Monday, August 4, 2008

AF shows....on to IUI

The old hag reared her UGLY face today. Of course after two BFN pg tests she showed. She is so rude that way. SO I have called my RE and hopefully they will call me back and set up an appt. and start this whole IUI w/ injectibles thing. This will be my first time trying IUI and I may just be stupid but I kinda thought injectibles were involved without having to say so. I mean I get the process, but not the details. Part of me knew that I would get to this point. Part of me thinks or just knows that there may be other points I may have to get to. I am terrified of graduating to each step and then getting to a point where nothing works. What if IUI doesn't work for us???

That is what scares is when what I thought was going to be the thing above all things that gives us a miracle....and that wonderful thing fails us. We can get a man on the moon...make women men...and men women...and let women who became men get pregnant. We should be able to fix all infertility. I know, God may have other adoption. And I have really considered that too. Especially since I know that none of these procedures guarantees us a child. Maybe God wants us to adopt and help out another child, another miracle.

I am getting ahead of myself. I need to just take this one day at a time and one treatment at a time and not jump to what if's. Right now the unknown scares me. I need to trust God with the unknown and have faith that He is looking out for my best interest. I was just thinking today that maybe the egg I finally released, well maybe it wasn't the best egg. So that is why it didn't work this month. I could go nuts with the why's.

As a little girl, you never think that your dream of being a mom would never come true. It never crossed my little mind. Going to the next step of IUI has made this even more real than it ever was. And I think it was pretty real before. What is more real now is that this may not happen.

Lord, help me to find hope in this sea of disappointments. Give me the strenght to carry this cross and praise you for it. I give all of this to You. In Your Holy Name I pray...AMEN


Heather said...

My first two IUIs were with oral meds only. My third and fourth were with oral meds and injectibles. My fifth IUI was just injectibles and that is when I got pregnant. The oral meds were probably thinning my lining.

Just Me. said...

Hi there. I am here from I Believe In Miracles blog.

I am so sorry. I am hoping for hope for you.

Leslie Laine said...

I know exactly what you mean about "crossing the line" into IUI and what feels like real infertility treatment. IUI works for a lot of people! The process wasn't nearly as complicated as I thought it would be when we began, and it gave me the boost of confidence I needed to move on to other things. Try to focus on where you are - if things reach another level, you'll be ready. I never believed that until now, but it's true. I'm thinking of you!

SAHW said...

I'm so sorry about your BFN and AF coming...(((hugs))).

I know what you mean about the fear of graduating from step to step...I'm too scared of the prospect to let myself think about it, but I too wonder what if?

Like you said, I think you have to hold on and take it one step at a time, don't let yourself think too far ahead and do not think about the what ifs.

Everything you wrote resonates so much with me - you never, ever think that you won't be a Mom, or that you'll have trouble conceiving. But here we are. Each failed cycle makes me more nervous about why this isn't working yet...
But ultimately, it's all in God's Hands, and I pray that it is part of His Plan for all of us who want children to be able to have them.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I know about that scary line about crossing into the IUI world. D***t, I wanted to BD in my own house and get pregnant, not be knocked up by a dr!! But alas... twas not meant to be. Yup - I hear you!!

Both my IUIs have been with oral meds (clomid). I think I have 3, and then I move onto "fertility treatments". I'm not sure what that will entail. If the first 3 IUIs don't work, I have an apt and then go to a plan B for 3 months. I'm assuming this will include injectables, u/s monitoring, etc. Plan C is IVF.

What I love seeing in this post is your faith in God. God is the sustainer of all. He provides. He knows and loves all. But he isn't good about letting us into his secret plan. I pray that he continues to give you strength (like that that has shown through your last 3 posts) and that you can shine his love to those around you.