the sad reality is I am, well right now. I am sure that GOD will change my mood and mind as the day progresses. He always makes everything better.

Lord, give me the strength to stop crying and get up and fight. Give DH and I clarity on your path for us and please bless all of my fellow infertility sisters. Give us all a bit a peace. Thank you so much...AMEN!!


Jill said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't really have anything more to say, but I will keep you in my prayers. ((hugs))

Heather said...

I have two comments:

1- if you end up with lots of eggs then your RE shouldn't let you go through with IUI. If you have two eggs and everyone is comfortable with the possibility of twins - fine. But if you have 5 or 6 eggs, that is a bigger risk than most doctors should let you take. Most doctors will cancel the cycle at that point or possibly even convert you to IVF, whatever you want to do.

2- our IUI we had one egg and ended up getting pregnant with twins. The egg split after fertilizing, no way to know that would happen. That is just something in our DNA. We lost one twin early on - but I'm just saying that you can't assume to control anything on this journey.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I hear you, sister. I want to refuse the IF too!! Why did this happen? What is going on? These are all questions that circle in my head - constantly. But I know our God is faithful and he loves us. And He will carry us through. We cannot try to do it on our own strength, because we'll fail. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think you can only invite God more and more into the process and lean on his unfailing love. There is not too much else we can do but trust, pray and wait, right?

Nichole said...

Sweetie I am so sorry! The hardest thing throughout this whole ordeal is trying to figure out what God wanted us to do. I am praying for you!

Leslie Laine said...

So sorry to hear that things have been a little rough lately. I try to look for signs all the time that we are on the path that God wants for us to be on with this whole IF thing. I think all you can do is pray and talk and talk and talk about it until your heart finds some resolution in your decisions. You've come this far this cycle...that's something to consider. Thinking of you.